Welcome to the APBWeb.
Results 1 to 12 of 12
  1. #1
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
    Supporting Member Lvl 3
    Join Date
    12-05-05
    Location
    Handbasket, enroute to somewhere hot.
    Posts
    11,108
    Rep Power
    7439166

    An open letter to the lady who walked into the men's room.

    Please donít feel bad. It wasnít you entering the menís washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. Itís rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so Iíll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that menís penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. Iím telling Ďya those little buggers canít be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. Iím no longer allowed to pee like a man ó standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
    Now another thing us guys donít usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think Iím a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because itís a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. Itís the dreaded ďmorning wood.Ē Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you canít get that thing to bend, and if it donít bend you canít aim, well hell, if you canít aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the frigginí toilet seat wonít stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim. Now sometimes, when youíre newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning, that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, itís just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told herÖ look, it wonít bend. She said, ďSit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.Ē OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with ďmorning wood.Ē Well, itís is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but itís the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
    So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. Itís not our fault, itís just Mother Nature. Now, see, if it was Father Nature, there wouldnít have been a problem!!!
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  2. #2
    armsmaster270's Avatar
    armsmaster270 is offline Ret. Sac. P.D. - 270th M.P. Co., Now with D.H.S.
    Verified LEO
    Join Date
    08-11-07
    Location
    Sacramento, CA
    Posts
    2,441
    Rep Power
    369109
    priceless but true.


    Pretty women make us BUY beer. Ugly women make us DRINK beer. --Al Bundy

    http://www.armsmaster.net-a.googlepages.com

  3. #3
    213th's Avatar
    213th is offline Solipsist
    Join Date
    12-19-05
    Location
    64.3į N 149.1į W
    Posts
    3,672
    Rep Power
    1712096
    I think it's funny how women always complain about the toilet being left open yet, without fail, never close it when they are done
    He who has the money, signs the cheques.
    He who signs the cheques, makes the rules.
    He who makes the rules, has the power.
    He who has the power, has the money.

  4. #4
    gwebb1981 is offline Officer First Class
    Join Date
    10-29-07
    Posts
    79
    Rep Power
    360
    Quote Originally Posted by 213th View Post
    I think it's funny how women always complain about the toilet being left open yet, without fail, never close it when they are done
    Agreed.

  5. #5
    mack's Avatar
    mack is offline Officer Resource Offical Auctioneer
    Premium Lifetime Member
    Join Date
    05-25-07
    Location
    SE Indiana, I love this weather!
    Posts
    3,388
    Rep Power
    555156
    Ducky, that is just funny!!!

    My dad, I miss him every day.

    Originally Posted by Wolven
    Life is too short to wear unsexy underwear.


    I am a female!!!!! LMAO

    Be who you are and say what you feel.....
    Because those that matter...don't mind...
    And those that mind...don't matter

  6. #6
    bufford408's Avatar
    bufford408 is offline Just green and furry all over
    Join Date
    06-13-06
    Location
    R kin saw
    Posts
    948
    Rep Power
    268875
    Quote Originally Posted by phoenix View Post
    If you are male,and do not wake up with a raging boner,I would worry,just a tad.I am female and when you gotta go,YOU GOTTA GO..I will travel ALL the way back home,if I have to go.Not go but GO.Hell,Ive driven 2 countys back,to get home to mine...Ill piss anywhere I have too,but dang?The last time I went to 'p' was at a gas station,I dont like going in there,duh,yuk?So I decide to go behind the damn store..OOPS!!I had not gotten around the edge of the building,and I see a small sedan,2 door car parked,silent'but with voices..Too late to turn back now.If you have had to piss THAT bad,you know where I was.,So this vehicle is occupied bt 2 males,Blunt smoking in progress,and He aka driver looks at me and says,Hey BITCH you want some uh dis?And precedes to place his big ass hand on a big ass gun at me...I said hey I just gotta piss dude.....He said well,ovah deh r is da tree.EEkkk.I backed the fk up out,waiting for a bullet to slam in my chest.Damn sam...........


    The opinions of my posts are the sole responsibilty of my employer due to the fact that they have totally and completely warped my mind.



    .

  7. #7
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
    Supporting Member Lvl 3
    Join Date
    12-05-05
    Location
    Handbasket, enroute to somewhere hot.
    Posts
    11,108
    Rep Power
    7439166
    Quote Originally Posted by bufford408 View Post
    My thoughts exactly. Huh?
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  8. #8
    phoenix Guest
    SORRY,I was talking out of my arse?

  9. #9
    bufford408's Avatar
    bufford408 is offline Just green and furry all over
    Join Date
    06-13-06
    Location
    R kin saw
    Posts
    948
    Rep Power
    268875
    Quote Originally Posted by phoenix View Post
    SORRY,I was talking out of my arse?

    The opinions of my posts are the sole responsibilty of my employer due to the fact that they have totally and completely warped my mind.



    .

  10. #10
    phoenix Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Ducky View Post
    Please donít feel bad. It wasnít you entering the menís washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. Itís rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so Iíll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that menís penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. Iím telling Ďya those little buggers canít be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. Iím no longer allowed to pee like a man ó standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
    Now another thing us guys donít usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think Iím a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because itís a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. Itís the dreaded ďmorning wood.Ē Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you canít get that thing to bend, and if it donít bend you canít aim, well hell, if you canít aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the frigginí toilet seat wonít stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim. Now sometimes, when youíre newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning, that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, itís just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told herÖ look, it wonít bend. She said, ďSit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.Ē OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with ďmorning wood.Ē Well, itís is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but itís the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
    So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. Itís not our fault, itís just Mother Nature. Now, see, if it was Father Nature, there wouldnít have been a problem!!!
    Guess I was venting in the wrong area.Forgive me?

  11. #11
    Resident Smart Ass's Avatar
    Resident Smart Ass is offline I ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE
    Verified LEO
    Join Date
    06-05-06
    Location
    Once a New Yawker, Always a New Yawker
    Posts
    5,456
    Rep Power
    1532848
    Quote Originally Posted by phoenix View Post
    Guess I was venting in the wrong area.Forgive me?

    Not for nothing, how about a little intro about yourself before venting..maybe people would be more understanding. Thanks



    Funny Stuff Ducky!
    Don't you just hate it when someone's balls are hidden so well, they can't seem to find it themselves ~ RSA

    You can't avoid gossip & rude words from
    people. You can't please everybody. But remember, they wouldn't bother if you meant nothing.


    FOLLOW RSA ON TWITTER (IF YOU'RE GOING TO FOLLOW ME, PLEASE SEND ME A MESSAGE ON HERE WITH YOUR O/R USERNAME AND TWEET USERNAME SO I'LL KNOW WHO I'M ACCEPTING OTHERWISE YOU WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED!)
    https://twitter.com/RESIDENTSMARTAS



    A PINT OF SWEAT SAVES A GALLON OF BLOOD ~ PATTON



  12. #12
    Buttercup's Avatar
    Buttercup is offline Thrives in sunshine
    Supporting Member Lvl 1
    Join Date
    04-29-06
    Location
    NJ
    Posts
    18,093
    Rep Power
    4329092
    Quote Originally Posted by phoenix View Post
    If you are male,and do not wake up with a raging boner,I would worry,just a tad.I am female and when you gotta go,YOU GOTTA GO..I will travel ALL the way back home,if I have to go.Not go but GO.Hell,Ive driven 2 countys back,to get home to mine...Ill piss anywhere I have too,but dang?The last time I went to 'p' was at a gas station,I dont like going in there,duh,yuk?So I decide to go behind the damn store..OOPS!!I had not gotten around the edge of the building,and I see a small sedan,2 door car parked,silent'but with voices..Too late to turn back now.If you have had to piss THAT bad,you know where I was.,So this vehicle is occupied bt 2 males,Blunt smoking in progress,and He aka driver looks at me and says,Hey BITCH you want some uh dis?And precedes to place his big ass hand on a big ass gun at me...I said hey I just gotta piss dude.....He said well,ovah deh r is da tree.EEkkk.I backed the fk up out,waiting for a bullet to slam in my chest.Damn sam...........




    Ducky, that was hilarious.




 

 

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •