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  1. #1
    Ender's Avatar
    Ender is offline Three Sheets...
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    8 pound man removed from woman's vagina.

    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29871

    ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a bizarre case that has baffled medical professionals across the country, surgeons at Albuquerque's Veteran's Memorial Hospital removed a living eight-pound man from the confines of an area woman's vagina Monday.

    The unusually small man, who has refused to identify himself or give a reason for his presence in the vagina, was extremely disoriented throughout the incident, and, according to eyewitnesses, was "nude and covered in blood and gore." Though the man strenuously resisted rescue attempts, screaming and kicking wildly at medical personnel, he has not yet been charged with any crime.

    The woman, Ruth Hessman, a 33-year-old systems analyst from nearby Plovis, was admitted to Veteran's Memorial Hospital late Sunday night complaining of strange, repeated abdominal pains and contractions occurring at regular intervals. When the painful episodes were five minutes apart, her husband drove her to the hospital.

    "We get all kinds of strange things here in the emergency unit," said Dr. Carlos Mendoza, a surgeon at Veteran's General, "but this was something new. At first glance, Mrs. Hessman appeared to be obese, but upon closer examination, it became apparent that she was actually suffering from severe abdominal distension. After she described her painful symptoms, we conducted an examination of her vagina. Imagine our shock and surprise when we discovered that there, looking back at us, was a tiny human head."

    After overcoming their initial shock, doctors discovered that the grotesque miniature head belonged to a small man. The attending physicians performed emergency surgery to forcibly remove him, and notified local police.

    "At this time, we have no idea how this man came to be situated within the woman's vagina, or what motivation he might have had for being there," said Albuquerque police chief Burke Manning. "His dazed state, public defecating and lack of clothing suggest that he is a mentally ill homeless man who was seeking shelter. Yet it's hard to believe that someone so feeble and mentally disturbed would be capable of such an intrusion. We have not ruled out the possibility that he had help."

    Manning is advising Albuquerque residents to stay calm. "This is likely an isolated event," he said. "But we are nevertheless considering conducting a search of all area vaginas to see if any more small, naked men are on the prowl."

    The eight-pound man has thus far refused to cooperate with police, responding to all questions with strange gurgling noises. He is also prone to sudden, violent mood swings, resting peacefully one moment and wailing uncontrollably the next. Adding to the difficulty of establishing the man's identity is his almost complete lack of fingerprints and teeth, making a match with federal records impossible.

    "This man seems to have undergone some sort of massive trauma within the last 24 hours which has, in effect, wiped his memory clean and turned his mind into a blank slate," Mendoza said. "To be honest, this case couldn't be any weirder if a stork had dropped him out of the sky."
    --

    Ender

    "And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes, I'll see you on the dark side of the moon..."

  2. #2
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
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    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  3. #3
    Car 4's Avatar
    Car 4 is offline CID Chief
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    Ender....you are a strange and evil man!


    Car 4
    I would like my country back. I used to believe that one man could never destroy this country. Not so sure anymore!

  4. #4
    Buttercup's Avatar
    Buttercup is offline Thrives in sunshine
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    Haha! I love The Onion.




  5. #5
    Probation13-901's Avatar
    Probation13-901 is offline Master Officer
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    LOL....................

  6. #6
    Big Al's Avatar
    Big Al is offline There is no place like home....
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    To be a good Law Enforcement Officer you MUST know the law!

  7. #7
    MacLean's Avatar
    MacLean is offline O/R Gun mod
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    Quote Originally Posted by Big Al View Post

    Uh, ok if you insist...

    I'm your huckleberry...

    Quemadmoeum gladis nemeinum occidit, occidentus telum est!

    You can be the weapon, and the gun in your hand is a tool - or the gun is a weapon and you are the tool.


    I was looking for a saint who was a devil of a lover,
    but every girl I found was either one way or the other...



  8. #8
    mack's Avatar
    mack is offline Officer Resource Offical Auctioneer
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    Ender you never cease to amaze me with the things you come up with!

    My dad, I miss him every day.

    Originally Posted by Wolven
    Life is too short to wear unsexy underwear.


    I am a female!!!!! LMAO

    Be who you are and say what you feel.....
    Because those that matter...don't mind...
    And those that mind...don't matter

  9. #9
    Ender's Avatar
    Ender is offline Three Sheets...
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    Quote Originally Posted by mack View Post
    Ender you never cease to amaze me with the things you come up with!
    i wish i was that creative.

    thats my favorite article of all time from theonion. it also never ceases to amaze me that some people actually take their stuff seriously
    --

    Ender

    "And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes, I'll see you on the dark side of the moon..."

  10. #10
    Shoestring's Avatar
    Shoestring is offline Please dont check the trunk...
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    ENDER ENDER ENDER....... nothing more to say here!

  11. #11
    10-42Adam's Avatar
    10-42Adam is offline Major
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    Hahaha that's good!
    Calm Like A Bomb...

    A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. An optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.
    -Winston Churchill

 

 

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