I pulled an older woman at the club last night.

She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

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A store that sells new husbands has just opened inNew York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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A college professor was doing a study, testing the senses of 1st-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers.
He gave all of the children Lifesavers and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

"red .......... cherry."
"yellow ...... lemon."
"green .......... lime."
"orange .... orange."

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers.
After eating them for a few moments, none of the kids could identify the taste.

"Well", he said. "I'll give you all a clue ... it's what your Mother may sometimes call your Father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out ... they're assholes!"

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks
the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack,
or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy
quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still
no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to
the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist."

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Two Buddies were drinking in a bar one night and had became extremely drunk. One guy was so drunk that he had got sick all over his shirt. He looks at his buddy and says "My wife is gonna kill me when I get home,this is a brand new shirt! His buddy looks at him and says "donít worry,just put $20 in your front pocket and tell her that some guy got sick on you and gave you $20 for the cleaning bill.

When he arrives home and opens the front door his wife is standing there waiting on him. "just look at you, you drunk bastard! You even got sick all over yourself". The man replies "No baby, it isnt like that. Some guy got sick on me and look here he gave me $20 for the cleaning bill. She pulls the money out of his pocket and counts it and says "Wait one minute thereís $40 here! The guy looks at her and says " Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too!