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  1. #1
    Resident Smart Ass's Avatar
    Resident Smart Ass is offline I ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE
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    Which one's your favorite? *Contains sexual content*

    Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
    A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

    Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
    A. A navel.

    Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
    A. You can bang your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

    Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
    A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

    Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
    A. A Klondike Bar

    Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
    A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

    Q. Why don't women wear watches?
    A. There's a clock on the stove!

    Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
    A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

    Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
    A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

    Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
    A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

    Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
    A. They both like a tight seal.

    Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
    A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

    Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?

    Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
    A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

    Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
    A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

    Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
    A. Love doesn't last forever.

    Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
    A. Call her and tell her.

    Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
    A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

    Q. Why do women have small feet?
    A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    Q. Why do men die before their wives?
    A. They want to.

    Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
    A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

    Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
    A. ET phoned home.

    Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
    A. It doesn't need cleaning.

    Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
    A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

    Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
    A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

    Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
    A. Brothel sprouts.

    Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
    A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

    Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
    A. Clitty litter

    Q. I married Miss Right.
    A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

    Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
    A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

    Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
    A. He's smoking a cigarette.

    Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
    A. He worked it out with a pencil.

    Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
    A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

    Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
    A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

    Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
    A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

    Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
    A. "Is it in?"

    Q. What is the cheapest meat?
    A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

    Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
    A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

    Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
    A. The captains log.

    Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
    A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

    Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
    A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

    Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
    A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

    Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
    A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
    Don't you just hate it when someone's balls are hidden so well, they can't seem to find it themselves ~ RSA

    You can't avoid gossip & rude words from
    people. You can't please everybody. But remember, they wouldn't bother if you meant nothing.



  2. #2
    Wolven's Avatar
    Wolven is offline Major
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    Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
    A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

    That is funny.
    Never be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way" ~Martin Luther King, Jr

  3. #3
    Terminator's Avatar
    Terminator is offline BANNED
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    You Know You're Asian If...

    At expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and never order dessert!

    At least once, you've started a joke with, "Confucius say..."

    At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses.

    Everyone thinks you're Chinese no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from.

    Everyone thinks you're good at math.

    Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever so popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc...

    People see just a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate.

    Piles of shoes make it hard to open the front, back, and closet doors.

    The Biology lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was last night's dinner.

    The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture.

    The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses.

    When going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift.

    You ask you parents for help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing.

    You buy soy sauce by the gallon.

    You drive mostly Japanese cars.

    You either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it.

    You get nothing if you do well in school, but get crapped on if you don't.

    You have 12+ aunts and uncles.

    You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.

    You have NO eyelashes.

    You have rocks, sticks, leaves, and strange smelling unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine.

    You have to call just about all of your parents' friends "Auntie" or "Uncle."

    You hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you. (e.g., Jean- ee- yah! or Mary- yah!)

    You know what bok choy is.

    You learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents.

    You like $1.75 movies.

    You like $1.50 movies even more.

    You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food.

    You own a rice cooker... or two.

    Your ancestors, 1000 years back, invented the back scratcher.

    Your dad is some kind of engineer.

    Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top.

    Your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e. Michael Chang).

    Your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both.

    Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.

    Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.

    Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can grow into it and wear it for years to come.

    Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more."

    Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.

    Your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian.

    Your parents have either made you play the violin, the piano, or both.

    Your parents have never kissed each other.

    Your parents have never kissed you.

    Your parents insist you marry within your race.

    Your parents say, "Calculus?! I took calculus in 8th grade!!"

    Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."

    Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.

    Your parents simply cut off the green/black part off the bread and say, "Eat it anyway. It's still good."

    Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15.

    Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going.

    Your parents' vocabulary is filled with "ai-yahs" and "wahs."

    Your relatives' house smells like mothballs, incense or both.

    You shop 99 Ranch, Market World, or Yaohan.

    You've ever gotten little red envelopes around February.

    You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.

    You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.

    You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest or library.

    You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.

    "You want a stereo?!? When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!"

    You will most likely be taller than your parents.

    Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks, and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange, and the ever popular, lime green.

  4. #4
    Wolven's Avatar
    Wolven is offline Major
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    You know what bok choy is.

    Hey...I know what Bok Choy is....
    Never be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way" ~Martin Luther King, Jr

  5. #5
    jmur5074's Avatar
    jmur5074 is offline Moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by Resident Smart Ass View Post
    Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
    A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

    I don't get it???
    No one has greater love than this, to lay down ones life for ones friends - John 15:13

    "The Wicked Flee When No Man Pursueth: But The Righteous Are Bold As A Lion".

    We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
    The opinions, beliefs, and ideas expressed in this post are mine, and mine alone. They are NOT the opinions, beliefs, ideas, or policies of my Agency, Police Chief, City Council, or any member of my department.

  6. #6
    Buttercup's Avatar
    Buttercup is offline Thrives in sunshine
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    Quote Originally Posted by Terminator View Post

    You've ever gotten little red envelopes around February.
    Hey! I get a little red envelope around February! With money in it.

    Ok, those were very wrong but very funny.



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