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  1. #1
    slamdunc's Avatar
    slamdunc is offline On The Beat
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    John Kerry Resume

    NAME: John Kerry, President of the Heinz Corporation.

    RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including one in Washington DC, worth multi-millions. I served in Vietnam (four months).

    EXPERIENCE:
    Law Enforcement. In my career as a U.S. Senator, I've voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA, and Defense bill. I ordered the city of Boston to emove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. I served in Vietnam (four months).

    MILITARY:
    I served in Vietnam (four months). I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I served in Vietnam (four months). I then returned to the U.S., joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I served in Vietnam (four months). I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book " Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier", shows how I truly feel about the military. I served in Vietnam (four months).

    COLLEGE:
    I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A

    PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
    After College and Vietnam, I ran for the U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except marrying very rich women and running their companies vicariously through them. I served in Vietnam (four months).

    ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
    As a U.S. Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against their budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. I served in Vietnam (four months).

    My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make little or no charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $ 700 million. I served in Vietnam (four months).

    I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the other jobs out of Country. I served in Vietnam (four months).

    Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts. I served in Vietnam (four months).

    RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
    None. However, I served in Vietnam (four months).

    PERSONAL I practice my Catholic faith whenever cameras are present. I ride a Serotta Bike. I love to ski/snowboard. I call my Gulfstream V Jet the "Flying Squirrel". I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche".
    I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.
    I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large, polluting, inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for our energy problems. I served in Vietnam (four months).
    'The Art of War' teaches us to "Rely not on the likelihood of the enemy's coming, but on our own readiness to receive him"--Sun Tsu

  2. #2
    MisterK's Avatar
    MisterK is offline Monkey Man
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    I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.
    What this now?
    Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft. -
    Theodore Roosevelt

    ____________________

    People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

  3. #3
    mxwelch's Avatar
    mxwelch is offline Kalashnikitty
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    Why is this in "jokes"? It's completely true.

  4. #4
    Lazy Fed's Avatar
    Lazy Fed is offline Curmudgeon
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    Quote Originally Posted by mxwelch
    Why is this in "jokes"? It's completely true.
    +1 I am soooooooooo tempted to move this to general topics.
    dulce et decorum est pro patria mori


    Quote Originally Posted by Resident Smart Ass
    Life is to short not to experience Lazy Fed
    ___ ___ ___
    {o,o} {-.-} {0,0}
    |)__) |)_(| (__(|
    -"-"- -"-"- -"-"-
    O RLY?? YA RLY NO WAI!!!!

    The incoherent statements given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency or any other person for that matter. They are MY PERSONAL DELUSIONAL FANTASIES and I accept sole responsibility as such as I am either drunk or stressed out of my mind.

 

 

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