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  1. #1
    mavriktu's Avatar
    mavriktu is offline Patrol Sgt.
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    Deserves a repost

    I posted this a year or so ago,and still find it hilarious,since we have a lotta new members ,thought I would resurect it.


    Pocket Taser Stun Gun--- a great gift for the wife.




    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 5th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Dapples . What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

    The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
    affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.



    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

    Nothing!
    I was disappointed.


    I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the
    blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dapples what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.



    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Baby cat looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.



    I must admit I thought about zapping Baby cat (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.


    But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.



    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.



    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
    and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, (Baby cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it dipshit,") reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.


    I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .

    WHAT THE HELL!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

    A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!


    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I
    shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

    P. S.
    Dapples loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    ]

  2. #2
    CTR man's Avatar
    CTR man is offline Officer First Class
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    lol, Want to go for a ride?


    Choose The Right. When you're doing whats right, then you have nothing to worry about.

    Not a LEO

    In memory of Sgt. Howard K. Stevenson 1965 - 2005. Ceres Police Dept.
    In memory of Robert N. Panos 1955 - 2008 Ceres Police Dept.









  3. #3
    Just KC's Avatar
    Just KC is offline Who?......Me?
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    OMG did you seriously do this????????? ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!
    **********************
    ~Karie

    "I used to care
    but now I take a pill for that"

  4. #4
    BigDawg's Avatar
    BigDawg is offline K-9 Officer
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    I can just picture some redneck doing this too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    "An Unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it." Jeff Cooper


    Some people are meant to be the police......Some people are meant to call the police!!!

    "Socialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it."
    -Ronald Reagan


    " I believe that forgiving them (Terrorist) is God's function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
    General Norman Schwartzkopf

    Not all Muslims are Terrorists, but all Terrorists are Muslim.
    (author unknown)


    The statements posted by BigDawg DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, or procedures of the author's employing agency. These statements are the personal opinions of BigDawg only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the user name of BigDawg. The opinions expressed by BigDawg are protected by the 1st Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. BigDawg’s messages are intended to invoke thought and discussion among the "Officer Resources" forum community and may not necessarily reflect the opinion of the author. BigDawg’s posts and any attachments are intended for an adult audience (18+) and may contain strong language, sexual content, nudity, violence, and may be graphic in nature. Some material may be considered offensive; reader discretion is advised. Please note that many of BigDawg’s posts are intended for entertainment value only. BigDawg’s posts are not intended to be used where prohibited by law. Furthermore, BigDawg's posts, and any attachments, may contain information covered by the Electronic Communications Privacy Act, 18 U.S.C. 2510-2521, and is confidential and proprietary in nature. If you are not the intended recipient, please be advised that you are legally prohibited from retaining, using, copying, distributing, or otherwise disclosing this information in any manner.

  5. #5
    Cidp24's Avatar
    Cidp24 is offline Tempus Fugit
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    Glad you reposted - I was looking for this a couple of months ago.
    *************************
    "It wouldn't take much for me to up and run...
    to another life somewhere in the sun."
    *************************
    "There's something inherently wrong with having to put on a bullet-proof vest and a gun to go to work."-(An old friend)


    Any statements or opinions given in my postings or profile do not reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employer or anyone else other than me. They are my personal opinions or statements only, thereby releasing my employer , any other entity, or any other person of any liability or involvement in anything posted under the username "Cidp24" on O/R.

  6. #6
    mack's Avatar
    mack is offline Officer Resource Offical Auctioneer
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    It's still funny, I can picture someone actually doing this. Thanks for the repost

    My dad, I miss him every day.

    Originally Posted by Wolven
    Life is too short to wear unsexy underwear.


    I am a female!!!!! LMAO

    Be who you are and say what you feel.....
    Because those that matter...don't mind...
    And those that mind...don't matter

  7. #7
    k-9max's Avatar
    k-9max is offline K9 Officer
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    So how did the cat get down from the Picture frame?
    YEAH, IM THE BERRIES, AND CHERRIES IN YOUR REAR VIEW MIRROR.

    Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
    Eat it, Play with it, or piss on it, and walk away!

    As smart as man is, we haven't been able to invent a machine that can smell drugs or tell us where a person has walked,” Dogs are sophisticated investigative tools!

 

 

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