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Thread: Poor Men

  1. #1
    Wolven's Avatar
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    Talking Poor Men

    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
    ______________________________ _____________
    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

    I know I'm not going to understand women.

    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

    and still be afraid of a spider.
    ______________________________ ______________________
    WIFE VS. HUSBAND

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

    neither of them wanted to concede their position.

    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

    the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

    'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
    ______________________________ ___________________
    CREATION

    A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

    so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

    'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
    ______________________________ __________________
    The Silent Treatment

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home

    and were giving each other the silent treatment..

    Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

    at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

    'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .'

    He left it where he knew she would find it.

    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

    The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

    ______________________________ ____________________
    Never be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way" ~Martin Luther King, Jr

  2. #2
    gozling's Avatar
    gozling is offline the gene pool could use a little chlorine
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    HAHAHAHAAHA loved the inlaws one the most!!
    http://www.allpoetry.com/Grunts%20Girl

    We dallied under
    Vine maples and sapling alders
    Searched for lady slippers
    But instead
    Found blackberry riots and
    Desiccated branches

    An old skid road
    Brought ghost ferns and
    Hollows filled with
    Skunk cabbage
    While waves wrapped
    Intricate lacings of weeds
    'Round mule spinners

    His cyanotic eyes
    Were hard enough to make
    The sun turn tail and
    Tender enough to attract me
    To his world of illusion

  3. #3
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    Thoase were pretty funny! Here are some I enjoy:

    Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

    From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

    The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

    Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.


    The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
    What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?

    A whine and cheese party
    A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
    Tongue Twister

    A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

    He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

    So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

    The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too." "I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.''
    What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A battery has a positive side.
    Why don't women wear watches?
    There's a clock on the stove.
    Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
    Because she was a woman.
    What if God's a woman?
    Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
    Woman inspires us to great things...and prevents us from achieving them.
    Pleasing nobody, one person at a time.

    That which does not kill me, better start fucking running.

    If I lived every day like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.

    I intend to go in harm's way. -John Paul Jones

    Hunt the wolf, and bring light to the dark places that others fear to go. LT COL Dave Grossman

  4. #4
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    What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?

    A whine and cheese party
    I think it should be 'bitch and itch'
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  5. #5
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    OK, it's ON!

    Why do women get PMS?
    They deserve it.

    What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitbull?
    Pitbulls don't wear lipstick.

    Why did the feminist cross the road?
    Who cares? What's she doing out of the kitchen anyways?

    How can you tell when a woman is going to say something smart?
    She starts the sentence, "My husband told me...."
    For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.

    Winston Churchill

  6. #6
    gozling's Avatar
    gozling is offline the gene pool could use a little chlorine
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    ..
    Quote Originally Posted by keith720 View Post
    OK, it's ON!
    I didn't realize it was off? good for you and that new viagra

    Why do women get PMS?
    so men have a reason for us to be all dominating and mean and like it without feeling guilty by just pissing us off in general


    What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitbull?
    Pitbulls don't wear lipstick. hm that is odd, the other day your wife was telling us how much you love to dress up your pitbull.

    Why did the feminist cross the road?
    Killing the chicken you wanted for dinner since your lazy ass is on the couch

    How can you tell when a woman is going to say something smart?
    She starts the sentence,
    "My husband told me...." "My husband told me to tell you he is a dumbass who puts lipstick on his pitbull, has something ON, wont go out and kill the chicken for dinner, and likes his dominating wife"
    http://www.allpoetry.com/Grunts%20Girl

    We dallied under
    Vine maples and sapling alders
    Searched for lady slippers
    But instead
    Found blackberry riots and
    Desiccated branches

    An old skid road
    Brought ghost ferns and
    Hollows filled with
    Skunk cabbage
    While waves wrapped
    Intricate lacings of weeds
    'Round mule spinners

    His cyanotic eyes
    Were hard enough to make
    The sun turn tail and
    Tender enough to attract me
    To his world of illusion

  7. #7
    snuffy2202's Avatar
    snuffy2202 is offline JUST ANOTHER TEQUILA SUNRISE
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    Rule #1. Don't mess with the Goz!

  8. #8
    Big Al's Avatar
    Big Al is offline There is no place like home....
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    Quote Originally Posted by snuffy2202 View Post
    Rule #1. Don't mess with the Goz!
    Oh yea, I agree. She has PMS....
    To be a good Law Enforcement Officer you MUST know the law!

  9. #9
    Wolven's Avatar
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    LOL Goz! The feminist one was a classic!
    Never be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way" ~Martin Luther King, Jr

  10. #10
    BigDawg's Avatar
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    Whats the difference with your wife at the front door bitching and your dog at the back door barking??

    When you let the dog inside it shuts up!!!
    "An Unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it." Jeff Cooper


    Some people are meant to be the police......Some people are meant to call the police!!!

    "Socialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it."
    -Ronald Reagan


    " I believe that forgiving them (Terrorist) is God's function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
    General Norman Schwartzkopf

    Not all Muslims are Terrorists, but all Terrorists are Muslim.
    (author unknown)


    The statements posted by BigDawg DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, or procedures of the author's employing agency. These statements are the personal opinions of BigDawg only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the user name of BigDawg. The opinions expressed by BigDawg are protected by the 1st Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. BigDawg’s messages are intended to invoke thought and discussion among the "Officer Resources" forum community and may not necessarily reflect the opinion of the author. BigDawg’s posts and any attachments are intended for an adult audience (18+) and may contain strong language, sexual content, nudity, violence, and may be graphic in nature. Some material may be considered offensive; reader discretion is advised. Please note that many of BigDawg’s posts are intended for entertainment value only. BigDawg’s posts are not intended to be used where prohibited by law. Furthermore, BigDawg's posts, and any attachments, may contain information covered by the Electronic Communications Privacy Act, 18 U.S.C. 2510-2521, and is confidential and proprietary in nature. If you are not the intended recipient, please be advised that you are legally prohibited from retaining, using, copying, distributing, or otherwise disclosing this information in any manner.

  11. #11
    keith720's Avatar
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    How many men does it take to get a bottle of beer?

    None. She better have one with her for you on her way out of the kitchen to get the vacuum cleaner.
    For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.

    Winston Churchill

  12. #12
    JLK's Avatar
    JLK
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    Quote Originally Posted by Big Al View Post
    Oh yea, I agree. She has PMS....
    Permanently
    Mentally
    Screwed up%-]


    "A strong man stands up for himself. A stronger man stands up for others."
    Ben

    The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented
    on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you
    expecting trouble?" "No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have
    brought my rifle."
    (just stole this one hope you don't mind)


    The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they are ignorant,
    it is just that they know so much that isn't so.
    President Ronald Reagan



  13. #13
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    Why do men die earlier than women?
    They WANT to.

  14. #14
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    armsmaster270 is offline Ret. Sac. P.D. - 270th M.P. Co., Now with D.H.S.
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    This is foreplay, right?


    Pretty women make us BUY beer. Ugly women make us DRINK beer. --Al Bundy

    http://www.armsmaster.net-a.googlepages.com

  15. #15
    Xiphos's Avatar
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    If a man runs over his wife with his car, whose fault is it?

    The man. He shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen.


    Pleasing nobody, one person at a time.

    That which does not kill me, better start fucking running.

    If I lived every day like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.

    I intend to go in harm's way. -John Paul Jones

    Hunt the wolf, and bring light to the dark places that others fear to go. LT COL Dave Grossman

 

 

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