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Thread: A few laughs

  1. #1
    armsmaster270's Avatar
    armsmaster270 is offline Ret. Sac. P.D. - 270th M.P. Co., Now with D.H.S.
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    Talking A few laughs

    >Subject: Fw: EXTREME Redneck> >
    >You're An EXTREME Redneck when.....>
    >1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
    >2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
    >3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws
    .>4. You think a woman who is 'out of your league' bowls on adifferent night.>
    >5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
    >6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey guys, watch this.'
    >7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
    >8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
    >9. Your junior prom offered day care.
    >10. You think the last words of the 'Star-Spangled Banner' are:'Gentlemen, start your engines.'>
    >11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its >wheels.
    >12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
    >13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
    >14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
    >15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
    >16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
    >17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
    >BONUS COMMENT>An East Texas couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'. The doctor asked them why, after 9 children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn't want a Mexicanbaby because neither of them could speak Spanish.>

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    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives
    duties.The first man had married a Woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
    The second man had married a woman from Kentucky. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and food was on the table.
    The third man had married a girl from Massachusetts . He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
    Subject: Fw: Bear Remover

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So
    he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
    Removers."

    He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
    minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got
    a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.

    "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

    "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
    go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
    When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles
    and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him
    in the cage in the back of the van."

    He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

    "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

    "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
    ----------------------------------
    The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost
    all the time.
    The midget went to the doctor and told him about his
    problem.
    The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have
    a look.
    The midget dropped his pants.
    The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and
    started to examine him.
    The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told
    the midget to
    turn his head a nd cough,the usual method to check for
    a hernia.
    'Hmm...' mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger
    under the right
    testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said
    the doctor,
    and reached for his surgical scissors.
    Snip-sni p-snip-snip on the right side... then
    snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
    The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but
    noted with amazement that
    the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the
    midget to walk around
    the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
    The midget was absolutely
    delighted as he walked around and discovered his
    testicles were no longer aching.
    The doctor said, 'How does that feel now ?' The midget
    replied, 'Perfect Doc,
    and I didn't even feel it.. What did you do?'
    The doctor replied 'I cut two inches off the top of your
    cowboy boots...


    Pretty women make us BUY beer. Ugly women make us DRINK beer. --Al Bundy

    http://www.armsmaster.net-a.googlepages.com

  2. #2
    Pinki's Avatar
    Pinki is offline Sergeant
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    Arm the sheep!

  3. #3
    10-42Adam's Avatar
    10-42Adam is offline Major
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    Hahaha I loved the redneck and the bear jokes. Thanks for sharing!
    Calm Like A Bomb...

    A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. An optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.
    -Winston Churchill

 

 

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