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Thread: Only a man would attempt this!
12-01-08, 06:55 PM #1
Only a man would attempt this!
I hope this hasn't been posted before, it's the funniest thing I've read in a long long time, and made me cry from laughing so much.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE CRAP!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my gonads and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.Never approach a bull by the front, a horse from behind, or an idiot from any direction.
12-01-08, 07:07 PM #2
LMAO.... I was laughing so hard I could hardly finish reading it. Good Posthttp://i236.photobucket.com/albums/f.../ukbluejw2.gif
"When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you've growled all day long."
12-01-08, 08:01 PM #3
12-01-08, 09:59 PM #4
LOL wish I could see that scene on film!Calm Like A Bomb...
“A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. An optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.”
12-01-08, 11:40 PM #5Rookie
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lol that was pretty funny.....tears.....wouldve been funny to see in person
12-02-08, 09:49 PM #6
LMAO, too bad you didn't train gracie to work a video, it'd been great to watch. Thanks for the advise of what not to get my wife, I can see her dancin around sayin " the pensions all mine, the pensions all mine ".
12-02-08, 10:14 PM #7
sad thing is, all of us is that if we got that taser, we would probably be 'that guy'. I'd probably have burn marks through out the house, try to shock the wife on the other side of the doornob. I'd probably even make extensions to put in the tub while she isn't looking just to give her a shock, sad thing is she'd do the same thing to me.
I'd scuff around on the floor with my pajamas on to get the static thing going but we have wood floors.
I'm just scared shitless of the X-26 and absolutely won't mess with that.
12-02-08, 10:23 PM #8SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM-Ex-Sheriff Martin Howe to Will Kane in "High Noon"
"It's a great life. You risk your skin catching killers and the juries turn them loose so they can come back and shoot at you again. If your honest , your poor your whole life. And , In the end , you wind up dying all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothing. For a tin star."
Far from being a handicap to command, compassion is the measure of it. For unless one values the lives of his soldiers and is tormented by their ordeals , he is unfit to command.
-General Omar Bradley, United States Army
12-02-08, 10:28 PM #9
I agree it must have been a guy because a girl would be too dumb to figure out it needs batteries!
12-02-08, 10:35 PM #10
that was an email going around for awhile.. cuteV
12-07-08, 06:57 AM #11
I had posted that on here about a year or so ago,having changed the names to me,Dapples,and her cat Baby cat.In one of those truth is stranger than fiction things,when I finally did get issued my Taser,I went into her computer room and was showing it to her,I removed the cartridge,pulled the trigger ,and I SWEAR,I did not notice Baby Cat in her lap,anyway,the scratches healed after a few days
12-07-08, 08:43 AM #12
With my luck, I would probably set my house on fire, living in a mobile home and all.
Nope, nuh huh, no way! If I ever get one of those things and decide to try it, it will be under the supervision of someone in LE. I have learned way too much in these LE forums to even try something as stupid as that without the proper precautions in place.
At least he tried it on himself first before trying it on anyone else, I'll give him credit for that.
Choose The Right. When you're doing whats right, then you have nothing to worry about.
Not a LEO
In memory of Sgt. Howard K. Stevenson 1965 - 2005. Ceres Police Dept.
In memory of Robert N. Panos 1955 - 2008 Ceres Police Dept.
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