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Thread: Affairs

  1. #1
    Lazy Fed's Avatar
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    6 Classic Affairs

    The 1st Affair

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day
    they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

    Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

    The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
    outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

    He put on his shoes and drove home. Where have you been?" his
    wife demanded.

    "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with
    my secretary.

    We had sex all afternoon."

    She looked down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
    You've been playing golf!"

    ****************************** *****************************

    The 2nd Affair

    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always
    talked about having a son.

    They decided to try one last time for the son they always

    The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

    The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

    He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He
    told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

    Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

    Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

    The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

    ****************************** ****************************** **

    The 3rd Affair

    A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body
    of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated and made a startling discovery.

    Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm
    sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,

    "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive
    private part. It must be saved for posterity."

    So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it

    "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his
    wife, opening his briefcase.

    "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

    ****************************** *****************************

    The 4th Affair

    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
    opening the front door.

    "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil
    all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

    "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a

    "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

    "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I
    liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

    Around 2 AM, the husband got up and went to the kitchen and
    returned with a sandwich and a beer.

    "Here," he said to the statue, have this.

    I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody
    offered me a damned thing."

    ****************************** *****************************

    The 5th Affair

    A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
    "Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent."

    "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

    He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy
    steak and a bottle of wine?"

    "A nickel," the barman replied.

    "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this

    The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

    The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

    The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his
    business down here."

    ****************************** ****************************** **

    The 6th Affair

    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up
    and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

    "There's no need to, " his wife replied.

    "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.

    I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend
    and your mother!"

    "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work.
    dulce et decorum est pro patria mori

    Quote Originally Posted by Resident Smart Ass
    Life is to short not to experience Lazy Fed
    ___ ___ ___
    {o,o} {-.-} {0,0}
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    -"-"- -"-"- -"-"-
    O RLY?? YA RLY NO WAI!!!!

    The incoherent statements given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency or any other person for that matter. They are MY PERSONAL DELUSIONAL FANTASIES and I accept sole responsibility as such as I am either drunk or stressed out of my mind.

  2. #2
    Terminator's Avatar
    Terminator is offline BANNED
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    None of your business
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  3. #3
    Roses's Avatar
    Roses is offline Member
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    These are funny!

    A Smile

    A smile cost nothing, but gives so much.

    It enriches those who receive it,
    without making poorer those who give.
    It takes but a moment, but the memory
    of it sometimes lasts forever.

    None is so rich or mighty that he
    can get along without it,
    and none is so poor but that
    he can be made rich by it.

    A smile creates happiness in the home,
    fosters goodwill in business,
    and is the countersign of friendship.

    It brings rest to the weary,
    cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad,
    and it is nature's best antidote for trouble.

    Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed,
    or stolen, for it is something that is of no
    value to anyone until it is given away.

    Some people are too tired to give you a smile.
    Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile
    so much as he who has no more to give.

    - author unknown



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