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  1. #1
    Wolven's Avatar
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    Talking Things actually said in court

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ______________________________ _____________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    _____________________ ______________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ______________________________ _____________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ______________________________ ____________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________ _____________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ______________________________ ______

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
    ______________________________ ___________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    ______________________________ ___________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: getting laid
    ______________________________ _____________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ______________________________ _____________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ______________________________ ______________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    ______________________________ ______

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________ ________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS : All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    ______________________________ __________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral..
    ______________________________ ___________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ______________________________ _____________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________ _______

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..
    Never be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way" ~Martin Luther King, Jr

  2. #2
    irishmick's Avatar
    irishmick is offline Do not mistake my kindness for weakness.
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    I never get tired of these...
    --"D.B.A.D." --Me

    --Life's tough...it's tougher if you're stupid.

    --"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." -Elbert Hubbard

  3. #3
    CTR man's Avatar
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    What about the Judges, did they have any problems staying calm?

    I really liked the last one.


    Choose The Right. When you're doing whats right, then you have nothing to worry about.

    Not a LEO

    In memory of Sgt. Howard K. Stevenson 1965 - 2005. Ceres Police Dept.
    In memory of Robert N. Panos 1955 - 2008 Ceres Police Dept.









  4. #4
    JeffW is offline Officer First Class
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    True story's Both of them.

    Attorney: If you was headed north and you turned right, would say you were headed east?

    Officer: No

    Attorney: Let me rephrase, If you was headed north and you turned right, what direction would you be headed:

    Officer: East

    Attorney: Thats what I said, If you was headed north and turned right, would you say you was headed East?

    Officer: No, pause, I have no reason to say that.

    Attorney: You Honor the witness is badgering me.


    Another one

    Attorney: Now isn't it true that you went onto the property on a lark?

    Agent: No sir I went in a Bureau car.

  5. #5
    Buttercup's Avatar
    Buttercup is offline Thrives in sunshine
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    Those are great!




  6. #6
    Cidp24's Avatar
    Cidp24 is offline Tempus Fugit
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    Actual trial in our municipal court - PD was arrested for being loud and boisterous in a motel lobby in the wee hours of the morning.
    Public Drunk Defendant, representing himself: "I was not drunk. I smelled like alcohol because I just got off work and had some spills. I was loud because I met these girls that were testifying to me about God and I got emotional. I might have been disturbing the peace but I was not drunk."

    He went on and on with this line and said "I might have been disturbing the peace but I was not drunk." about five or six times. The judge found him not guilty of public drunk but guilty of disturbing the peace. When the judge said that, the defendant went "But, but!" and the judge cut him off and said "Mr So-and-so, you stood here and admitted to disturbing the peace several times, I am not going to hear it. Pay the fine on your way out." Snickers were heard everywhere, even from the other defendants.
    *************************
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    to another life somewhere in the sun."
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    "There's something inherently wrong with having to put on a bullet-proof vest and a gun to go to work."-(An old friend)


    Any statements or opinions given in my postings or profile do not reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employer or anyone else other than me. They are my personal opinions or statements only, thereby releasing my employer , any other entity, or any other person of any liability or involvement in anything posted under the username "Cidp24" on O/R.

  7. #7
    Captain America's Avatar
    Captain America is online now Reed and Malloy were my FTOs
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    We had a rocket scientist acting as his own attorney one time questioning an undercover narcotics officer with a short regulation hair cut on the witness stand. The defendant asked the officer who he had sold the crack to. When the officer responded that he sold the crack to the defendant , the defendant stated in open court in a loud , irate voice that the officer was lying because the guy he(the defendant) had sold the crack to had long blond hair. If that wasn't bad enough for the idiot, The DA was able to prove the undercover officer was wearing a wig during the buy as the video clearly showed.
    SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM

    "It's a great life. You risk your skin catching killers and the juries turn them loose so they can come back and shoot at you again. If your honest , your poor your whole life. And , In the end , you wind up dying all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothing. For a tin star."
    -Ex-Sheriff Martin Howe to Will Kane in "High Noon"

    Far from being a handicap to command, compassion is the measure of it. For unless one values the lives of his soldiers and is tormented by their ordeals , he is unfit to command.
    -General Omar Bradley, United States Army

    Renniger-Richards-Griswold-Owens

  8. #8
    Morris is offline Chief Wheaties Pisser
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    Subject fled a DUI collision. We located him and I juiced him with a TASER, gaining compliance. Naturally, went to trial.

    Attorney: So officer, you stated that you used a TASER to gain compliance of my client.
    Me: Yes.
    A: And you are qualified to use this ELECTRO-STUN DEVICE???
    Me: I am TASER qualified.
    A: Isn't it true that you sent FIFTY THOUSAND VOLTS into my client?
    Me: It's not that big of a deal.
    A (in a mocked exasperated voice): but my client felt pain!
    Me: If you say so.
    A: Have you ever experience this ELECTRO-STUN DEVICE?!?!
    Me: Yes, in fact, I have acopy of my training video. I'd be happy to provide you or the judge a copy although I must caution you that I'd rate it R for language and dialogue.
    A (looking shocked, then embarassed): No, no that won't be necessary.
    Me: You sure? It's pretty funny to watch.
    A (whining): Your honor?!
    Judge: I think he gets the point officer.
    Me: Alright judge. But's it's funny stuff.

    Jury was laughing, judge was smiling, prosecutor was choking down great gobs of laughter.

  9. #9
    pgg's Avatar
    pgg
    pgg is offline Damnit, I'm hungry again.
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    I had a good DUI on a while back. After I get done on the stand the defense attorney puts the perp on the stand to "refute my statements". After being sworn in the questions start. The prosecutor takes his turn and asks. Do you feel the officer had P.C. to stop you? "Yes". Do you feel you were under the influence of alcohol? "Yes". Do you think you should have been driving? "No, I was drunk". Should the officer have arrested you? "Yes". The defense attorney was just holding his head in his hands Later upon being asked after the trail the perp was asked why he answered in that way. "because I was under oath and can't lie"
    'Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a
    delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly
    promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
    holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
    possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!'

    A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity. Sigmund Freud

  10. #10
    Morris is offline Chief Wheaties Pisser
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  11. #11
    Jenna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morris View Post
    Me: You sure? It's pretty funny to watch.
    A (whining): Your honor?!
    Judge: I think he gets the point officer.
    Me: Alright judge. But's it's funny stuff.

    Jury was laughing, judge was smiling, prosecutor was choking down great gobs of laughter.


    Bet they wanted to watch it too!

  12. #12
    Jenna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pgg View Post
    Later upon being asked after the trail the perp was asked why he answered in that way. "because I was under oath and can't lie"


    If only they all felt that way!

  13. #13
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    Odd
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    The O/R contributed stories are better than the originals! You guys are cracking me up

  14. #14
    ex401mp's Avatar
    ex401mp is offline Was betrachten Sie?
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    I was in traffic court a few years ago for a racing charge. This was jsut a civil infraction back then. Along with the racing, I also issued a speeding citation for 103 mph in a 45 zone. The guy stood in front of the judge and said that the only reason he was fighting the charges was because I called him an asshole. I stood there and told the judge that what he said was not true, i told him that he was driving like one. The judge chuckled and said that he cant argue with that and nailed him with a one year suspension and $900.00 in fines.
    Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American G.I.
    One died for your soul, the other for your freedom. ~ Anon

    si hic carrus commovet non quaerete

    RIP Scott L. Roth- Pfc 1st Platoon,401st MP Co, KIA 12/20/89- Operation Just Cause- Not forgotten.
    ALWAYS FIRST!!!

  15. #15
    pgg's Avatar
    pgg
    pgg is offline Damnit, I'm hungry again.
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    my poor slow memory just rememberred another good one.

    I was at court for an arraignment. The suspect was in custody for criminal threats and assault with a deadly weapon. Since he was in custody he was in his pretty little orange jumpsuit and shackles and waist chain. The way the guys first name is spelled is Louise but it is pronounced Louis. When his turn came up the Judge called up "Louise B****" pronouncing it the way it is spelled like the female name. He jumps up and says "its fuckin Louis asshole, get it right" Now during this hearing the defense attorney tried to get him O.R.ed (released on his own recognicance). The prosecution brought up his prior record that included several prior assault with a deadly weapons, robberys, and an attempted murder (mind you these are all convictions). The prosecution wants the bail raised. The defense attorney said those prior convictions were minor things and not violent and they showed that he was no danger at all to the public. Needless to say the Judge decided that Louise would be held without bail. He stayed in the lock up for a couple months prior to trail and I think it was a direct result of his opening comments
    'Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a
    delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly
    promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
    holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
    possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!'

    A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity. Sigmund Freud

  16. #16
    Pudge's Avatar
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    I was in Muni court one morning for a hearing. I usually go early enough to watch arraignments for the entertainment value. Our Muni court judge is awesome. She takes no shit, and could make Judge Judy speechless if she wanted to.

    While she's calling a case to the podium, this hood rat looking girl who was charged stands up with attitude and stomps her way to the podium. Her court attire was like every other moron's, and left alot to be desired. She struts up there in a pair of ratty jean shorts and a belly shirt that says, "I'm not a bitch, I am THE BITCH" The judge without missing a beat looks at her, looks at all of us (officers, probation officers, etc) and giggles, saying "hehe, THIS is gonna be fun!"

    The chick must have gotten the point because her "uh huh's" and "nuh uhs" quickly turned into "yes your honor, no your honor"
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  17. #17
    tapout's Avatar
    tapout is offline keepin it gangsta'
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    this wasnt something said, but i found it hilarious. i was at a trial for a home invasion robbery, and the suspect testified in his own defense. for some reason we werent sequestered, so i was watching this guy testify, but you could hardly hear him and he was shaking a little. so the judge tells him to relax, get comfortable, and get a little closer to the microphone. so this guy reaches out and grabs the mic and removes it from the stand, kicks way back in his chair into a gangsta lean, puts the mic up to his mouth, and tilts it up as if he's rapping into it. then he testified that way for about 15 minutes. we all looked at each other and started giggling. i could barely keep a straight face. he ended up pleaing to 10 years halfway through the trial.

    another time i locked this guy up for driving on a suspended license (which i rarely do, but he was caught 2 times in the 3 days prior doing the same thing by guys in my squad) and search incident i found some weed. he pled guilty, and the judge asked him if he had anything that he wanted to say about himself prior to sentencing...this is usually the time when the defendant says i messed up, i made a mistake, i was stupid, it will never happen again, i have a job, my family depends on my pay check, etc...he says (in about the loudest, most burnt out voice you could imagine) "I smoke weed". The judge says "thats pretty apparent son, but is there anything you want to tell me about yourself?" and he says "you see, what had happened was, i was driving, and got pulled over, and had a suspended license, and the officer found my weed." and the judge said, "yes, we have established that when you pled guilty. but is there anything you want to say prior to sentencing?" and he says "yeah, well, i was drivin, and had a suspended license, and some weed, and got arrested..." and the judge finally said "1 year suspended sentence (big surprise), stop smoking weed, it kills your brain cells"
    in the warriors code there's no surrender, though his body says stop, his spirit cries...NEVER. deep in our souls, a quiet ember, knows its you against you, its the paradox that drives us all. its a battle of wills, in the heat of attack, its the passion that kills, and victory is yours alone.


    the posts and opinions stated by me do not in any way reflect the values, beliefs, or views of my department. they are simply opinions and/or observations which have been developed through my personal experiences. hell, most of the stories probably arent even true...wink wink

  18. #18
    JLK's Avatar
    JLK
    JLK is offline Protecting Those That Can't Protect Themselves
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    we had a young man during preliminary hearing on auto burglary. it went against him and his lawyer asked for a bail reduction from $50,000. the prosecutor immediately asked for it to be rasised stated the the 22yr defendant has 25 burglary motor vehicle convictions. the judge raised it to $100,000. the defense attorney told the judge that she could not do that. the judge then raised it to $150,000 and asked the defense attorney if there was anything else she could help him with.

  19. #19
    CTR man's Avatar
    CTR man is offline Officer First Class
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    Seems that the defense attorney was secretly working for the prosecution in this case.


    Choose The Right. When you're doing whats right, then you have nothing to worry about.

    Not a LEO

    In memory of Sgt. Howard K. Stevenson 1965 - 2005. Ceres Police Dept.
    In memory of Robert N. Panos 1955 - 2008 Ceres Police Dept.









  20. #20
    Captain America's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CTR man View Post
    Seems that the defense attorney was secretly working for the prosecution in this case.
    It's usually the other way around.............
    SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM

    "It's a great life. You risk your skin catching killers and the juries turn them loose so they can come back and shoot at you again. If your honest , your poor your whole life. And , In the end , you wind up dying all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothing. For a tin star."
    -Ex-Sheriff Martin Howe to Will Kane in "High Noon"

    Far from being a handicap to command, compassion is the measure of it. For unless one values the lives of his soldiers and is tormented by their ordeals , he is unfit to command.
    -General Omar Bradley, United States Army

    Renniger-Richards-Griswold-Owens

 

 

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