(NSFW) Texts from last night

**Xiphos** · 05-03-09, 05:22 PM

I'm rolling...

texts from last night

A few excerpts:

(330): How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...

(717): WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.

(951): my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today

(601): I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker

(617): Need ur aereola diameter

(248): yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)

(212): Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
(248): hah, sarcasm, classic

(248): They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.

(310): your room smells of hookers.
(904): And success

(607): You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
(405): No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.

(713): So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?

(573): I can tuck mytits in my pants

(832): Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.

(908): Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
(617) Remember that time you hooked up with him?

(240): How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?

(757): DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
(703): I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.

(815): Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
(630): It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.

(917): My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

(845): At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.

(847): is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?

(914): Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

(917): K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.

(704): I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.

(678): did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
(404): did it work?
(678): nope

(617): i feel rough
(617): just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.

(480): I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.

(602): I like to think it a success when the cops are called

(310): dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
(323): no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
(310): oh, so thats why my junks red.
(323): wow. cant help you there...

(415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

(312): Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
(773): You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal

(775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
(1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?!
(775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

(843): I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.

(617): Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises

(714): I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.

(573): My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.

(313): All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
(517): Maybe you should learn how to spell write first

(206): remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
(206): neither do i

(617): So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.

(865): mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
(1-865): i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.

(949): Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.