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Thread: Best Puns

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    Best Puns

    The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Here are the 9 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

    1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

    2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

    3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

    5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

    8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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  2. #2
    Jenna's Avatar
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    I should have entered that contest!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenna View Post


    I should have entered that contest!
    Why?












    SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM

    "It's a great life. You risk your skin catching killers and the juries turn them loose so they can come back and shoot at you again. If your honest , your poor your whole life. And , In the end , you wind up dying all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothing. For a tin star."
    -Ex-Sheriff Martin Howe to Will Kane in "High Noon"

    Far from being a handicap to command, compassion is the measure of it. For unless one values the lives of his soldiers and is tormented by their ordeals , he is unfit to command.
    -General Omar Bradley, United States Army

    Renniger-Richards-Griswold-Owens

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    Quote Originally Posted by Captain America View Post
    Why?

    I would have won! Unless you entered it as well, in which case you would have won!

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    LOL!
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  6. #6
    Captain America's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenna View Post
    I would have won! Unless you entered it as well, in which case you would have won!

    Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.

    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other : " Does this taste funny to you?"
    SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM

    "It's a great life. You risk your skin catching killers and the juries turn them loose so they can come back and shoot at you again. If your honest , your poor your whole life. And , In the end , you wind up dying all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothing. For a tin star."
    -Ex-Sheriff Martin Howe to Will Kane in "High Noon"

    Far from being a handicap to command, compassion is the measure of it. For unless one values the lives of his soldiers and is tormented by their ordeals , he is unfit to command.
    -General Omar Bradley, United States Army

    Renniger-Richards-Griswold-Owens

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    Jenna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Captain America View Post
    Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.

    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other : " Does this taste funny to you?"


    Hope the clown they were eating wasn't me (or you!)

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    Captain America, Cidp24, and Jenna walked into a bar.

    They all said, "ouch!"

  9. #9
    Captain America's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenna View Post
    Captain America, Cidp24, and Jenna walked into a bar.

    They all said, "ouch!"

    O.k. that was funny.

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra...........
    SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM

    "It's a great life. You risk your skin catching killers and the juries turn them loose so they can come back and shoot at you again. If your honest , your poor your whole life. And , In the end , you wind up dying all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothing. For a tin star."
    -Ex-Sheriff Martin Howe to Will Kane in "High Noon"

    Far from being a handicap to command, compassion is the measure of it. For unless one values the lives of his soldiers and is tormented by their ordeals , he is unfit to command.
    -General Omar Bradley, United States Army

    Renniger-Richards-Griswold-Owens

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    Quote Originally Posted by Captain America View Post
    O.k. that was funny.

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra...........

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenna View Post
    Captain America, Cidp24, and Jenna walked into a bar.

    They all said, "ouch!"
    Captain America, Cidp24, Jenna, and Buttercup go out for the evening. Captain America, Cidp24, and Jenna walked into a bar. Buttercup ducked.




  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Captain America View Post
    Why?

















  13. #13
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    not sure why mine didn't make the cut.

    Did you hear about the sick dogs that are crossing over our southern border?

    It's called ill-beagle immigrants.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Buttercup View Post
    Captain America, Cidp24, Jenna, and Buttercup go out for the evening. Captain America, Cidp24, and Jenna walked into a bar. Buttercup ducked.
    Buttercup must have been the one who tricked us into walking into the bar!

    Quote Originally Posted by Reca View Post
    not sure why mine didn't make the cut.

    Did you hear about the sick dogs that are crossing over our southern border?

    It's called ill-beagle immigrants.


  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Reca View Post
    not sure why mine didn't make the cut.

    Did you hear about the sick dogs that are crossing over our southern border?

    It's called ill-beagle immigrants.




  16. #16
    Captain America's Avatar
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    Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
    SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM

    "It's a great life. You risk your skin catching killers and the juries turn them loose so they can come back and shoot at you again. If your honest , your poor your whole life. And , In the end , you wind up dying all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothing. For a tin star."
    -Ex-Sheriff Martin Howe to Will Kane in "High Noon"

    Far from being a handicap to command, compassion is the measure of it. For unless one values the lives of his soldiers and is tormented by their ordeals , he is unfit to command.
    -General Omar Bradley, United States Army

    Renniger-Richards-Griswold-Owens

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Captain America View Post
    Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"



    This is an old one, but one of my favorites:

    A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."




  18. #18
    Captain America's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buttercup View Post



    This is an old one, but one of my favorites:

    A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

    Hadn't heard that one.....
    SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM

    "It's a great life. You risk your skin catching killers and the juries turn them loose so they can come back and shoot at you again. If your honest , your poor your whole life. And , In the end , you wind up dying all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothing. For a tin star."
    -Ex-Sheriff Martin Howe to Will Kane in "High Noon"

    Far from being a handicap to command, compassion is the measure of it. For unless one values the lives of his soldiers and is tormented by their ordeals , he is unfit to command.
    -General Omar Bradley, United States Army

    Renniger-Richards-Griswold-Owens

  19. #19
    Captain America's Avatar
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    What's Irish and stays out all night ?


    Patio Furniture.
    SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM

    "It's a great life. You risk your skin catching killers and the juries turn them loose so they can come back and shoot at you again. If your honest , your poor your whole life. And , In the end , you wind up dying all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothing. For a tin star."
    -Ex-Sheriff Martin Howe to Will Kane in "High Noon"

    Far from being a handicap to command, compassion is the measure of it. For unless one values the lives of his soldiers and is tormented by their ordeals , he is unfit to command.
    -General Omar Bradley, United States Army

    Renniger-Richards-Griswold-Owens

  20. #20
    Captain America's Avatar
    Captain America is offline Reed and Malloy were my FTOs
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    Quote Originally Posted by Reca View Post
    not sure why mine didn't make the cut.

    I know why........
    SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM

    "It's a great life. You risk your skin catching killers and the juries turn them loose so they can come back and shoot at you again. If your honest , your poor your whole life. And , In the end , you wind up dying all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothing. For a tin star."
    -Ex-Sheriff Martin Howe to Will Kane in "High Noon"

    Far from being a handicap to command, compassion is the measure of it. For unless one values the lives of his soldiers and is tormented by their ordeals , he is unfit to command.
    -General Omar Bradley, United States Army

    Renniger-Richards-Griswold-Owens

 

 
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