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  1. #1
    Magnum440 is offline Older Than Dirt
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    A Man's Point of View

    Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
    them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do men fart more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to
    build up the required pressure.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    I married a Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
    a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    It's called a Wedding Cake.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Women will never be equal to men until they can
    walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
    gut, and still think they are sexy.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
    to the select few women who know this is all bullsh*t anyway !
    Facta non verba
    "The good Lord set definite limits on man's wisdom, but set no limits on his stupidity and that's not fair!" Konrad Adenauer,

  2. #2
    keith720's Avatar
    keith720 is offline Finely Aged
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    Why did the feminist cross the road? Who cares. What's she doing out of the kitchen!?
    For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.

    Winston Churchill

  3. #3
    cajunguy's Avatar
    cajunguy is offline I LOVE my ParaOrd .45ACP!
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    Y'all are gonna be in SOOOOOO much trouble when the ladies start logging on tonight. Attachment 222


    .
    The Swamp Mafia -
    "Heaven doesn't want us,
    and Hell's afraid we'll take over!!"
    .

  4. #4
    keith720's Avatar
    keith720 is offline Finely Aged
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    I aint skeered of no girls!
    For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.

    Winston Churchill

  5. #5
    Prometheus's Avatar
    Prometheus is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by keith758
    I aint skeered of no girls!
    That's not courage. That's just dumb.
    "Look, just give me some inner peace or I'll mop the floor with you!"

  6. #6
    Cheech Guest
    Brads gonna be soo offended at this

  7. #7
    Cheech Guest
    What did the cop tell the girl with the two black eyes?

    You shoulda listened the first time

  8. #8
    Bosco3379's Avatar
    Bosco3379 is offline I'm the one in the middle
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    Why don't women need drivers licenses? Because there aren't any roads between the kitchen and laundry room
    Former member of the LNC

    Will take verbal abuse for spare change

    Some Of My Wicked Awesome Signature Banners

  9. #9
    keith720's Avatar
    keith720 is offline Finely Aged
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    How many men does it take to do the dishes? None. That's woman's work!
    For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.

    Winston Churchill

  10. #10
    121Traffic's Avatar
    121Traffic is offline Just Us
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    What do 20,000 battered women in America a year all have in common?

    They just don't fucking listen!
    "If anything worthwhile comes of this tragedy, it should be the realization by every citizen that often the only thing that stands between them and losing everything they hold dear... is the man wearing a badge." -- Ronald Reagan, in the wake of the deaths of 4 CHP troopers in the Newhall Incident, 1970

    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "121Traffic" on O/R.

  11. #11
    121Traffic's Avatar
    121Traffic is offline Just Us
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    Why is divorce so expensive?

    Because it's worth it.
    "If anything worthwhile comes of this tragedy, it should be the realization by every citizen that often the only thing that stands between them and losing everything they hold dear... is the man wearing a badge." -- Ronald Reagan, in the wake of the deaths of 4 CHP troopers in the Newhall Incident, 1970

    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "121Traffic" on O/R.

  12. #12
    Cris1102 Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by 121Traffic
    Why is divorce so expensive?

    Because it's worth it.
    Aint that the damn truth!! It goes both ways, fellas.
    Last edited by Cris1102; 04-11-06 at 11:22 PM.

  13. #13
    Terminator's Avatar
    Terminator is offline BANNED
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    Talking

    Quote Originally Posted by 06AccordLX
    Brads gonna be soo offended at this

    Ha ha ha

  14. #14
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    What the hell is a kitchen? The only thing I'm let near is the microwave, sometimes.

  15. #15
    keith720's Avatar
    keith720 is offline Finely Aged
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    OK, this is it. This is the worst one I can think of:

    Why do women have legs: So they don't leave "Snail trails" when they go across a hardwood floor.
    For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.

    Winston Churchill

  16. #16
    121Traffic's Avatar
    121Traffic is offline Just Us
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    Quote Originally Posted by keith758
    OK, this is it. This is the worst one I can think of:

    Why do women have legs: So they don't leave "Snail trails" when they go across a hardwood floor.
    "If anything worthwhile comes of this tragedy, it should be the realization by every citizen that often the only thing that stands between them and losing everything they hold dear... is the man wearing a badge." -- Ronald Reagan, in the wake of the deaths of 4 CHP troopers in the Newhall Incident, 1970

    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "121Traffic" on O/R.

  17. #17
    TXCharlie's Avatar
    TXCharlie is offline Former & Future Reserve Officer
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    Talking

    Quote Originally Posted by Post#83Chief
    What the hell is a kitchen? The only thing I'm let near is the microwave, sometimes.
    Get back out there in the rain with your bright yellow vest, woman!

    (\__/)
    (='.'=) This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny into your
    (")_(") signature to help him gain world domination.

  18. #18
    Lo523's Avatar
    Lo523 is offline Master Officer
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    Magnum - absolutely brilliant jokes, I haven't laughed so much in ages!

  19. #19
    BigBossMan's Avatar
    BigBossMan is offline Officer First Class
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    Exclamation

    Quote Originally Posted by cajunguy
    Y'all are gonna be in SOOOOOO much trouble when the ladies start logging on tonight. Attachment 222


    .
    What? They can't handle the truth??? lol

  20. #20
    Honeypot's Avatar
    Honeypot is offline Officer First Class
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    Talking

    TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME!!!


    How are husbands like lawn mowers?
    They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

    How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
    We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

    How do men exercise on the beach?
    By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

    How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
    Make him wear shoes.

    How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
    Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

    How does a man show he's planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

    How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
    All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

    How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

    How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

    How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
    Two. If you slice them very thinly.

    What did God say after creating man?
    I can do so much better.

    What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
    Any place without a drive-up window.

    What do you call a handcuffed man?
    Trustworthy.

    What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
    You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

    What do you call a man with half a brain?
    Gifted.

    What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
    Exchange him.

    What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
    A power failure.

    What should you give a man who has everything?
    A woman to show him how to work it.

    How can you tell when a man is well hung?
    When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

    Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
    Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

    Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
    Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

    Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
    Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

    Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
    Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
    What do men and mascara have in common?
    They both run at the first sign of emotion.

    What do men and pantyhose have in common?
    They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

    What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
    His wife is good at picking out clothes.

    What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
    Four guys watching a football game.

    What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
    The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

    What is the difference between men and women?
    A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

    What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
    Sex.

    What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
    Telling you his real name.

    What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
    Put the remote control between his toes.

    What's the best way to kill a man?
    Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

    What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
    Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

    What's the smartest thing a man can say?
    "My wife says..."

    What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
    Straight through the rib cage.

    Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
    So men can understand them.

    Why can't men get mad cow disease?
    Because they're all pigs.

    Why did God create man before woman?
    He didn't want any advice.

    Why did God create man before woman?
    Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

    Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
    To knock the penises off the smart ones.

    Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
    To stop the snoring before it starts.

    Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
    To keep them from grazing.

    Why do little boys whine?
    Because they are practicing to be men.

    Why do men like smart women?
    Opposites attract.

    Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
    When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

    Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
    When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

    Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
    They all already have boyfriends.

 

 
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