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  1. #1
    NC Bullseye's Avatar
    NC Bullseye is offline Officer First Class
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    posted very low on a refrigerator door

    Dear Dogs and Cats:

    The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
    The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
    Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
    claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
    pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
    Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
    help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized
    bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I
    will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.

    Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
    necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest
    extent possible.

    I also know that sticking tails straight out and
    having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but
    sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!
    If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
    it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
    under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the
    same door I entered.

    Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance
    is not required.

    The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
    cannot stress this enough.

    One more thing, staring at me while I eat to try to direct my
    mind to give you my food will not work (usually). I am too old and too
    tired. Go stare at the kids. They are younger and more susceptible to
    mind control. If you don't believe me, notice how they all
    dress alike so they can be individuals.

    Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message
    on the front door:

    TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

    (1) They live here. You don't.
    (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
    (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

    Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

    (1) eat less,
    (2) don't ask for money all the time,
    (3) are easier to train,
    (4) normally come when called,
    (5) never ask to drive the car,
    (6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
    (7) don't smoke or drink,
    (8) don't want to wear your clothes,
    (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
    (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
    (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children


    This is one of my all time favs sorry if it's been around but pet owners can relate.

  2. #2
    lewisipso's Avatar
    lewisipso is offline Injustice/Indifference/In God we trust
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    Hahaha! Awesome.
    Do not war for peace. If you must war, war for justice. For without justice there is no peace. -me

    We are who we choose to be.

    R.I.P. Arielle. 08/20/2010-09/16/2012


  3. #3
    Cidp24's Avatar
    Cidp24 is offline Tempus Fugit
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    Love it!! Reps to you and a portion shamelessly stolen to post as my status on Facebook.
    *************************
    "It wouldn't take much for me to up and run...
    to another life somewhere in the sun."
    *************************
    "There's something inherently wrong with having to put on a bullet-proof vest and a gun to go to work."-(An old friend)


    Any statements or opinions given in my postings or profile do not reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employer or anyone else other than me. They are my personal opinions or statements only, thereby releasing my employer , any other entity, or any other person of any liability or involvement in anything posted under the username "Cidp24" on O/R.

  4. #4
    Jenna's Avatar
    Jenna is offline sheep
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  5. #5
    KaiGywer's Avatar
    KaiGywer is offline *insert witty remark here*
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    Lol awesome
    Alpha Phi Sigma Alum - Alpha Delta Chapter
    ΑΦΣ

  6. #6
    NC Bullseye's Avatar
    NC Bullseye is offline Officer First Class
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cidp24 View Post
    Love it!! Reps to you and a portion shamelessly stolen to post as my status on Facebook.
    Stolen is such a harsh term, I prefer creative redistribution!

  7. #7
    Car 4's Avatar
    Car 4 is offline CID Chief
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    I love it!!!

    Reps

    Car 4
    I would like my country back. I used to believe that one man could never destroy this country. Not so sure anymore!

  8. #8
    Jenna's Avatar
    Jenna is offline sheep
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    Too bad cats and dogs can't read!

  9. #9
    NC Bullseye's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenna View Post
    Too bad cats and dogs can't read!
    You can thank the "No Dog Left Behind" program failure for that.

  10. #10
    dadyswat's Avatar
    dadyswat is offline Officer First Class
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenna View Post
    Too bad cats and dogs can't read!

    They can't?

  11. #11
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
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    Absolutely love it!
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  12. #12
    Jenna's Avatar
    Jenna is offline sheep
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    Quote Originally Posted by NC Bullseye View Post
    You can thank the "No Dog Left Behind" program failure for that.
    How does that explain the cats?

    Quote Originally Posted by dadyswat View Post
    They can't?

 

 

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