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Thread: Man Law

  1. #1
    depdog's Avatar
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    Man Law

    The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

    1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
    (c) After wrecking your boss's car.
    (d) When she is using her teeth.

    3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

    4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

    6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

    8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

    11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... And it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

    12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

    13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

    19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

    20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

    21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    B) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    C) Another set and we can hit the showers!

    22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (I.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

    24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

    25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

    26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

    27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

    28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

    29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

    "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with The guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, And having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

    "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"


    We hope this clears up any confusion,

    The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd
    If you have no capacity for violence then you are a healthy productive citizen, a sheep. If you have a capacity for violence and no empathy for your fellow citizens, then you have defined an aggressive sociopath, a wolf. But what if you have a capacity for violence, and a deep love for your fellow citizens? What do you have then? A sheepdog, a warrior, someone who is walking the hero's path. Someone who can walk into the heart of darkness, into the universal human phobia, and walk out unscathed." "The sheep generally do not like the sheepdog. He looks a lot like the wolf. He has fangs and the capacity for violence. The difference, though, is that the sheepdog must not, cannot and will not ever harm the sheep. Any sheepdog who intentionally harms the lowliest little lamb will be punished and removed. The world cannot work any other way, at least not in a representative democracy or a republic such as ours."
    -Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, U.S. Army (Ret.)

  2. #2
    pgg's Avatar
    pgg
    pgg is online now Damnit, I'm hungry again.
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    I need to print these out and give them to one of the guys at work, he didn't get the memo
    'Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a
    delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly
    promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
    holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
    possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!'

    A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity. Sigmund Freud

  3. #3
    Jenna's Avatar
    Jenna is offline sheep
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    Quote Originally Posted by depdog View Post
    27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
    World peace is too expensive, anyway.

  4. #4
    Car 4's Avatar
    Car 4 is offline CID Chief
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    I just e-mailed that to my entire address list!!!


    Carv 4
    I would like my country back. I used to believe that one man could never destroy this country. Not so sure anymore!

  5. #5
    MacLean's Avatar
    MacLean is online now O/R Gun mod
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    Reps!
    I'm your huckleberry...

    Quemadmoeum gladis nemeinum occidit, occidentus telum est!

    You can be the weapon, and the gun in your hand is a tool - or the gun is a weapon and you are the tool.


    I was looking for a saint who was a devil of a lover,
    but every girl I found was either one way or the other...



  6. #6
    Jks9199 is offline The Reason People Hate Cops & Causer of War
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    Quote Originally Posted by pgg View Post
    I need to print these out and give them to one of the guys at work, he didn't get the memo
    Is his cluelessness worse than VOLUNTARILY putting Hello Kitty crap on his work locker?
    Voting against incumbents until we get a Congress that does its job.

    TASER: almost as good as alcohol for teaching white boys to dance

    "Don't suffer from PTSD -- Go out and cause it!"
    -- Col. David Grossman, US Army, ret.

    All opinions expressed are my own and are not official statements of my employer.

  7. #7
    mavriktu's Avatar
    mavriktu is offline Patrol Sgt.
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    Quote Originally Posted by pgg View Post
    I need to print these out and give them to one of the guys at work, he didn't get the memo
    Just give him this instead

    ]

  8. #8
    pgg's Avatar
    pgg
    pgg is online now Damnit, I'm hungry again.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jks9199 View Post
    Is his cluelessness worse than VOLUNTARILY putting Hello Kitty crap on his work locker?
    He was raised by women. And they blessed him with "feelings"

    Quote Originally Posted by mavriktu View Post
    Just give him this instead

    haha, I've told him that before. When he asked for my help in building a bird aviary he visibly got scared when I started using my nail gun
    'Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a
    delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly
    promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
    holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
    possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!'

    A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity. Sigmund Freud

  9. #9
    IndianaFuzz's Avatar
    IndianaFuzz is offline Policeman Perry fan club
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    I've violated 7 of those laws, and 7 don't apply to me whatsoever.
    CHIRP! CHIRP!

  10. #10
    jcsdscott's Avatar
    jcsdscott is offline The short minister
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    That's hilarious!
    Romans 8:28-31

    "Anima Sana In Corpore Sano"

    The opinions, beliefs, and ideas expressed in this post are mine, and mine alone. They are NOT the opinions, beliefs, ideas, or policies of my Agency, Sheriff, County Board, or any member of my department.

  11. #11
    Jks9199 is offline The Reason People Hate Cops & Causer of War
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    Quote Originally Posted by pgg View Post
    He was raised by women. And they blessed him with "feelings"
    Does he know that a medicinal dose of alcohol will solve that nasty infection?
    Voting against incumbents until we get a Congress that does its job.

    TASER: almost as good as alcohol for teaching white boys to dance

    "Don't suffer from PTSD -- Go out and cause it!"
    -- Col. David Grossman, US Army, ret.

    All opinions expressed are my own and are not official statements of my employer.

 

 

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