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Thread: Taser, Taser, Taser
02-18-10, 06:28 PM #1
Taser, Taser, Taser
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife...
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest... The occasion
was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety......??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. Loaded two AAA batteries in
the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave...
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best .....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
HOLY MOTHER OF.. .. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . ... WHAT THE .....!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above
the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing
as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about
8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control
over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was
gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!If you have no capacity for violence then you are a healthy productive citizen, a sheep. If you have a capacity for violence and no empathy for your fellow citizens, then you have defined an aggressive sociopath, a wolf. But what if you have a capacity for violence, and a deep love for your fellow citizens? What do you have then? A sheepdog, a warrior, someone who is walking the hero's path. Someone who can walk into the heart of darkness, into the universal human phobia, and walk out unscathed." "The sheep generally do not like the sheepdog. He looks a lot like the wolf. He has fangs and the capacity for violence. The difference, though, is that the sheepdog must not, cannot and will not ever harm the sheep. Any sheepdog who intentionally harms the lowliest little lamb will be punished and removed. The world cannot work any other way, at least not in a representative democracy or a republic such as ours."
-Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, U.S. Army (Ret.)
02-18-10, 06:50 PM #2
A classic but still funny as hell'Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a
delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly
promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!'
“A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity.” Sigmund Freud
02-18-10, 08:32 PM #3
02-18-10, 09:07 PM #4
I posted this on here a couple years ago,and still find myself peeing when I read it,
In the truth is stranger than fiction category(sp),when I got my Taser,I came home to show Dapples,she was sitting at her computer desk,I removed the cartridge and gave it a zap,I swear by all that is holy,I DID NOT,realize she was wearing shorts,,and I especially DID NOT see baby cat in her lap,and therefore I REFUSE to pay for the plastic surgurey to her legs.
The above is 1000% true and what is even funnier (stranger) is that I posted the original about 6 months prior and changed it to be Dapples and Baby cat.
02-21-10, 11:13 PM #5
02-21-10, 11:26 PM #6
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