I am Crying From This

[Five-0]

I will take Pudge's "Just for Laughs" and raise you this:

E-mails from an Asshole


Below is a sample

Garage Sale Competition
Posted at: 2010-04-16 12:39:42 | 46 comments | Add Comment

Original ad:
Garage sale on Saturday April 17th from 10 am to 4 pm. Lots of clothes, furniture, electronics, and more. The address is 341 ********* Drive. Email me if you need directions.

Now before you think this woman doesn't deserve it, she spammed this ad everywhere, every day. I was sick of seeing it.
From Me to ***********@**********.org:

Hello,

I live a few blocks away from you and couldn't help but notice you are having a garage sale this Saturday. I am going to have to kindly ask you to change the date of your garage sale. I am having my annual world class garage sale on that day, and I do not want you to take away any of the customers that would be coming to my garage sale.

If you could hold your garage sale some time during May or June, that would be great.

Thanks,

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

I'm not changing the date. There is plenty of room for both of our garage sales.

From Me to Karen *******:

Karen,

There is not enough room for both of our garage sales. As I said earlier, my garage sale is a "world class" event. It draws in garage sale connoisseurs from all over the region. I have already booked a bartender and a string quartet for my sale on Saturday. My garage sale is a classy experience, and I do not want that experience to be ruined for customers who mistake your garage sale for mine. Now I'm not saying your garage sale isn't going to be nice, but I highly doubt you have a bartender and string quartet at your sale.

Please take down all of the ads in the neighborhood for your sale to avoid any confusion for my customers.

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

How rude of you to even make this request. I have the right to have a garage sale when ever I want to. What gives you the nerve to think you can tell me what to do?

From Me to Karen *******:

Karen,

You are correct, you do have the right to do whatever you want. I realize that I cannot change your mind about this.

I can, however, put up this ad all over the neighborhood. Let me know what you think of it:



Best,

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

What the hell is the matter with you? I swear if I see any of those ads in the neighborhood I will tear them down and report you. Do not speak to me again about this. You have been warned.

From Me to Karen *******:

Karen

I'm willing to cut you a deal and get you a spot on the guest list for my world class garage sale if you cancel yours.

Mike

From Karen ******* to Me:

Screw you and screw your world class garage sale, you world class prick.

[Jenna]

Too bad the dates are crossed out--I'd like to go and check out that world class garage sale!

[Second Chance]

Everybody wants to be like Mike...............baaaaaaaaaa aaa

[Five-0]

Glad you found this Jenna. I read this one and immediately thought of you.

Hybrids Suck
Posted at: 2009-06-23 09:18:12

Original ad:
if anyone wants a ride from baltimore to nyc tomorow let me know! i am driving up there sometime tomorow afternoon and would be glad to help someone out if they want to throw up some money for gas. i drive a hybrid, so i wont need much!
From Mike Partlow to *************@*********.org

Hello,

I do need a ride to New York tomorrow. That would be great. My only concern is the fact that you drive a hybrid car. I don't want to give people the idea that I care about the environment. Do you have another, more manly car that we could ride up in? I really don't want to be seen in a hybrid. I'll gladly compensate you for gas.

Mike

From christine ********* to Me

no all i have is my hybrid. what is the big deal, who cares what people think? u should be glad to help the enviroment!

From Mike Partlow to christine **********

I'm sorry Christine but it isn't the 60's anymore. People aren't a bunch of earth-saving hippies that run around and hug trees anymore. Does your car have tinted windows? I really don't want to be seen riding in that bitch-mobile. My only request is that you stop by a lake somewhere so I can dump a can of motor oil in it, to make up for all of the earth that your car will be saving. Don't worry, I'll pay for the motor oil.

Mike

From christine ********* to Me

wtf is wrong with u! im not giving u a ride ur a jerk!!!

From Mike Partlow to christine **********

Well I am sorry you won't have the privilege of riding with me. Fortunately for me, I found a better, more badass ride to NYC. I'll be sure to wave at your crappy little hybrid as we pass you in our F-350, spraying cans of aerosol out the window and throwing empty six-pack holders into the sea.

Mike

[Pudge]

LMAO, good find.


I'll see those, and raise you one shortly.

[Jenna]

Glad you found this Jenna. I read this one and immediately thought of you.

Makes me glad I don't have a car for some mean old environment-basher to insult!

Does your car have tinted windows? I really don't want to be seen riding in that bitch-mobile.

So has anyone here ever stopped someone for having tinted windows and gotten that as the excuse?

[Buttercup]

Hahahaha, those are great!

[Wolven]

Love it!

[TXCharlie]

Funny stuff!!!

Reminds me of a book i read years ago that had nothing but letters like that to very large companies' consumer affairs departments, investor relations, and to various CEO's and directors of the companies - They would all hook them into responding, then set the hook in the next few letters back & forth.

[Buttercup]

Funny stuff!!!

Reminds me of a book i read years ago that had nothing but letters like that to very large companies' consumer affairs departments, investor relations, and to various CEO's and directors of the companies - They would all hook them into responding, then set the hook in the next few letters back & forth.

That would probably be "Letters from a Nut," by Ted Nancy. Some of them were pretty good.

[Five-0]

Two words, "Handicapped Movers"

[pharmer]

Glad you found this Jenna. I read this one and immediately thought of you.

From Mike Partlow to christine **********

Well I am sorry you won't have the privilege of riding with me. Fortunately for me, I found a better, more badass ride to NYC. I'll be sure to wave at your crappy little hybrid as we pass you in our F-350, spraying cans of aerosol out the window and throwing empty six-pack holders into the sea.

Mike

YES SIR!!! lol

[Buttercup]

Two words, "Handicapped Movers"

That was a good one! "Special" Wife was really funny, too.

[MacLean]

Priceless!

[TXCharlie]

Lenny's Acid Trip

Kittens for my Tiger

Disguised Weapons LOL

[Xiphos]

Funny, funny, stuff. I'm screaming!

If you like this stuff, you gotta read David Thorne's stuff: Go Away

[Buttercup]

Funny, funny, stuff. I'm screaming!

If you like this stuff, you gotta read David Thorne's stuff: Go Away

"It's like twitter. Except we charge people to use it."