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  1. #1
    Five-0's Avatar
    Five-0 is offline Super Moderator
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    I am Crying From This

    I will take Pudge's "Just for Laughs" and raise you this:

    E-mails from an Asshole


    Below is a sample

    Garage Sale Competition
    Posted at: 2010-04-16 12:39:42 | 46 comments | Add Comment

    Original ad:
    Garage sale on Saturday April 17th from 10 am to 4 pm. Lots of clothes, furniture, electronics, and more. The address is 341 ********* Drive. Email me if you need directions.

    Now before you think this woman doesn't deserve it, she spammed this ad everywhere, every day. I was sick of seeing it.
    From Me to ***********@**********.org:

    Hello,

    I live a few blocks away from you and couldn't help but notice you are having a garage sale this Saturday. I am going to have to kindly ask you to change the date of your garage sale. I am having my annual world class garage sale on that day, and I do not want you to take away any of the customers that would be coming to my garage sale.

    If you could hold your garage sale some time during May or June, that would be great.

    Thanks,

    Mike

    From Karen ******** to Me:

    I'm not changing the date. There is plenty of room for both of our garage sales.

    From Me to Karen *******:

    Karen,

    There is not enough room for both of our garage sales. As I said earlier, my garage sale is a "world class" event. It draws in garage sale connoisseurs from all over the region. I have already booked a bartender and a string quartet for my sale on Saturday. My garage sale is a classy experience, and I do not want that experience to be ruined for customers who mistake your garage sale for mine. Now I'm not saying your garage sale isn't going to be nice, but I highly doubt you have a bartender and string quartet at your sale.

    Please take down all of the ads in the neighborhood for your sale to avoid any confusion for my customers.

    Mike

    From Karen ******** to Me:

    How rude of you to even make this request. I have the right to have a garage sale when ever I want to. What gives you the nerve to think you can tell me what to do?

    From Me to Karen *******:

    Karen,

    You are correct, you do have the right to do whatever you want. I realize that I cannot change your mind about this.

    I can, however, put up this ad all over the neighborhood. Let me know what you think of it:



    Best,

    Mike

    From Karen ******** to Me:

    What the hell is the matter with you? I swear if I see any of those ads in the neighborhood I will tear them down and report you. Do not speak to me again about this. You have been warned.

    From Me to Karen *******:

    Karen

    I'm willing to cut you a deal and get you a spot on the guest list for my world class garage sale if you cancel yours.

    Mike

    From Karen ******* to Me:

    Screw you and screw your world class garage sale, you world class prick.

    Meanwhile, fishing in Russia:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM
    "When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." -- Frederic Bastiat

    "Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else thereafter." Ernest Hemingway

    The opinions given in my signatures & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Five-0" on Officerresource.com

  2. #2
    Jenna's Avatar
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    Too bad the dates are crossed out--I'd like to go and check out that world class garage sale!

  3. #3
    Second Chance's Avatar
    Second Chance is offline Be the last one standing
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    Everybody wants to be like Mike...............baaaaaaaaaa aaa
    Swamp Mafia





    The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
    ~Edmond Burke

    Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and like it, never really care for anything else.
    ~Ernest Hemingway

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Follow me on twitter.........http://twitter.com/SecondChance122





    Disclaimer: The opinions given in my signatures DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS and I accept sole responsibility as such.

  4. #4
    Five-0's Avatar
    Five-0 is offline Super Moderator
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    Glad you found this Jenna. I read this one and immediately thought of you.

    Hybrids Suck
    Posted at: 2009-06-23 09:18:12

    Original ad:
    if anyone wants a ride from baltimore to nyc tomorow let me know! i am driving up there sometime tomorow afternoon and would be glad to help someone out if they want to throw up some money for gas. i drive a hybrid, so i wont need much!
    From Mike Partlow to *************@*********.org

    Hello,

    I do need a ride to New York tomorrow. That would be great. My only concern is the fact that you drive a hybrid car. I don't want to give people the idea that I care about the environment. Do you have another, more manly car that we could ride up in? I really don't want to be seen in a hybrid. I'll gladly compensate you for gas.

    Mike

    From christine ********* to Me

    no all i have is my hybrid. what is the big deal, who cares what people think? u should be glad to help the enviroment!

    From Mike Partlow to christine **********

    I'm sorry Christine but it isn't the 60's anymore. People aren't a bunch of earth-saving hippies that run around and hug trees anymore. Does your car have tinted windows? I really don't want to be seen riding in that bitch-mobile. My only request is that you stop by a lake somewhere so I can dump a can of motor oil in it, to make up for all of the earth that your car will be saving. Don't worry, I'll pay for the motor oil.

    Mike

    From christine ********* to Me

    wtf is wrong with u! im not giving u a ride ur a jerk!!!

    From Mike Partlow to christine **********

    Well I am sorry you won't have the privilege of riding with me. Fortunately for me, I found a better, more badass ride to NYC. I'll be sure to wave at your crappy little hybrid as we pass you in our F-350, spraying cans of aerosol out the window and throwing empty six-pack holders into the sea.

    Mike


    Meanwhile, fishing in Russia:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM
    "When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." -- Frederic Bastiat

    "Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else thereafter." Ernest Hemingway

    The opinions given in my signatures & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Five-0" on Officerresource.com

  5. #5
    Pudge's Avatar
    Pudge is online now Site Admin
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    LMAO, good find.


    I'll see those, and raise you one shortly.
    "Like" us on facebook! https://www.facebook.com/pages/Offic...93147194083228

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    The opinions given in my posts & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Pudge" on Officerresource.com

  6. #6
    Jenna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Five-0 View Post
    Glad you found this Jenna. I read this one and immediately thought of you.


    Makes me glad I don't have a car for some mean old environment-basher to insult!

    Quote Originally Posted by Five-0 View Post
    Does your car have tinted windows? I really don't want to be seen riding in that bitch-mobile.
    So has anyone here ever stopped someone for having tinted windows and gotten that as the excuse?

  7. #7
    Buttercup's Avatar
    Buttercup is online now Thrives in sunshine
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    Hahahaha, those are great!




  8. #8
    Wolven's Avatar
    Wolven is offline Major
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    Love it!

  9. #9
    TXCharlie's Avatar
    TXCharlie is offline Former & Future Reserve Officer
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    Funny stuff!!!

    Reminds me of a book i read years ago that had nothing but letters like that to very large companies' consumer affairs departments, investor relations, and to various CEO's and directors of the companies - They would all hook them into responding, then set the hook in the next few letters back & forth.

    (\__/)
    (='.'=) This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny into your
    (")_(") signature to help him gain world domination.

  10. #10
    Buttercup's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TXCharlie View Post
    Funny stuff!!!

    Reminds me of a book i read years ago that had nothing but letters like that to very large companies' consumer affairs departments, investor relations, and to various CEO's and directors of the companies - They would all hook them into responding, then set the hook in the next few letters back & forth.
    That would probably be "Letters from a Nut," by Ted Nancy. Some of them were pretty good.




  11. #11
    Five-0's Avatar
    Five-0 is offline Super Moderator
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    Two words, "Handicapped Movers"

    Meanwhile, fishing in Russia:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM
    "When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." -- Frederic Bastiat

    "Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else thereafter." Ernest Hemingway

    The opinions given in my signatures & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Five-0" on Officerresource.com

  12. #12
    pharmer's Avatar
    pharmer is offline Legal Dealer
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    Quote Originally Posted by Five-0 View Post
    Glad you found this Jenna. I read this one and immediately thought of you.

    From Mike Partlow to christine **********

    Well I am sorry you won't have the privilege of riding with me. Fortunately for me, I found a better, more badass ride to NYC. I'll be sure to wave at your crappy little hybrid as we pass you in our F-350, spraying cans of aerosol out the window and throwing empty six-pack holders into the sea.

    Mike




    YES SIR!!! lol

  13. #13
    Buttercup's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Five-0 View Post
    Two words, "Handicapped Movers"
    That was a good one! "Special" Wife was really funny, too.




  14. #14
    MacLean's Avatar
    MacLean is offline O/R Gun mod
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    Priceless!
    I'm your huckleberry...

    Quemadmoeum gladis nemeinum occidit, occidentus telum est!

    You can be the weapon, and the gun in your hand is a tool - or the gun is a weapon and you are the tool.


    I was looking for a saint who was a devil of a lover,
    but every girl I found was either one way or the other...



  15. #15
    TXCharlie's Avatar
    TXCharlie is offline Former & Future Reserve Officer
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    (\__/)
    (='.'=) This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny into your
    (")_(") signature to help him gain world domination.

  16. #16
    Xiphos's Avatar
    Xiphos is online now I Void Warranties
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    Funny, funny, stuff. I'm screaming!

    If you like this stuff, you gotta read David Thorne's stuff: Go Away
    Pleasing nobody, one person at a time.

    That which does not kill me, better start fucking running.

    If I lived every day like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.

    I intend to go in harm's way. -John Paul Jones

    Hunt the wolf, and bring light to the dark places that others fear to go. LT COL Dave Grossman

  17. #17
    Buttercup's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xiphos View Post
    Funny, funny, stuff. I'm screaming!

    If you like this stuff, you gotta read David Thorne's stuff: Go Away



    "It's like twitter. Except we charge people to use it."




 

 

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