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Thread: Lawyers.......

  1. #1
    Tango Zulu 22's Avatar
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    Lawyers.......

    Apologies if this is a repost but it made me smile....

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now publishedby court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


    ______________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ______________________________ _____________
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ______________________________ ______
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
    ______________________________ _____________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shi.ting me?
    ______________________________ ___________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    ______________________________ _______
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    ______________________________ ___________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________ ___________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________ ________
    And the best for last:
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

    And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our
    government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up
    A common mistake made when trying to come up with a totally foolproof design is to completely underestimate the innate ingenuity of fools.


    The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it's still there on my list of options, so are you coming quietly.........?

  2. #2
    Motorwaycop's Avatar
    Motorwaycop is offline Retired Plod
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    Those attorneys could get a top job with the CPS!





    NB. CPS, Crown Prosecution Service, is the UK prosecuting dept'
    the sole advantage of power is that you can do more good.
    ( Baltasar Gracian )

  3. #3
    Jenna's Avatar
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    Although I can think of some Twilight Zone scenarios in which those questions would be appropriate....

 

 

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