1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto. The
blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your
veins. Remember to use a
timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm
clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you
hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules
of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the
bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get
another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.