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Thread: Rules to live by
12-20-11, 04:20 PM #1
Rules to live by
"A strong man stands up for himself. A stronger man stands up for others."
The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented
on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you
expecting trouble?" "No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have
brought my rifle."
(just stole this one hope you don't mind)
12-20-11, 04:54 PM #2Cuffing & Stuffing for 12 years now...Supporting Member Lvl 2
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I love it......
12-20-11, 04:59 PM #3Cuffing & Stuffing for 12 years now...Supporting Member Lvl 2
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Speaking about "rules", I have a few of my own.
10 RULES FOR DATING
A POLICEMAN’S DAUGHTER
Rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk your horn, you’d better be delivering a
package because you’re sure not picking up my daughter.
Rule two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long
as you don’t peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes
or hands off my daughter’s body I’ll remove them.
Rule three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I promise to compromise: You may come to the door with your under-
wear showing and your pants ten sizes to big; and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure your clothes do not, in fact come off during the
Course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and
Fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a
“barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes
To sex I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when
you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word
I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule six: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
Date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.
Rule seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie , you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on
her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful
like changing the oil in my car?
Rule eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight, Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands,
or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or asexual theme are to be avoided; movies
which feature chain saws are ok. Hockey games are ok. Old folks homes are
Rule nine: Do not lie to me. I appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-
witted has-been. But on issues related to dating my daughter, I am the all-
knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask where you are going and
with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth. I have a .40 cal. Glock, a shovel, and five acres behind
the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of
your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear
voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return
to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face
at the window is mine.
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