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  1. #1
    JLK's Avatar
    JLK is offline Protecting Those That Can't Protect Themselves
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    Rules to live by

    "A strong man stands up for himself. A stronger man stands up for others."

    The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented
    on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you
    expecting trouble?" "No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have
    brought my rifle."
    (just stole this one hope you don't mind)

    The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they are ignorant,
    it is just that they know so much that isn't so.
    President Ronald Reagan

  2. #2
    warrants 1 is offline Cuffing & Stuffing for 12 years now...
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    Myrtle beach, SC
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    I love it......

  3. #3
    warrants 1 is offline Cuffing & Stuffing for 12 years now...
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    Speaking about "rules", I have a few of my own.


    Rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk your horn, you’d better be delivering a
    package because you’re sure not picking up my daughter.

    Rule two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long
    as you don’t peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes
    or hands off my daughter’s body I’ll remove them.

    Rule three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
    their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
    Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are
    complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
    so I promise to compromise: You may come to the door with your under-
    wear showing and your pants ten sizes to big; and I will not object.
    However, in order to ensure your clothes do not, in fact come off during the
    Course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and
    Fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a
    “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes
    To sex I am the barrier and I will kill you.

    Rule five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
    should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
    do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when
    you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word
    I need from you on this subject is “early.”

    Rule six: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
    Date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter.
    Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
    to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
    will make you cry.

    Rule seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
    more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
    time for the movie , you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on
    her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
    Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful
    like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
    Places where beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
    where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight, Places
    where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands,
    or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
    induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
    other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat.
    Movies with a strong romantic or asexual theme are to be avoided; movies
    which feature chain saws are ok. Hockey games are ok. Old folks homes are

    Rule nine: Do not lie to me. I appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-
    witted has-been. But on issues related to dating my daughter, I am the all-
    knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask where you are going and
    with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and
    nothing but the truth. I have a .40 cal. Glock, a shovel, and five acres behind
    the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of
    your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
    Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
    frequently tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
    home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with
    both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear
    voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return
    to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face
    at the window is mine.



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