Tools Explained


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light .
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for
igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want
to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to
launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to
the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by
most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces
that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the
inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans
and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the
name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents
of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!)
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.