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  1. #1
    Magnum440 is offline Older Than Dirt
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    Let's See Who Has a Sense of Humor

    One for the ladies
    One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

    "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

    He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."


    And they say blondes are dumb...

    A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

    "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

    "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

    He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

    Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
    A: A rumor

    A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.


    Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

    The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

    A PRAYER....
    Dear Lord,

    I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

    Love to forgive him;

    And Patience for his moods.

    Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

    I'll beat him to death.

    AMEN


    Q: Why do little boys whine?

    A: They are practicing to be men.

    Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

    A: Trustworthy.

    Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

    A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

    Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
    A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

    Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

    A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

    Q: What is the difference between men and women?

    A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

    Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

    A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

    Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!
    Facta non verba
    "The good Lord set definite limits on man's wisdom, but set no limits on his stupidity and that's not fair!" Konrad Adenauer,

  2. #2
    pbrown118 is offline Officer 1st Class
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    lol thats f*cked up... yet funny

  3. #3
    mainedawg's Avatar
    mainedawg is offline da dawg
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    Yup, you get four paws up for this one. Great jokes.

  4. #4
    Roses's Avatar
    Roses is offline Member
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    That's the best I heard today!

    All were funny!
    http://img455.imageshack.us/img455/1369/rosekdrosetransp9fk2eb.gif

    A Smile

    A smile cost nothing, but gives so much.

    It enriches those who receive it,
    without making poorer those who give.
    It takes but a moment, but the memory
    of it sometimes lasts forever.

    None is so rich or mighty that he
    can get along without it,
    and none is so poor but that
    he can be made rich by it.

    A smile creates happiness in the home,
    fosters goodwill in business,
    and is the countersign of friendship.

    It brings rest to the weary,
    cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad,
    and it is nature's best antidote for trouble.

    Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed,
    or stolen, for it is something that is of no
    value to anyone until it is given away.

    Some people are too tired to give you a smile.
    Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile
    so much as he who has no more to give.

    - author unknown

  5. #5
    kdm0409's Avatar
    kdm0409 is offline ^ Female Deputy
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    Those were funny.
    It is better to be tried by 12, than carried by 6.
    ______________________________ __________
    An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break.
    ______________________________ __________
    In vino veritas!

  6. #6
    Piggybank Cop's Avatar
    Piggybank Cop is offline Nobody important.
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    Why did God give women husbands?





    Training for two year olds.


    We are the thin blue line
    between you
    and all the money in the world.

    And no you can't have any.

  7. #7
    Pedro56's Avatar
    Pedro56 is offline Englewood Ranger/Infidel Extraordinaire
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    Nice, had me rollin there. At least I'll have some new material when I go into work in 5 minutes.
    http://www.lawenforcementforums.com/forums/signaturepics/sigpic763_2.gif

    "I am the guy that keeps Mister Dead in his pocket." -'Mad' Max Rockatansky

    "An Englewood Ranger is no stranger to Danger.." -Unk

    Good Night Chesty Where Ever You Are.

    A Good Friend will bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying, "That was Awesome."

    God Made Police Men so Fireman Would Have Heroes.

 

 

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