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Thread: puns

  1. #1
    JLK's Avatar
    JLK
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    puns

    1.
    The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
    He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2.
    I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
    but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

    3.
    She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

    4.
    A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because
    it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5.
    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    6.
    A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    7.
    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
    Blownapart.

    8.
    Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    9.
    A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
    The police are looking into it.

    10.
    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11.
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12.
    Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
    the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

    13.
    I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    14.
    A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
    'Keep off the Grass.'

    15.
    The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
    medium at large.

    16.
    The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
    seasoned veteran.

    17.
    A backward poet writes inverse.

    18.
    In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
    In feudalism it's your count that votes.

    19.
    When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    20.
    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

    21.
    A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The
    stewardess looks at him and says,
    'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

    22.
    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
    says, 'Dam!'

    23.
    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
    the craft.
    Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
    kayak and heat it too.

    24.
    Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
    The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm
    positive.'

    25.
    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
    root-canal?
    His goal: transcend dental medication.

    26.
    There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
    that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.



    "A strong man stands up for himself. A stronger man stands up for others."
    Ben

    The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented
    on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you
    expecting trouble?" "No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have
    brought my rifle."
    (just stole this one hope you don't mind)


    The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they are ignorant,
    it is just that they know so much that isn't so.
    President Ronald Reagan



  2. #2
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    SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM

    "It's a great life. You risk your skin catching killers and the juries turn them loose so they can come back and shoot at you again. If your honest , your poor your whole life. And , In the end , you wind up dying all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothing. For a tin star."
    -Ex-Sheriff Martin Howe to Will Kane in "High Noon"

    Far from being a handicap to command, compassion is the measure of it. For unless one values the lives of his soldiers and is tormented by their ordeals , he is unfit to command.
    -General Omar Bradley, United States Army

    Renniger-Richards-Griswold-Owens

  3. #3
    keith720's Avatar
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    Two cannibals were eating a missionary that was pretty small. One started at the the head, the other started at the feet. After a minute, the cannibal by the feet said, "Man, I'm having a ball!" "Slow down!" yelled the other one, "You're eating too fast!"
    For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.

    Winston Churchill

 

 

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