Sheriff's Joke Of The Day

[Sheriff]

Starting today, at least one joke a day.

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One day a father and his five year old son went to the bank to cash a check. There was a few people in front of them waiting for the bank teller. The lady in front of them was a rather large well dressed business lady.

The kid could not help but notice her size. "Dad look at her! She's so huge!!!"

The father replied, "Be quiet! You must be polite and don't hurt people's feelings."

The kid persisted, "But dad she must weigh as much as a truck!"

The father, rather embarrassed, said, "Stop it or I'll take you outside!!!"

Just about then the ladies pager goes off ... "beep... beep... beep..."

The kid screams "Dad look out!!! She's backing up!!!"

[jmur5074]

Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the god-damndest things....

[Sheriff]

In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities where
they live is noisier now than they were five years ago.

The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.

[Crimebytes2]

Sheriff ~

Children used to ask where they came from. Now they tell you where to go.

[Sheriff]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

[MonsterMash]

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

[Roses]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

ROFL! Thanks for the laugh!

[Crimebytes2]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

Since I wasn't paying too much attention to the particular forum I was reading, you almost had me convinced! I'm thinking, "Where the was I when this happened?" Good one, Sheriff!

[Sheriff]

GOVERNMENT JOB CREATION

Once upon a time the government had
a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from
it at night." So they created a night watchman
position and hired a person at $18,000.00
a year for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the
watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and
hired two people, one person to write the
instructions for $22, 000.00, and one person
to do time studies for an additional
$22,000.00 per year.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the
night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department
and hired two people. One to do the studies
for $31,000.00 and one to write the reports
for an additional $31,000.00 per year.

Then Congress said, "How are these people
going to get paid?" So they created the following
positions, a time keeper for $35,000.00 annual
salary, and a payroll officer for an additional
$35,000.00, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable
for all of these people?" So they created an
administrative section and hired three people,
an Administrative Officer at $155, 000.00 per
year, Assistant Administrative Officer
$125,000.00, and a Legal Secretary for an
additional $100,000.00 per year.

Then Congress said, "We have had this
operating for one year with a budget cost of
$574, 000.00 and we are approximately $18,000
over budget. We must cutback overall costs until
we can get a tax increase to balance our budget."

So they laid off the night watchman.......

[RdrB67]

Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the god-damndest things....

I was getting ready for work one day and my daughter (about 4-5 at the time) was checking out my belt. She was studying each item and reached out and touched my 'cuff pouch. She said, "You sure have a lot of stuff, Daddy."

"Yeah, I guess so," I said.

"Just like Batman." [She'd been watching some old Adam West Batman shows]

I chuckled and said, "Yeah, I guess my belt's kinda like Batman's."

"Yup! You're like Batman, Daddy! ... ... 'Cept Batman puts his skivies on after he puts on his pants."

[Sheriff]

CUP HOLDER

[Radar]

[Sheriff]

It's isn't a pretty cup holder. But it serves it's purpose I suppose.

[Sheriff]

TYSON CHICKEN ACCOUNT

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit
the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing
he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a
deal for you. If you change The Lord's
Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....
' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' then
we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible.
The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must
not be changed."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared
to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change
the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our
daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily
chicken...."

Again the Pope replies "That is impossible.
The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it
must not be changed".

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last
offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church
if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day
our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College
of Cardinals to say that he has good news
and some bad news.

"The good news is that the Church has come
into $5 billion."

"The bad news is that we are losing The
Wonder bread account!"

[Sheriff]

A new business was opening and one
of the owner's friends wanted to send
him flowers for the occasion. They arrived
at the new business site and the owner
read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist
to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious
mistake and how angry he was, the florist
replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake,
but rather than getting so angry, you should
realize it could have been worse! somewhere,
there is a funeral taking place today, and they
have flowers with a note saying,...
'Congratulations on your new location!'"

[Sheriff]

A blonde was driving home one night and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some
fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, "HELLLLO! ANYBODY HOME!
You need to roll up the windows! Geeezz!"

[Sheriff]

MORAL OF THE STORY...

The teacher gave her fifth year class an assignment:

Get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.

" What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers
too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one
time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral
to this story, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Sarah."

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, miss, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen
was a flight engineer in Operation Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

[Roses]

[Sheriff]

TATER PEOPLE

Some people never seem motivated
to participate, but are just content to
watch while others do the work.
They are called "Spec Taters".

Some people never do anything to
help, but are gifted at finding fault
with the way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".

Some people are very bossy and
like to tell others what to do, but
don?t want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters".

Some people are always looking to
cause problems by asking others to
agree with them. It is too hot or too
cold, too sour or too sweet. They
are called "Agie Taters".

There are those who say they will
help, but somehow just never get
around to actually doing the
promised help. They are called
"Hezzie Taters".

Some people can put up a front and
pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called "Emma Taters".

Then there are those who love
others and do what they say they
will. They are always prepared to
stop whatever they are doing and
lend a helping hand. They bring real
sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Taters".

[Sapper_132]

Good Stuff