Welcome to the APBWeb.
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 38
  1. #1
    Sheriff's Avatar
    Sheriff is offline Banned
    Join Date
    04-18-06
    Posts
    474
    Rep Power
    0

    Sheriff's Joke Of The Day

    Starting today, at least one joke a day.

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    One day a father and his five year old son went to the bank to cash a check. There was a few people in front of them waiting for the bank teller. The lady in front of them was a rather large well dressed business lady.

    The kid could not help but notice her size. "Dad look at her! She's so huge!!!"

    The father replied, "Be quiet! You must be polite and don't hurt people's feelings."

    The kid persisted, "But dad she must weigh as much as a truck!"

    The father, rather embarrassed, said, "Stop it or I'll take you outside!!!"

    Just about then the ladies pager goes off ... "beep... beep... beep..."

    The kid screams "Dad look out!!! She's backing up!!!"

  2. #2
    jmur5074's Avatar
    jmur5074 is offline Moderator
    Premium Lifetime Member
    Verified LEO
    Site Moderator
    Join Date
    12-04-05
    Location
    Minnesota
    Posts
    9,051
    Rep Power
    6232623
    Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the god-damndest things....
    No one has greater love than this, to lay down ones life for ones friends - John 15:13

    "The Wicked Flee When No Man Pursueth: But The Righteous Are Bold As A Lion".

    We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
    The opinions, beliefs, and ideas expressed in this post are mine, and mine alone. They are NOT the opinions, beliefs, ideas, or policies of my Agency, Police Chief, City Council, or any member of my department.

  3. #3
    Sheriff's Avatar
    Sheriff is offline Banned
    Join Date
    04-18-06
    Posts
    474
    Rep Power
    0
    In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities where
    they live is noisier now than they were five years ago.

    The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.

  4. #4
    Crimebytes2's Avatar
    Crimebytes2 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    04-14-06
    Location
    Council Bluffs, Iowa
    Posts
    2,005
    Rep Power
    0
    Sheriff ~

    Children used to ask where they came from. Now they tell you where to go.

  5. #5
    Sheriff's Avatar
    Sheriff is offline Banned
    Join Date
    04-18-06
    Posts
    474
    Rep Power
    0
    A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

    Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

  6. #6
    MonsterMash's Avatar
    MonsterMash is offline Proud 3%er
    Join Date
    05-04-06
    Posts
    1,040
    Rep Power
    3454276
    Quote Originally Posted by Sheriff
    The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
    Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
    Are you a 3%er? If you aren't, you should be.

  7. #7
    Roses's Avatar
    Roses is offline Member
    Join Date
    02-19-06
    Posts
    1,361
    Rep Power
    513352
    Quote Originally Posted by Sheriff
    A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

    Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
    ROFL! Thanks for the laugh!
    http://img455.imageshack.us/img455/1369/rosekdrosetransp9fk2eb.gif

    A Smile

    A smile cost nothing, but gives so much.

    It enriches those who receive it,
    without making poorer those who give.
    It takes but a moment, but the memory
    of it sometimes lasts forever.

    None is so rich or mighty that he
    can get along without it,
    and none is so poor but that
    he can be made rich by it.

    A smile creates happiness in the home,
    fosters goodwill in business,
    and is the countersign of friendship.

    It brings rest to the weary,
    cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad,
    and it is nature's best antidote for trouble.

    Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed,
    or stolen, for it is something that is of no
    value to anyone until it is given away.

    Some people are too tired to give you a smile.
    Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile
    so much as he who has no more to give.

    - author unknown

  8. #8
    Crimebytes2's Avatar
    Crimebytes2 is offline Banned
    Join Date
    04-14-06
    Location
    Council Bluffs, Iowa
    Posts
    2,005
    Rep Power
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by Sheriff
    A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

    Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
    Since I wasn't paying too much attention to the particular forum I was reading, you almost had me convinced! I'm thinking, "Where the was I when this happened?" Good one, Sheriff!

  9. #9
    Sheriff's Avatar
    Sheriff is offline Banned
    Join Date
    04-18-06
    Posts
    474
    Rep Power
    0
    GOVERNMENT JOB CREATION

    Once upon a time the government had
    a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
    Congress said, "Someone may steal from
    it at night." So they created a night watchman
    position and hired a person at $18,000.00
    a year for the job.

    Then Congress said, "How does the
    watchman do his job without instruction?"
    So they created a planning department and
    hired two people, one person to write the
    instructions for $22, 000.00, and one person
    to do time studies for an additional
    $22,000.00 per year.

    Then Congress said, "How will we know the
    night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
    So they created a Quality Control department
    and hired two people. One to do the studies
    for $31,000.00 and one to write the reports
    for an additional $31,000.00 per year.

    Then Congress said, "How are these people
    going to get paid?" So they created the following
    positions, a time keeper for $35,000.00 annual
    salary, and a payroll officer for an additional
    $35,000.00, then hired two people.

    Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable
    for all of these people?" So they created an
    administrative section and hired three people,
    an Administrative Officer at $155, 000.00 per
    year, Assistant Administrative Officer
    $125,000.00, and a Legal Secretary for an
    additional $100,000.00 per year.

    Then Congress said, "We have had this
    operating for one year with a budget cost of
    $574, 000.00 and we are approximately $18,000
    over budget. We must cutback overall costs until
    we can get a tax increase to balance our budget."

    So they laid off the night watchman.......

  10. #10
    RdrB67's Avatar
    RdrB67 is offline Officer First Class
    Join Date
    05-10-06
    Posts
    109
    Rep Power
    1810987
    Quote Originally Posted by jmur5074
    Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the god-damndest things....
    I was getting ready for work one day and my daughter (about 4-5 at the time) was checking out my belt. She was studying each item and reached out and touched my 'cuff pouch. She said, "You sure have a lot of stuff, Daddy."

    "Yeah, I guess so," I said.

    "Just like Batman." [She'd been watching some old Adam West Batman shows]

    I chuckled and said, "Yeah, I guess my belt's kinda like Batman's."

    "Yup! You're like Batman, Daddy! ... ... 'Cept Batman puts his skivies on after he puts on his pants."
    "Nothing says guilty like a high-priced lawyer."
    - Tom Griswold



  11. #11
    Sheriff's Avatar
    Sheriff is offline Banned
    Join Date
    04-18-06
    Posts
    474
    Rep Power
    0
    CUP HOLDER


  12. #12
    Radar's Avatar
    Radar is offline We all bleed blue
    Supporting Member Lvl 3
    Verified LEO
    Join Date
    05-18-06
    Location
    Tennessee
    Posts
    877
    Rep Power
    1234963
    Here Speeder, Speeder, Speeder


    "Oderint dum metuant" - Caligula

    "How come you only call me when someone's dead?"

  13. #13
    Sheriff's Avatar
    Sheriff is offline Banned
    Join Date
    04-18-06
    Posts
    474
    Rep Power
    0
    It's isn't a pretty cup holder. But it serves it's purpose I suppose.

  14. #14
    Sheriff's Avatar
    Sheriff is offline Banned
    Join Date
    04-18-06
    Posts
    474
    Rep Power
    0
    TYSON CHICKEN ACCOUNT

    A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit
    the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing
    he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a
    deal for you. If you change The Lord's
    Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....
    ' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' then
    we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".

    The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible.
    The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must
    not be changed."

    "Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared
    to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change
    the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our
    daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily
    chicken...."

    Again the Pope replies "That is impossible.
    The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it
    must not be changed".

    Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last
    offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church
    if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
    this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day
    our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

    The next day the Pope meets with the College
    of Cardinals to say that he has good news
    and some bad news.

    "The good news is that the Church has come
    into $5 billion."

    "The bad news is that we are losing The
    Wonder bread account!"

  15. #15
    Sheriff's Avatar
    Sheriff is offline Banned
    Join Date
    04-18-06
    Posts
    474
    Rep Power
    0
    A new business was opening and one
    of the owner's friends wanted to send
    him flowers for the occasion. They arrived
    at the new business site and the owner
    read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

    The owner was angry and called the florist
    to complain.

    After he had told the florist of the obvious
    mistake and how angry he was, the florist
    replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake,
    but rather than getting so angry, you should
    realize it could have been worse! somewhere,
    there is a funeral taking place today, and they
    have flowers with a note saying,...
    'Congratulations on your new location!'"

  16. #16
    Sheriff's Avatar
    Sheriff is offline Banned
    Join Date
    04-18-06
    Posts
    474
    Rep Power
    0
    A blonde was driving home one night and got caught in a really bad
    hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
    to a repair shop.

    The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some
    fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,
    and all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
    blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little
    harder, and still nothing happened.

    Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?

    The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
    into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

    Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, "HELLLLO! ANYBODY HOME!
    You need to roll up the windows! Geeezz!"

  17. #17
    Sheriff's Avatar
    Sheriff is offline Banned
    Join Date
    04-18-06
    Posts
    474
    Rep Power
    0
    MORAL OF THE STORY...

    The teacher gave her fifth year class an assignment:

    Get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
    stories.

    Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
    hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
    front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
    eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.

    " What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers
    too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one
    time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral
    to this story, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

    "That was a fine story, Sarah."

    "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, miss, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen
    was a flight engineer in Operation Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
    She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
    whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

    She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she
    landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

    She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
    bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade
    broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
    daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

    "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

  18. #18
    Roses's Avatar
    Roses is offline Member
    Join Date
    02-19-06
    Posts
    1,361
    Rep Power
    513352
    http://img455.imageshack.us/img455/1369/rosekdrosetransp9fk2eb.gif

    A Smile

    A smile cost nothing, but gives so much.

    It enriches those who receive it,
    without making poorer those who give.
    It takes but a moment, but the memory
    of it sometimes lasts forever.

    None is so rich or mighty that he
    can get along without it,
    and none is so poor but that
    he can be made rich by it.

    A smile creates happiness in the home,
    fosters goodwill in business,
    and is the countersign of friendship.

    It brings rest to the weary,
    cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad,
    and it is nature's best antidote for trouble.

    Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed,
    or stolen, for it is something that is of no
    value to anyone until it is given away.

    Some people are too tired to give you a smile.
    Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile
    so much as he who has no more to give.

    - author unknown

  19. #19
    Sheriff's Avatar
    Sheriff is offline Banned
    Join Date
    04-18-06
    Posts
    474
    Rep Power
    0
    TATER PEOPLE

    Some people never seem motivated
    to participate, but are just content to
    watch while others do the work.
    They are called "Spec Taters".

    Some people never do anything to
    help, but are gifted at finding fault
    with the way others do the work.
    They are called "Comment Taters".

    Some people are very bossy and
    like to tell others what to do, but
    don?t want to soil their own hands.
    They are called "Dick Taters".

    Some people are always looking to
    cause problems by asking others to
    agree with them. It is too hot or too
    cold, too sour or too sweet. They
    are called "Agie Taters".

    There are those who say they will
    help, but somehow just never get
    around to actually doing the
    promised help. They are called
    "Hezzie Taters".

    Some people can put up a front and
    pretend to be someone they are not.
    They are called "Emma Taters".

    Then there are those who love
    others and do what they say they
    will. They are always prepared to
    stop whatever they are doing and
    lend a helping hand. They bring real
    sunshine into the lives of others.
    They are called "Sweet Taters".

  20. #20
    Sapper_132's Avatar
    Sapper_132 is offline Master Turd Cutter
    Premium Lifetime Member
    Verified LEO
    Join Date
    05-10-06
    Location
    Oklahoma
    Posts
    1,314
    Rep Power
    7084543
    Good Stuff
    Just because your sign off after you're shift is done, doesn't mean that it's over and put blinders on. You're a cop 24/7 wether you like it or not. If thats something you can't handle, you should find a new line of work!

 

 
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 20
    Last Post: 08-19-07, 05:19 PM
  2. Dallas County Sheriff's outside hire plan stalled
    By TXCharlie in forum In the News
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 06-25-07, 02:41 PM
  3. Sheriff's Deputy attacked at Disney World
    By Buttercup in forum In the News
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: 05-26-07, 08:52 AM
  4. Replies: 12
    Last Post: 01-03-07, 06:37 PM
  5. Deputy Loren Lilly - Cobb County (GA) Sheriff's Office
    By Jackalope in forum Officer Down
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 01-02-07, 11:15 AM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •