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Thread: Monkey

  1. #1
    Ivory's Avatar
    Ivory is offline Grrr I hate not working for a jail.....
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    Dancing Monkeys are Awesome

    The Helpful Wife

    A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
    Man: What's the problem officer?
    Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
    Man: No sir, I was going 65.
    Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
    (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
    Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
    Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
    Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
    (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
    Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
    Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
    Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
    Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
    Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
    Wife: No, only when he's drunk.


    One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
    Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
    The results showed a reading of 0.0.
    The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

    What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
    A small medium at large.

    In Hot Pursuit

    Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
    "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
    The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
    "Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
    The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup ..."

    How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs???
    None. He fell
    Last edited by Ivory; 05-27-06 at 07:56 AM.

  2. #2
    Ivory's Avatar
    Ivory is offline Grrr I hate not working for a jail.....
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    Twin Falls, ID
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    "Your arrest. You catch 'em, you clean 'em."

    "God made tomorrow for the crooks we don't catch today."

    Monkey Trouble

    A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
    As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
    The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
    "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
    Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
    "Well, did you see this?"
    "Yes," motioned the monkey.
    "What happened?"
    The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
    "They were drinking?" asked the officer.
    "What else?"
    The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
    "They were smoking marijuana?"
    "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking and smoking before they wrecked."
    "What were you doing during all this?"
    "Driving" motioned the monkey.

  3. #3
    FishTail Guest
    Moved to jokes.

  4. #4
    MisterK's Avatar
    MisterK is offline Monkey Man
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    Hmmm.. that avatar seem so familiar DJ. Where could I have seen it before?
    Last edited by MisterK; 05-27-06 at 11:57 AM.
    Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft. -
    Theodore Roosevelt


    People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.



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