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  1. #1
    Lo523's Avatar
    Lo523 is offline Master Officer
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    How to Shower like a Man/Woman

    An old one but never fails to make me laugh!

    How to shower like a man
    1) Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
    2) Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo woo" sound.
    3) Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your privates.
    4) Get in the shower.
    5) Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
    6) Wash your face.
    7) Wash your armpits.
    8) Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
    9) Wash your privates and surrounding area.
    10) Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
    11) Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
    12) Make a shampoo Mohawk.
    13) Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
    14) Pee.
    15) Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
    16) Partially dry off.
    17) Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
    18) Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
    19) Leave bathroom fan and light on.
    20) Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
    21) Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. Think about the old days and mutter just audibly "Why isn't my favourite shirt ironed?".


    How to shower like a woman...
    1) Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
    2) Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
    3) Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
    4) Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
    5) Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
    6) Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
    7) Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
    8) Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
    9) Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
    10) Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
    11) Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
    12) Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
    13) Turn off shower.
    14) Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
    15) Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
    16) Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails tweezers if found.
    17) Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
    18) If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.



  2. #2
    Roses's Avatar
    Roses is offline Member
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    A good chuckle!
    http://img455.imageshack.us/img455/1369/rosekdrosetransp9fk2eb.gif

    A Smile

    A smile cost nothing, but gives so much.

    It enriches those who receive it,
    without making poorer those who give.
    It takes but a moment, but the memory
    of it sometimes lasts forever.

    None is so rich or mighty that he
    can get along without it,
    and none is so poor but that
    he can be made rich by it.

    A smile creates happiness in the home,
    fosters goodwill in business,
    and is the countersign of friendship.

    It brings rest to the weary,
    cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad,
    and it is nature's best antidote for trouble.

    Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed,
    or stolen, for it is something that is of no
    value to anyone until it is given away.

    Some people are too tired to give you a smile.
    Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile
    so much as he who has no more to give.

    - author unknown

  3. #3
    ida40dj's Avatar
    ida40dj is offline Officer First Class
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    hey have you been spying at my house!
    Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things!

  4. #4
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
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    Morning routine!

    1. Fall out of bed
    2. Slog to the shower
    3. Blast the hot water till it actually runs hot, then add cold until it's just under scalding.
    4. Get in and stand there for a moment, not caring that the water isn't the *perfect* temp
    5. Blindly fumble for shampoo, get conditioner instead
    6. Look at handful of conditioner and scrape it back into bottle.
    7. Get shampoo.
    8. Lather, getting shampoo into eyes.
    9. Bitch, whine & moan about it stinging
    10. Rinse
    11. Find bar of soap. Drop it a few times for good measure.
    12. Lather everything but the bottom of your feet.
    13. Rinse
    14. Lather bottom of feet
    15. Almost fall down, but save yourself by grabbing everything you can on the way down, knocking everything off of the little shelves into the bottom of the shower with you.
    16. Rinse feet in water that has built up around the drain from the fact that you have a slow clog in the pipe that you never remember to clear out.
    17. Whip open shower curtain, scaring child / pet / spouse that ran in to see if you'd killed yourself when everything fell to the floor.
    18. Tell them that the bathroom is NOT Grand Central Station, so they should get out.
    19. Grab for towel
    20. Realize you forgot to bring towel in with you from the hall closet.
    21. Call for spouse to bring you towel.
    22. Drip dry for two minutes.
    23. Realize you're on your own, so squelch to get a towel, leaving wet footprints everywhere.
    24. Surprise guest that has stopped by unexpectedly.
    25. Streak to bedroom, still dripping.
    26. Dry off with spouse's favorite t-shirt.
    27. Dress.
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  5. #5
    Welpe's Avatar
    Welpe is offline Wannabe NFL Ref
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    Ducky that sounds a lot like my routine. You don't shower here, do you?
    "To the German commander: 'Nuts!' The American Commander" - General Tony McAuliffe, 101st Airborne Division

  6. #6
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
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    Welpe, it IS my morning routine, peppered with some of the more comical real-life shower mishaps I've managed. I was inspired to type it up after reading the other two.
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  7. #7
    Welpe's Avatar
    Welpe is offline Wannabe NFL Ref
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    I figured it was....mine sounds somewhat similar. Having 5 roomates makes for some interesting mornings! lol
    "To the German commander: 'Nuts!' The American Commander" - General Tony McAuliffe, 101st Airborne Division

  8. #8
    Norm357's Avatar
    Norm357 is offline Corporal
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ducky
    Morning routine!

    1. Fall out of bed
    2. Slog to the shower
    3. Blast the hot water till it actually runs hot, then add cold until it's just under scalding.
    4. Get in and stand there for a moment, not caring that the water isn't the *perfect* temp
    5. Blindly fumble for shampoo, get conditioner instead
    6. Look at handful of conditioner and scrape it back into bottle.
    7. Get shampoo.
    8. Lather, getting shampoo into eyes.
    9. Bitch, whine & moan about it stinging
    10. Rinse
    11. Find bar of soap. Drop it a few times for good measure.
    12. Lather everything but the bottom of your feet.
    13. Rinse
    14. Lather bottom of feet
    15. Almost fall down, but save yourself by grabbing everything you can on the way down, knocking everything off of the little shelves into the bottom of the shower with you.
    16. Rinse feet in water that has built up around the drain from the fact that you have a slow clog in the pipe that you never remember to clear out.
    17. Whip open shower curtain, scaring child / pet / spouse that ran in to see if you'd killed yourself when everything fell to the floor.
    18. Tell them that the bathroom is NOT Grand Central Station, so they should get out.
    19. Grab for towel
    20. Realize you forgot to bring towel in with you from the hall closet.
    21. Call for spouse to bring you towel.
    22. Drip dry for two minutes.
    23. Realize you're on your own, so squelch to get a towel, leaving wet footprints everywhere.
    24. Surprise guest that has stopped by unexpectedly.
    25. Streak to bedroom, still dripping.
    26. Dry off with spouse's favorite t-shirt.
    27. Dress.


    LMAO! Great post!

  9. #9
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    I'm not conscious enough to remember my morning routine.
    Thereís a promise I need you to make
    While Iím gone you take care of the love
    And Iíll deal with the hate.

    Donít worry about me; Iíll be all right
    Just care for your children and sleep tight
    Iíll keep you safe on my watch tonight
    ~
    On My Watch Tonight - Mike Corrado

  10. #10
    Vendetta's Avatar
    Vendetta is offline Today, We are All Hokies
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    What about shaving the bikin area???????????
    "And don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway", Buford T. Justice

    #1 Rule in Police: Sometimes its easier to ask Forgiveness than it is to ask Permission

    No one knows what it's like
    To be the bad man
    To be the sad man
    Behind blue eyes

  11. #11
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
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    Quote Originally Posted by wcso234
    What about shaving the bikin area???????????
    That gets saved for when I'm conscious instead of running on autopilot. I really really don't want a slip with a razor there.
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  12. #12
    Welpe's Avatar
    Welpe is offline Wannabe NFL Ref
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    Quote Originally Posted by wcso234
    What about shaving the bikin area???????????
    I prefer wax thanks.....oh wait a minute, was that outloud?
    "To the German commander: 'Nuts!' The American Commander" - General Tony McAuliffe, 101st Airborne Division

 

 

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