How to Poop at Work

[Virginian]

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've
all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt
something brew down below. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump
at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at
work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak
at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic
embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you
did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out
at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant
the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the
poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best
to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the
Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are
in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series
of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front
of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to drop your load when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.

[Ducky]

That's just... disturbing.

[cntryboy0531]

I'm an out of the closet pooper. Nothing better than clearing out the bathroom in the substation and making your partners gag.

[conalabu]

Missed one. The shake-the-leg. I once upon a time worked in a casino where this old asian dealer of Blackjack didn't want to ask for a break. So, he just squeezed one out and shook it down the leg of his pants, then kicked his prize under the table. Same guy was known for pissing his pants while dealing.

[BigBossMan]

That's funny as hell!!!

Missed one. The shake-the-leg. I once upon a time worked in a casino where this old asian dealer of Blackjack didn't want to ask for a break. So, he just squeezed one out and shook it down the leg of his pants, then kicked his prize under the table. Same guy was known for pissing his pants while dealing.

Now that's just wrong!!

[Cst.SB]

Missed one. The shake-the-leg. I once upon a time worked in a casino where this old asian dealer of Blackjack didn't want to ask for a break. So, he just squeezed one out and shook it down the leg of his pants, then kicked his prize under the table. Same guy was known for pissing his pants while dealing.

How the hell did that work? Did he make more money if he stayed at a table?

That's sooooooooooooooooo messed up!

When my brother was an LPO he punched a guy fighting him is the kidneys and the guy sit himself and then shook it out his pant leg in my my brother office. I thought that was bad, your guy takes the cake!

[MonsterMash]

Try sitting on the shitter and having an entire shift walk in and start rating the smell. Talk about performance anxiety. I hate shitting at work.

[Willowdared]

I was wondering if poop jokes would fly here (no pun intended)..continuing the theme.

The Shit List


THE GHOST shit - The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN shit - The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET shit - You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end up putting toilet paper between your ass and our underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE shit - This shit happenes when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE shit
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN shit - No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG shit - The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIUS DRINKER shit - The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD shit" shit
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS shit - Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID shit - That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD shit - A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER - This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER - This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL - This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS shit - A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK shit - This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" shit - This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER - A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER - Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER - A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM shit - This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO shit - Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL - A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER - A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC shit - This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE shit - This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN shit - An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.

PREMEDITATED shit - Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

shitZOPHERENIA - Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL shit - Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

THE POWER DUMP shit - The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER shit - This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log shit.)

THE SPINAL TAP shit - The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.


THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH my asshole" shit
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spincal Tap shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE shit - The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" shit
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" shit
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" shit
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" shit
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

[Virginian]

Oh my gosh... I can't believe Pdawg posted about poop, that is SICK! Can someone delete her post? She's nasty! What made her think this was an ok place for that kind of humor?????




.

[cntryboy0531]

Try sitting on the shitter and having an entire shift walk in and start rating the smell. Talk about performance anxiety. I hate shitting at work.

My smell usually makes the shift leave.

[Radar]

My smell usually makes the shift leave.

Missed one. The shake-the-leg. I once upon a time worked in a casino where this old asian dealer of Blackjack didn't want to ask for a break. So, he just squeezed one out and shook it down the leg of his pants, then kicked his prize under the table. Same guy was known for pissing his pants while dealing.

Even worse is the:

Felony pooper:
The guy who decides to shake one out quietly while sitting in the back of your squad, while your trying to find out just what to charge him with. Without telling you a word, he sits quietly in back, shaking one out, and smiling from ear to ear as you get back in and realize the evil deed he has done just for you especially.

Please let me go pooper:
The guy who you shove in the back of your car, after chasing him for 10 blocks on foot, who now starts bouncing up and down screaming he's got to go to the little boys room this very second. His hope is that you will let him go, let him get out and have an opportunity to make a run for it, or give him "the popo who locked me made me shit and piss my pants." story for IAB, like they even investigate that.

Mental Consumer Pooper:
Who not only poops in the back of your cruiser, but starts smearing it on the windows, seat, and prisoner partion (which you thank God is there). leaving you to tell the jailer at intake that they can keep your cuffs, or leaving you removing them with three pairs of surgical gloves, triple bagging them in ziploc bags, and throwing them off a bridge (or boiling them, soaking a week in bleach, boiling again, soaking one more week in bleach, boiling again, and then throwing away the pot you used)

Didn't see you there pooper:
The guy who pisses or poops on your squad, or in very close proximity to you, while hoping you would not notice.

Wrath of City Services Janitor Stank:
The stank of a thousand nauseous chemicals wafting around in your squad for the rest of your shift, permiatting you clothes, equipment, skin, everything you have in your car, until you can end your shift, trade cars at the motor pool, or go home early for puking on your lt's shoes while telling him the smell in you car is making you nauseous. Given with an evil diabolical grin by the City Services Janitor who you go to after one of the above -heads has done their deed to get back at you for taking them to the land of cold metal tolietsinks with no-privacy.


Just recently I had to go, and didn't have the luxury of making it to pct to do my buisness, so while in the stall of a downtown resturant, doing my civic duty quietly, while hiding my gun belt in my lap so no one would know, a couple of kids (i'd love to strangle) came in apparently having seen me enter and started loudly proclaiming My God it's smells like pig in here! and telling people to run that the police were trying to kill them with the smell, and that they should find another restroom because "it smells like pig in this one". The two of them kept trying to peak in the cracks of the stall door and under the stall door, and I was about ready to mace them both when my partner came in and scared the crap out of them. I'm glad I didn't spray them, don't really want the suspension for it, But Oh how it would have felt good.

Sad part was, I hadn't stunk the place up. Still smelled like roses when I left.
Just some annoying unsupervised kids who needed to be beat senseless.


I'm sure there are more stories/examples dirctly related to this job.