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06-13-06, 11:34 AM #1
Rules For Dating A Cop's Daughter
Rules For Dating A Cop's Daughter
1) If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be reporting a crime or delivering a package because you're damn sure not picking anything up. You will come to the door, knock twice and wait patiently for me to answer. If I do not answer the door immediately, please be patient. I am probably putting the pit bulls away (all SIX of them).
2) You will not touch my daughter until such time as you marry her after the mandatory five years of dating. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or your hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them with a rusty hunting knife and add them to my collection. You are, however, welcome to give her compliments regarding her looks, as long as those compliments do not include the chest or behind area.
3) I am fully aware that it is hip and cool for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they are falling off the hips. Please do not take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots and look like complete jackasses when you do this. But by living in today's world of diversity and tolerance, I always wish to be fair and open-minded. Therefore I propose this compromise: You may come to my door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order to ensure your your clothes do not accidentally come off during the course of your date, I will use my electric nail gun to securely fasten your trousers to your waist.
4) I'm quite sure that you have learned from your parents, teachers and public service annnouncements that having sex without a "barrier method" can kill you. When it comes to sex with my baby girl, I am the barrier and I will kill you. But only after twenty-one days of slow, painful torture beyond your scariest nightmares in a remote location where no one can hear your screams except the animals who await feasting on your dead body.
5) The only information I require from you is the following: Where you are going, with whom, when you plan to have her home, results of a current urine test, your criminal history, three credible references, two recent pay stubs or student transcripts and emergency contact information (in case something "accidentally" happens to you).
6) I have no doubt you are a very popular young man with many opportunities to date other girls. However once you have gone out with my daughter once, you will continue to date her exclusively until such time as she is done with you. Until she dumps you, please remember: If you make her cry, I will make you cry. If you break my baby's heart, I will drop a flash-bang in your pants. You will keep her happy unless you wish to walk with a limp and burn scars on your fun sack the rest of your life.
7) As you stand in my hallway waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh, fidget about, make rude comments, text message your friends or look at your watch. If you are in a hurry, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, fixing her hair and choosing an outfit-a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, do something useful like raking my yard.
8) The following places are off limits to take my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, police, or nuns within eyesight of you. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, drinking, singing, laughing, holding hands, hugging or happiness of any kind. Other places to be avoided are movies with a romantic or sexual theme as well as places with sunsets, slow music, puppies, flowers, or bright colors. Places that are acceptable include plane crashes, hockey games, car races, boxing matches, dog fights, rest homes and funerals.
9) Always fear me and do not lie to me. I may appear to you to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless GOD of your universe. If I ask you ANYTHING about my daughter, you have one chance to look me in the eye and tell me the ENTIRE truth. I have retrieved confessions from robbers, rapists and murderers during the course of my career. I would make quick work of you. I do not believe in Miranda or due process when it comes to matters concerning my baby girl. I Know where you sleep and I have many friends. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a bag of lime and I know places where a body will never be found. Do not **** with me.........I **** back!
10) Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake your rap music in the driveway for the sound of an AK-47 at the North Hollywood bank robbery on February 28th, 1997 or an Iraqi Army unit in the Kuwaiti desert. When my Gulf War Syndrome acts up, the voices in my head tell me to clean my guns on the dark perimeter as I patiently wait for my daughter to come home. (I often have to drink at least a pint of Jack Daniel's to get the voices to stop). When you bring my daughter home, you will turn your music OFF two blocks from my home. You will turn off your colored lights, idle your custom exhaust into my drive and exit your vehicle with both hands in plain view. You will open the car door for my daughter without touching her, whispering, giggling, laughing, smiling or displaying any sign that you had a good time. Do not think this rule changes if you do not see me....I can see you. The camouflaged face in the window is mine. Don't worry about the red dot on your forehead, I'm just testing my new sight. Have a good evening, son.
06-13-06, 11:54 AM #2
I am going to print that up and hold onto it when my baby girl starts dating, as well I am going to add a place for the goon to sign acknowleding the fact that he has read and understood the rules! LMAO!
Capt. D. Larimore
NTISF Gang Unit
06-13-06, 11:56 AM #3
Geez it was easier to get hired on as a cop.The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Beans" on LEF.
06-13-06, 11:58 AM #4
Firstly, I should note that I first saw this in a magazine a long time ago....I believe it was Soldier Of Fortune and it was about a Marine instead of a cop. I tweaked it a little to suit our profession and I hope that's not wrong. I don't take credit for the original.....author unknown.
I also am not responsible for anyone actually following through on any of these things. Peace!
06-13-06, 12:09 PM #5
That was great!!!
06-13-06, 12:15 PM #6Originally Posted by nitestokker
Just so you know:
You can claim this as your own, When you change any word or wording in something that was someone else's it is no long theirs and is not plagiarism.
Thats they way the law on Plagiarism states here in the USA. So feel free to live it up. I like, I'd claim it!
P/s I glad I have a son, and no plans for anymore.Just because your sign off after you're shift is done, doesn't mean that it's over and put blinders on. You're a cop 24/7 wether you like it or not. If thats something you can't handle, you should find a new line of work!
06-13-06, 12:28 PM #7Originally Posted by tjpuclik2
When you have a boy you only have to worry about 1 dick....When you have a girl you have to worry about all of them. Tip your waiter I'll be here all week.
Meanwhile, fishing in Russia:
"When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." -- Frederic Bastiat
"Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else thereafter." Ernest Hemingway
The opinions given in my signatures & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Five-0" on Officerresource.com
06-13-06, 12:47 PM #8UK police officer
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I have a daugher who will be 15 years old soon...
The advice in the list..could have come from my own lips..
I'm showing it to my daughter later...to prove i'm not the only crazycopdad...'The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil,
but because of those who look on and do nothing.'
06-13-06, 01:03 PM #9
Daughters are God's punishment for acting how I did in College towards the female gender.
See?!@Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft. -
People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.
06-13-06, 01:05 PM #10Originally Posted by Five-0
Here's your tip: Don't eat yellow snow! Peace and be SAFE!
06-13-06, 02:20 PM #11Originally Posted by nitestokker
Never heard of or seen the version you speak of though. I just know I saw this on another parenting website and plan on making good use of it as well as a similar contract that goes along with it that I'll be making my daughter sign along with potential applicants. There's some kind of application version too I believe.
06-13-06, 04:50 PM #12THE five-ohVerified LEO
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Originally Posted by Five-0
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Unless he's gay.
06-14-06, 02:28 AM #13IL copper
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That was great! Mine's 15 and I'm priniting a copy of this for her! Hah Hah!!
06-14-06, 02:29 AM #14IL copper
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That was great! Mine's 15 and I'm printing a copy of this for her! Hah Hah!!
06-15-06, 04:33 AM #15
Way to funny! Thank God I have a boy.
06-15-06, 03:32 PM #16
I have four daughters........please pray for me .........and them. I might need backup as well.
06-17-06, 08:34 AM #17
That is funny!!
I was watching Blackhawk down one day and the dirty mope came over to visit my daughter (15). Knowing I was in the Army and in Somalia...he asked if I had shot anybody..I said yes. When he asked how many? I told him not enough so stop asking questions. He decided to wait out on the front porch, it was December.Insert witty comment and disclaimer here.
06-25-06, 07:18 PM #18Originally Posted by Donut Aficionado
Last edited by AgentParsons; 06-25-06 at 07:28 PM.Everybody is entitled to MY opinion!
06-26-06, 06:24 AM #19
This was great , its been on the net for many years , many of us could of written a version of it i bet , lol . I raised a foster daughter , in her teens and raging hormones , and had to have a '' chat '' with a couple of boys who thought they were men , and i put it to them straight , i am omnipresent , i can and will show up anywhere at any time , and have friends who see when i cant , if your d*** even quivers one time near her i promise it never will again ... they were more scared of me than any male ...
I feel for all of ya'll with daughters ....
06-26-06, 08:41 AM #20
It's funny... the first time I dated a cop's daughter I was 26. When he was busy cleaning his gun, I asked if I could borrow his break free since she was taking so long.
We've been friends ever since."My motivation is slipping, people bug me, and I'm tired of wasting my time on drivel."
- Rep. Otis Pike (D - NY)
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