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  1. #1
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
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    The Art of Taking a Pee

    The Art of Taking A Pee!

    The Bottom Line Women are from Venus; men are from Mars. Deal with it.

    Written for a woman who accidentally walked into a men's restroom.

    Please don't feel bad, lady. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then start spinning around just so I'll make sure I hit something.

    You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men’s penises have minds of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg and onto his shoe. I'm telling ya, those little buggers can't be trusted.

    After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man--standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she had to go to the toilet one more time at night and either sit on a pee-soaked toilet seat or fall right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she promised to kill me in my sleep.

    There’s another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about. However, since you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem and you ladies need to understand. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

    Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it doesn’t bend you can't aim. Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

    And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the damn toilet seat won't stay up by itself. That means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

    Now sometimes, when you're newly married (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this), you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.

    So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her, “Look, it won't bend”. She said, "Sit down like I told you to do." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

    Well it's very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.

    Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs onto that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

    I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position: lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance and split-second time precision, but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

    So you ladies have to understand that we men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault; it's just Mother Nature.

    Now, if it were Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  2. #2
    Terminator's Avatar
    Terminator is offline BANNED
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    When I pee, sometimes I swing my hips and let it fly...just for the hell of it.

  3. #3
    conalabu is offline Grasshopper
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    I have such amazing will power, I just make it go away. And then I swing my hips and let it fly.
    And Shepards we shall be,
    for thee, My Lord, for thee,
    Power hath descended forth from Thy hand,
    That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy Command.
    So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
    And teeming with souls will it ever be.
    In Nomine Patris, Et Filli, Et Spiritus Sancti.

  4. #4
    mavriktu's Avatar
    mavriktu is offline Patrol Sgt.
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    Fan-freaking-fantastic and oh so true

  5. #5
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    And I thought I was the only one who swung my hips from left to right just for the hell of it! Mostly in the morning though when I wake up, getting the whole body moving.
    Si vis pacem, para bellum

    And in case you don't speak Latin.......If you want peace, prepare for war.

    I've been places, seen and done things that would make most cry. I've fought along side and against better men then most I come across day to day, i've put my life on the line more then once for things you take for granted and for those you have lost respect for. I don't tell you this for your pity or respect but for you to remember me.

  6. #6
    dlefdal's Avatar
    dlefdal is offline LEF'S unofficial mascot
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    I've never felt so well understood! This solidifies the fact that I want to change my name to I.P. Freally.

    When you find yourself in a hole............QUIT DIGGING!!!!!!!!!

    OK guys time to come clean. I am not only a police officer but I am also a big time movie star. I am using my real photo as my avatar now. Please NO autographs!!!!

    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS and I accept sole responsibility as such

  7. #7
    CopsRCool302 Guest
    I piss to music.. its a art.....

  8. #8
    dlefdal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CopsRCool302
    I piss to music.. its a art.....
    consider me............................ .intrigued...........

    When you find yourself in a hole............QUIT DIGGING!!!!!!!!!

    OK guys time to come clean. I am not only a police officer but I am also a big time movie star. I am using my real photo as my avatar now. Please NO autographs!!!!

    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS and I accept sole responsibility as such

  9. #9
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
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    You guys freaking scare me sometimes. What scares me more is that TacticalTim lives in my town.
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  10. #10
    Lo523's Avatar
    Lo523 is offline Master Officer
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    Ducky that was the funniest thing I've read in a long time - damned near cried with laughter!
    Never approach a bull by the front, a horse from behind, or an idiot from any direction.

  11. #11
    1*girl Guest
    And to all you men on here that swing or sway your hips and let it fly, I will now call you Shakira.

  12. #12
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    there isnt anything wrong with the hip swinging, just hit it in the middle of the bowl!!! That way you dont get yelled at!
    Si vis pacem, para bellum

    And in case you don't speak Latin.......If you want peace, prepare for war.

    I've been places, seen and done things that would make most cry. I've fought along side and against better men then most I come across day to day, i've put my life on the line more then once for things you take for granted and for those you have lost respect for. I don't tell you this for your pity or respect but for you to remember me.

  13. #13
    dlefdal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TacticalTim
    there isnt anything wrong with the hip swinging, just hit it in the middle of the bowl!!! That way you dont get yelled at!
    It's not that easy for us that have large......................... ..egos, shall I say?

    When you find yourself in a hole............QUIT DIGGING!!!!!!!!!

    OK guys time to come clean. I am not only a police officer but I am also a big time movie star. I am using my real photo as my avatar now. Please NO autographs!!!!

    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS and I accept sole responsibility as such

  14. #14
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
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    To hear some guys here tell it, you can just rest the end in the bowl then wander off to make a bologna sandwich, so long as you remember to reel it up when you're done.
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  15. #15
    1*girl Guest
    LOL Ducky! That's kinda disturbing.

  16. #16
    zap's Avatar
    zap
    zap is offline yeahrightsurewhatever
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    Roflmao

  17. #17
    Bosco3379's Avatar
    Bosco3379 is offline I'm the one in the middle
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ducky
    To hear some guys here tell it, you can just rest the end in the bowl then wander off to make a bologna sandwich, so long as you remember to reel it up when you're done.
    I try to do that all the time, but I keep tripping over it
    Former member of the LNC

    Will take verbal abuse for spare change

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  18. #18
    CopsRCool302 Guest
    yeah, well try pissing to Black sabbath, damn that gets painful...

  19. #19
    Willowdared's Avatar
    Willowdared is offline Bendy not Breaky
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    Ya know, I'm going to be grinning all day over the visual this thread has inspired!
    Molly Weasley makes Chuck Norris eat his vegetables.

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  20. #20
    BigDawg's Avatar
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    I tried that hip swinging thing, but I'm so uncordinated I ended up peeing all over the bathroom and even into the kitchen.


    Guess next time I'll try it sober.
    "An Unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it." Jeff Cooper


    Some people are meant to be the police......Some people are meant to call the police!!!

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    The statements posted by BigDawg DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, or procedures of the author's employing agency. These statements are the personal opinions of BigDawg only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the user name of BigDawg. The opinions expressed by BigDawg are protected by the 1st Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. BigDawg’s messages are intended to invoke thought and discussion among the "Officer Resources" forum community and may not necessarily reflect the opinion of the author. BigDawg’s posts and any attachments are intended for an adult audience (18+) and may contain strong language, sexual content, nudity, violence, and may be graphic in nature. Some material may be considered offensive; reader discretion is advised. Please note that many of BigDawg’s posts are intended for entertainment value only. BigDawg’s posts are not intended to be used where prohibited by law. Furthermore, BigDawg's posts, and any attachments, may contain information covered by the Electronic Communications Privacy Act, 18 U.S.C. 2510-2521, and is confidential and proprietary in nature. If you are not the intended recipient, please be advised that you are legally prohibited from retaining, using, copying, distributing, or otherwise disclosing this information in any manner.

 

 
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