The Art of Taking a Pee

**Ducky** · 08-05-06, 03:09 PM

The Art of Taking A Pee!

The Bottom Line Women are from Venus; men are from Mars. Deal with it.

Written for a woman who accidentally walked into a men's restroom.

Please don't feel bad, lady. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then start spinning around just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men’s penises have minds of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg and onto his shoe. I'm telling ya, those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man--standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she had to go to the toilet one more time at night and either sit on a pee-soaked toilet seat or fall right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she promised to kill me in my sleep.

There’s another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about. However, since you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem and you ladies need to understand. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it doesn’t bend you can't aim. Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the damn toilet seat won't stay up by itself. That means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this), you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her, “Look, it won't bend”. She said, "Sit down like I told you to do." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.

Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs onto that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position: lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance and split-second time precision, but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that we men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault; it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it were Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!

**Terminator** · 08-05-06, 03:24 PM

When I pee, sometimes I swing my hips and let it fly...just for the hell of it.

**conalabu** · 08-05-06, 03:33 PM

I have such amazing will power, I just make it go away. And then I swing my hips and let it fly.

**mavriktu** · 08-05-06, 06:07 PM

Fan-freaking-fantastic and oh so true

**TacticalTim** · 08-05-06, 06:27 PM

And I thought I was the only one who swung my hips from left to right just for the hell of it! Mostly in the morning though when I wake up, getting the whole body moving.

**dlefdal** · 08-05-06, 06:37 PM

I've never felt so well understood! This solidifies the fact that I want to change my name to I.P. Freally.

CopsRCool302 · 08-05-06, 08:04 PM

I piss to music.. its a art.....

**dlefdal** · 08-05-06, 08:05 PM

Originally Posted by CopsRCool302

I piss to music.. its a art.....

consider me............................ .intrigued...........

**Ducky** · 08-05-06, 10:25 PM

You guys freaking scare me sometimes. What scares me more is that TacticalTim lives in my town.

**Lo523** · 08-06-06, 05:01 PM

Ducky that was the funniest thing I've read in a long time - damned near cried with laughter!

1*girl · 08-06-06, 05:13 PM

And to all you men on here that swing or sway your hips and let it fly, I will now call you Shakira.

**TacticalTim** · 08-06-06, 06:26 PM

there isnt anything wrong with the hip swinging, just hit it in the middle of the bowl!!! That way you dont get yelled at!

**dlefdal** · 08-06-06, 07:03 PM

Originally Posted by TacticalTim

there isnt anything wrong with the hip swinging, just hit it in the middle of the bowl!!! That way you dont get yelled at!

It's not that easy for us that have large......................... ..egos, shall I say?

**Ducky** · 08-06-06, 07:55 PM

To hear some guys here tell it, you can just rest the end in the bowl then wander off to make a bologna sandwich, so long as you remember to reel it up when you're done.

1*girl · 08-06-06, 08:46 PM

LOL Ducky! That's kinda disturbing.

**zap** · 08-06-06, 10:36 PM

Roflmao

**Bosco3379** · 08-07-06, 12:05 AM

Originally Posted by Ducky

To hear some guys here tell it, you can just rest the end in the bowl then wander off to make a bologna sandwich, so long as you remember to reel it up when you're done.

I try to do that all the time, but I keep tripping over it

CopsRCool302 · 08-07-06, 12:08 AM

yeah, well try pissing to Black sabbath, damn that gets painful...

**Willowdared** · 08-07-06, 12:51 PM

Ya know, I'm going to be grinning all day over the visual this thread has inspired!

**BigDawg** · 08-07-06, 02:07 PM

I tried that hip swinging thing, but I'm so uncordinated I ended up peeing all over the bathroom and even into the kitchen.

Guess next time I'll try it sober.