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  1. #1
    Roses's Avatar
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    Week At The Gym... One Woman's Story

    Dear Diary For my fortieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear)
    purchased a week of personal training at the local gym for me . Although I am still in great shape since my track and field days some 25 years ago, I
    decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the
    gym and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Damon, who
    identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
    athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my
    enthusiasm to get started! The gym encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

    Monday: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Damon waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, seductive eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Damon gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill and was alarmed that it was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his gym top and bulging shorts. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Damon was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

    Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
    Damon made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
    made the full mile. Damon's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
    GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

    Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I ran over the gym manager in the parking lot. Damon was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for this early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so he put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Damon told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

    Thursday: Damon was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
    being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Damon took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women's change room. He sent Cheryl to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

    Friday: I hate that bastard Damon more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, masochistic gym-jock If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. He wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the frickenbarbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the nutrition advisor. Why couldn't it have been someone b> ig and soft, like an ice-cream salesman or a fireman?

    Saturday: Damon left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
    whining voice, wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my rolling pin. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

    Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the bastard) will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root
    canal or a pap smear.
    http://img455.imageshack.us/img455/1369/rosekdrosetransp9fk2eb.gif

    A Smile

    A smile cost nothing, but gives so much.

    It enriches those who receive it,
    without making poorer those who give.
    It takes but a moment, but the memory
    of it sometimes lasts forever.

    None is so rich or mighty that he
    can get along without it,
    and none is so poor but that
    he can be made rich by it.

    A smile creates happiness in the home,
    fosters goodwill in business,
    and is the countersign of friendship.

    It brings rest to the weary,
    cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad,
    and it is nature's best antidote for trouble.

    Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed,
    or stolen, for it is something that is of no
    value to anyone until it is given away.

    Some people are too tired to give you a smile.
    Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile
    so much as he who has no more to give.

    - author unknown

  2. #2
    dlefdal's Avatar
    dlefdal is offline LEF'S unofficial mascot
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    That is some funny stuff. Great post

    When you find yourself in a hole............QUIT DIGGING!!!!!!!!!

    OK guys time to come clean. I am not only a police officer but I am also a big time movie star. I am using my real photo as my avatar now. Please NO autographs!!!!

    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS and I accept sole responsibility as such

  3. #3
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
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    I've known a Damon or two.. they cry like babies if you drop one of the barbells on their toe.

    Just a thought.
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  4. #4
    Buttercup's Avatar
    Buttercup is offline Thrives in sunshine
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    Hey, I know someone named Damon. Hmmm........




  5. #5
    TheOldRhino's Avatar
    TheOldRhino is offline Corporal
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    Damon happens to be a very manly and sexy name. Sexy in a manly kind of way.
    The virtue of spirit has no need for thanks or approval. Only the certain conviction that what has been done is right. -Jor El, as played by Marlon Brando

  6. #6
    Lo523's Avatar
    Lo523 is offline Master Officer
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    Great post - very funny!
    Never approach a bull by the front, a horse from behind, or an idiot from any direction.

  7. #7
    timatoe127's Avatar
    timatoe127 is offline NorCal Po-Po
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buttercup View Post
    Hey, I know someone named Damon. Hmmm........
    Yeh, me too, the one I know is a big prick.
    I may have many faults, but being wrong ain't one of them.

    Jimmy Hoffa

  8. #8
    dlefdal's Avatar
    dlefdal is offline LEF'S unofficial mascot
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    Most Damon's are. Dusty's and Tim's on the other hand............some of the nicest guys you'll ever meet
    When you find yourself in a hole............QUIT DIGGING!!!!!!!!!

    OK guys time to come clean. I am not only a police officer but I am also a big time movie star. I am using my real photo as my avatar now. Please NO autographs!!!!

    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS and I accept sole responsibility as such

 

 

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