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  1. #1
    SRT Sniper's Avatar
    SRT Sniper is offline Improvise-Adapt-Overcome!
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    Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
    You are a sniper when all other methods to save a life are failing...
    You are a counter-sniper when someone else thinks they are as good as you with a rifle.

    Nec hostium timete, nec amicum reusate - Audentes fortuna iuvat - Nemo me impune laedere
    Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis, Frater Infinitas

  2. #2
    CopsRCool302 Guest
    HAHAHAAH what a daddy I have a son, so ditto to the girls that come over....

  3. #3
    Ivory's Avatar
    Ivory is offline Grrr I hate not working for a jail.....
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    This was posted sometime before....
    Life is a fleeting memory,
    It come and goes,
    But one thing will always remain.
    That is History.
    ~Erin~

  4. #4
    10-42Adam's Avatar
    10-42Adam is offline Major
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    Hahahaha I loved every reason!
    Calm Like A Bomb...

    A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. An optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.
    -Winston Churchill

  5. #5
    Buttercup's Avatar
    Buttercup is offline Thrives in sunshine
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    Dad? Is that you?




  6. #6
    bufford408's Avatar
    bufford408 is offline Just green and furry all over
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    I liked rule's number 4 and 6 the best.So true!

  7. #7
    nitestokker's Avatar
    nitestokker is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeputyJailer View Post
    This was posted sometime before....
    I did it a few months ago, but it never gets old!

  8. #8
    SRT Sniper's Avatar
    SRT Sniper is offline Improvise-Adapt-Overcome!
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    Quote Originally Posted by nitestokker View Post
    I did it a few months ago, but it never gets old!
    I should have known that nitestokker would have already posted something as cool as this!!
    You are a sniper when all other methods to save a life are failing...
    You are a counter-sniper when someone else thinks they are as good as you with a rifle.

    Nec hostium timete, nec amicum reusate - Audentes fortuna iuvat - Nemo me impune laedere
    Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis, Frater Infinitas

  9. #9
    nitestokker's Avatar
    nitestokker is offline Banned
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    I'm just a natural-borne-smartass, thus I seek out all that is smart-ass, embrace it and then post it. Let's party sometime, Snipe. (Maybe I'll take you "snipe" hunting. Ever done that? LOL!)

  10. #10
    JLK's Avatar
    JLK
    JLK is offline Protecting Those That Can't Protect Themselves
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    very funny. i need to print and post it at the house. i got a baby girl due february 3. took in a couple of my wife's sisters. sharpping my hunting knife worked well.


    "A strong man stands up for himself. A stronger man stands up for others."
    Ben

    The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented
    on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you
    expecting trouble?" "No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have
    brought my rifle."
    (just stole this one hope you don't mind)


    The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they are ignorant,
    it is just that they know so much that isn't so.
    President Ronald Reagan



  11. #11
    Angry Mexican's Avatar
    Angry Mexican is offline Angry Vet
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    very very funny. have friends that have done a few of those things.

  12. #12
    zap's Avatar
    zap
    zap is offline yeahrightsurewhatever
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    No matter if its been posted before or not...it's funny! Engval does it so well too!
    Stupidity Recognition Technician

 

 

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