This just in at the Countybear news network; a newly unclassified document from the pen of our fearful leader:

With the recent release of CIA counter-terrorism documents, some of which detail the treatment and interrogation techniques utilized to secure information regarding global terrorism networks from terrorist detainees, and most specifically, known Al-Qaeda operatives, I believe that it is crucial for us to introduce another revolutionary (bowel) movement by the U.S.'s new 'warm and fuzzy' administration, referred to as the Global Anti-Dismemberment Treaty.

We, at the new-and-improved, United Hopeful States of Change, (formerly known as the United States of [insert God Damn at your discretion] America), realize that dowsing people with fresh cold water and refusing to let them sleep for long periods of time when we reasonably believe that they have information regarding the impending attacks which might result in the deaths of thousands of our innocent citizens, is reprehensible, even while supervised by a physician to ensure no long-term harm.

Such tactics are an atrocity of monumental proportions, demeaning to the individual liberties that terrorists are inherently granted by resembling human beings, and should subject those allowing such practices to facing criminal prosecution and long-term incarceration. Thus, we must vacate such practices and in so doing, humbly and respectfully request that the terrorists (um... better word usage needed here), ISLAMIC PATRIOTS (much better), must also de-escalate some rather archaic (albeit certainly justified) practices that they have espoused in the past, which include, but are not limited to:

1) taking civilian hostages,
2) beheading civilian hostages,
3) dragging the burnt and dismembered bodies of captured combatants through the street,
4) placing explosives and combustible materials in places frequented by schoolchildren,
5) hijacking civilian commercial passenger aircraft and crashing them intentionally into populated areas,
6) sniping and suicide bombing moderate heads of State,
7) planning and endeavoring to procure materials likely to slaughter humans in mass quantities,
8) fashioning such armaments into deliverable packages likely to facilitate mass human death,
9) and, generally being miscreant and difficult when refusing to divulge plans of the above.

We therefore introduce this agreement as a means by which to further the peaceful understanding of the sanctity of human life, and to preserve the general state of happiness, euphoria, and approval rating which exists in the election of a new president in the U.S., and the renewal of our country to its exhalted level of humility, furthered by the touted 'constraints' faced by our Republic's new-and-improved administration according with its own Constitution.

Ratified by the presence and affixation in proper person of signatures appearing below:

______________________________ _
President Barack Hussein Obama

______________________________ _
Osama bin Laden, Emir of Taliban, Al-Qaeda

______________________________ _
Emir of Hamas

______________________________ _
Emir of Hezbollah

______________________________ _
Emir of Lashkar e Taiba

______________________________ _
Emir of Abu Nidal

______________________________ _
Emir of Al-Umar-Mujahaeen

______________________________ _
Emir of Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade

______________________________ _
Emir of Ansar al Sunna

______________________________ _
Emir of Islamic Jihad (et al)

______________________________ _
Hector Chavez (Moderator)

______________________________ _
Hilary Rodham Clinton (because she raised hell to be included)


Please address all Nobel Peace Prize inquiries to Al Gore, Incorporated.