Many law enforcement marriages end in divorce. Although they do not always have to end this way, there are times when a marital union cannot be preserved. This article examines what to do when you are angry with your spouse, when couples need to separate, the consequences of divorce to the peace officer and spouse, how to communicate with the children and what to do if you are someone close to the couple.

When you are angry with your spouse

Every marriage will experience times when either one spouse or the other is angry and would like to separate. This is to be expected and should not startle or frighten those involved. Keep your powder dry. Do not threaten separation or divorce. Such threats are manipulative tactics to maintain or regain power and control in the relationship (typically by someone who tends to be insecure and has ineffective interpersonal communication skills).

These threats create psychological and emotional insecurity and ultimately damage the very foundation of the marriage. Severe ongoing structural failure will bring the house down, and it’s the same with your law enforcement marriage. If you have allowed the sun to go down on your anger, consider airing it out with the police chaplain or police psychologist.

When couples need to separate

Violence of any kind by one party against the other is not sanctioned, and the couple should immediately separate for — at a minimum — a cooling-down period (often days, weeks or months), as well as individual counseling for each partner. There are many reasons why couples counseling is contraindicated during the cooling-down period, but suffice it to say that each partner needs to do the individual psychological work necessary in order to possibly (safely and effectively) return to the relationship. A violent relationship should not continue. It is OK to be in conflict and even to be angry, but when you are upset or angry with your spouse, never put hands on.

Couples also need to separate when one party has committed (literally) every effort to retain the union to no avail. The marriage is no longer viable. You cannot force your spouse to continue a marriage. Typically, in these cases, the spouse is more interested in punishing you than repairing marital damage. They can choose to exercise their free will and leave the marriage even when it is not in their (or your) best interests to do so, and they are allowed that freedom.

Certainly, there are lesser reasons why couples separate and divorce. But (arguably) in those cases, the marriage could have been saved. Both individuals could have done the work, but each chose not to. Possible reasons in these cases include fear (of judgment, vulnerability, blame or change), perceived stigma (to receive professional support for the marriage), practical barriers (such as cost), denial (that the relationship has been ruptured) and mixed motivations (wanting only the other person to do the work, wanting only the other person to change, wanting an excuse to leave the marriage or sheer complacency). If you are experiencing one or more of these barriers and don’t know how to problem-solve it, contact your department police psychologist or EAP — both of which should be part of your employee benefits and cost you nothing.

Most couples enter a marriage with good intentions, so when a marriage ends, both partners typically feel great despair.

Consequences of divorce

Most couples enter a marriage with good intentions, so when a marriage ends, both partners typically feel great despair. One highly decorated retired LAPD captain who loved his wife and children said — at roll call to all the troops — that divorce was “hell” that he “wouldn’t wish on anyone,” even though he was the one who initiated it and even though his wife did not fight it. Think about that. Everyone suffers. And you probably know how bitterness has taken many sworn and civilian personnel down a path of self-destruction. 

Do not try to walk through a separation or divorce alone, as you may then be drawn into behavior that will pull you further from your dignity. You can be sad and downhearted but still have peace. Seek the wisdom of a trusted, knowledgeable person who will look out for your best interests. Is there a department police chaplain or police psychologist who can both protect your privacy and properly guide you? Be very alert to the needs of the children who are part of the splintered family. Do not pretend that this is an ideal situation for them, because that would be false. 

How to communicate with the children

Do not think that the end of a marriage is the business of only the two adults involved. Children have a right to explanations, regardless of how simple and short. Many children feel their parents are divorcing because of their own disobedience or perceived flaws. This causes the greatest distress in a child, even if the distress is hidden. Tell the child that they are loved regardless of their mistakes, that families should find peace and happiness (together or separated) and that other families experience this suffering as well. The children should know that they are loved, not responsible and not alone. Do not blame, put down or name-call the other parent or partner, and particularly do not do this in front of your children. Spare your children any experience of hatred for their parent, as this is unmanageable to them. Children simply cannot cope with such burdens, and it is not fair to them.

What to do when you are close to the couple

Be alert to the needs of fellow officers and their families suffering through or after a divorce. Extra love and extra joy are necessary, and you are asked to bring it to them. Do not spread bitterness. Do not judge. It is necessary only for you to love this couple and support their family. This is the higher path. You are called upon to support them in a profound way during this time. 

Thank you, as always, for looking out for each other. Keep up the good work.