I still remember the first time I faced an internal affairs investigation and had to surrender my badge and gun. That first time, it honestly felt like, along with the badge and gun, I had surrendered my dignity too — my identity, my sense of self. For years, I had associated the badge with who I was. When it was suddenly taken away pending an investigation, it felt like a piece of me went with it.

Fast-forward years later to another internal affairs investigation where, once again, I was asked to surrender my badge and gun. This time was different. The badge and gun sat on top of the sergeant’s desk, but I walked back home with my dignity, pride, identity and sense of self intact.

What changed? Not the investigation — me. I changed.

That realization taught me one of the most important lessons of my career: internal affairs investigations can affect your job, your assignment, your reputation and sometimes even your future. But they should never be allowed to define who you are as a person.

Unfortunately, many officers learn that lesson the hard way.

Most agencies do a reasonably good job explaining the mechanics of internal affairs investigations. Policies explain procedures. Labor organizations explain representation rights. Supervisors explain reporting requirements.

What often gets overlooked is the human side of the process: the waiting, the uncertainty, the impact on families, the emotional toll of having your professional judgment, actions and reputation placed under a microscope.

Even when officers know they acted appropriately, investigations create uncertainty. Human beings naturally seek control during uncertain situations. When answers are unavailable, the mind often fills the gaps with assumptions, speculation and worst-case scenarios.

I have watched good officers mentally exhaust themselves trying to predict outcomes they cannot control. They replay conversations, analyze every interaction with supervisors, obsess over timelines and search for hidden meanings in routine administrative decisions.

The investigation becomes the center of their universe, and that is where many officers make their first mistake.

While officers may have limited control over the investigation itself, they still maintain control over how they respond to it. They can control their professionalism, their conduct and how they treat the people around them. Most importantly, they can control how much of the investigation they allow into their homes. 

The latter is a good one, because when the uniform comes under fire, the family often feels the burn as well. One of the most valuable lessons I learned is that internal affairs investigations rarely affect only the officer — they affect spouses, children and families too.

When an officer becomes consumed by fear, anger, uncertainty or frustration, those emotions rarely stay at work; they follow them home. Children notice stress. Spouses notice emotional withdrawal. Everyone is impacted. Families often find themselves carrying burdens they neither created nor fully understand.

Looking back, I did not fully appreciate this reality while I was going through some of my own investigations. What I later discovered was that my wife had been quietly observing everything — the sleepless nights, the irritability, the silence and the emotional distance. As a mental health professional, she was witnessing firsthand how uncertainty and loss of control were affecting not only me, but our family.

What surprised me most was learning that she had been journaling throughout the experience. Those observations eventually became a forthcoming book, examining the impact these investigations can have through the eyes of a police spouse and mental health professional. Her perspective reinforced something I wish more agencies openly acknowledged: internal affairs investigations do not remain confined to the workplace. Their effects often extend far beyond agency walls.

This is where leadership plays an important role. The purpose of internal affairs is accountability, credibility and public trust — objectives that are essential to professional policing. However, agencies should also recognize that officers under investigation remain human beings.

Communication matters, as does transparency, timeliness and respect. Best of all, none of that violates established procedures when done correctly. Officers are more likely to accept difficult outcomes when they believe and see the process itself is fair, professional and credible.

Likewise, leaders should remember that uncertainty often creates more stress than the eventual outcome. While certain details cannot always be shared during active investigations, maintaining reasonable communication can reduce unnecessary speculation and anxiety.

For officers currently facing an internal affairs investigation, I offer a few lessons I wish someone had shared with me years ago:

• Know your policies and your rights before you need them.
• Do not isolate yourself from trusted family members, friends or support systems.
• Maintain healthy routines involving exercise, sleep and stress management.
• Separate your identity from your badge, assignment or current circumstances.
• Remember that not every thought produced by a stressed mind deserves your trust.
• Most importantly, understand that an allegation is not a conviction, and an investigation is not your identity.

If you are in a leadership position, whether within your agency, labor organization or command staff, consider conducting a top-to-bottom review of your internal affairs process. Ask yourself whether the process is not only legally sound, but also credible, transparent and professionally respectful.

Because when credibility improves, survivability does too — not just professionally, but personally as well.