AMERICAN POLICE BEAT: JUNE 2017 21 Hi there! I’m JR434. I’m a full service all-service protocol droid that can help you with almost any task. I’d like you to meet the police officer of the future. To your right is the new police security droid POD-9. He speaks all human lan- guages, doesn’t need meal breaks or sick days and can run 75 m.p.h. Do not be alarmed. We are here to help you. L ast month we learned that some of our new robot friends aren’t very good drivers. It turns out they’re even worse when it comes to a scrap. According to multiple media reports, police in Mountain View, California arrested a man accused of being drunk and knocking down a crime-prevention robot. We’ve been talking about the dangers of automation and privatization for years and it’s increasingly look- ing as though the future is now. “What robots?” some of the old timers might be thinking. “There are no damned robots I know about. Hey Alexa . . . where are all these robots these kids keep talking about?” In the drunken man’s defense, Mr. Roboto (Domo arigato!) sounds like he was due for a smack. The 300-pound “crime prevention” robot spins around real fast and oc- casionally whistles in what some have described as R2D2 on meth. Needless to say, the com- ments on social media were as stupid as the story itself. “I think this is a pretty pathetic incident because it shows how spineless the drunk guys in Silicon Val- ley really are because they attack a victim who doesn’t even have any arms,” Moun- tain View resident Eamonn Callon said. And this wasn’t a scene from a movie where the good guy blasts the evil ro- bot to bits with an impulse weapon. Jason Sylvain, 41, simply knocked down the droid in the parking lot. The robot referred to as K5 suffered some scratches, but it is back on the street. The guy that will cash in when these robots start tak- ing cops’ jobs thanked the human cops. The company is called iKnightscope. iKnightscope says it’s a “testament to the technol- ogy” that the man who at- tacked the anti-crime droid was arrested. That’s not a testament to anything, nerd boys. It’s just what cops do for a living. At least for the foreseeable future. Man assaulted an egg-shaped robot These are not the droids we’re looking for Have you ever noticed that some of the people ob- sessed with being thin and fit seem really unhappy? Running 10 miles day, doing 1,200 sit ups and eat- ing only a bag of carrots can have a really negative im- pact on people’s attitudes. Consider fitness guru and angry person Jackie War- ner. Warner has been charged with felony assault on a po- lice officer, misdemeanor DUI and misdemeanor hit and run, E! News reported recently. Like a lot of people that don’t know how to act these days, she’s blaming her medications. Warner’s attorney, Shawn Holley, says she’s been bat- tling insomnia and that’s why she was so high when she hit a cop. “We have letters and re- ports from Jackie’s doctors which prove a long his- tory of insomnia and which strongly support our conten- tion that Jackie was driving unconscious after taking Ambien which had been prescribed to her,” Holley told TMZ. “I reached out to the D.A.’s Office weeks ago and was assured that deputies would review our reports be- fore filing charges,” Holley added. “We are extremely disappointed that the D.A.’s Office filed these charges without reviewing our evi- dence, as promised.” They always blame the medication after arrest I gotta tell ya, lady – you look a lot different in person www.desantisholster.com 800-GUNHIDE 631-841-6300 Dept #AP67 431 Bayview Ave., Amityville, NY 11701 MSRP Style M44 3999 $ WITHOUT FLAP WITH FLAP STICKS ALMOST LIKE FLY PAPER ® SUPER FLY SUPER FLY ‡ 5HPRYDEOHUHYHUVLEOHRXWHUÁDSWRIXUWKHU   GLVJXLVHÀUHDUP ‡ +ROVWHUZLOOQRWPRYHRXWRISRVLWLRQLQSRFNHW ‡ $YDLODEOHIRUPRVWSRFNHWJXQV ‡ 6SHFLDOSRO\PHULQVHUWSUHYHQWVPROGLQJ ‡+LJKULGH2:%,:%KROVWHU ‡'HWDLOPROGLQJRQRXWHUSRUWLRQ ‡3UHIRUPHGZLWKDFXUYHGEDFNIRUFRPIRUW FRQFHDODELOLW\ ‡,QWXLWLYHVHOIORFNLQJGHYLFH SL RAPTOR ™ MSRP Style 147 8399 $