Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16 Page 17 Page 18 Page 19 Page 20 Page 21 Page 22 Page 23 Page 24 Page 25 Page 26 Page 27 Page 28 Page 29 Page 30 Page 31 Page 32 Page 33 Page 34 Page 35 Page 36 Page 37 Page 38 Page 39 Page 40AMERICAN POLICE BEAT: AUGUST 2016 21 D epartment of Homeland Secu- rity authorities say one of their employees may have been plotting a mass shooting at the U.S. Department of Homeland Security head- quarters. The employee, Jonathan Wienke, was found with a knife and other items after he was chosen for a random security screening when he arrived for work in June at the federal agency’s head- quarters in Washington, D.C., reported WRC-TV. Wienke also had pepper spray, an infrared camera, But who protects DHS from DHS? But who protects DHS from DHS? Luckily it looks like a mass shooting of DHS higher ups was avoided radio devices and handcuffs, authorities said. Security allowed Wienke to go on into the building. But then something called a “security team” asked him to undergo another screen- ing about 90 minutes later. The team searched the guy again and this time found a handgun loaded with hollow-point ammo. At that point they heard Wienke “utter an audible expletive.” He has since pleaded not guilty to carrying a pistol without a license and was released on bond. Federal investigators now believe Wienke was conspir- ing with another person, who hasn’t been identified, to commit a mass shooting targeting a meeting of senior DHS officials directly across from his cubicle. Investigators said Wienke had top-secret clearance and was aware of the meeting. The DHS spokesperson said Wienke worked in the Office of Intelligence and Analysis. He has been placed on administrative leave. It’s unclear if he’s still drawing a paycheck. The charges Wienke could be facing include attempt and conspiracy to assas- sinate, kidnap or assault a member of the executive branch of the government, false impersonation of a federal officer, and posses- sion of a firearm in a federal facility. As is usually the case with suspects like Wienke, his so- cial media history indicates some mental health issues. A cached Facebook post apparently made by Wienke in 2012 suggested President Barack Obama and Demo- crats were hypocrites for supporting taxpayer funding for PBS while criticizing the top 1 percent. Wienke said the one-per- cent (a reference to extreme- ly wealthy people) included the fictional Sesame Street character Big Bird. Delusions of grandeur are a common feature of the online histories of suspects like Wienke. “I have no quibble with the educational value of Sesame Street, and its pro- ducers deserve the success they’ve obviously achieved,” he posted. “But Big Bird is part of the 1% (and has been for years), and doesn’t need a taxpayer bailout.” This obviously begs the question – how many other lunatics are collecting pay- checks at DHS? When it comes to making crap excuses, it’s hard to know who’s the best at it. Is it the fourth graders that allege K-9 digestion of homework assignments or people that get busted for drunk driv- ing? In Mississippi, State Sen- ate President Pro Tem Terry Burton says he does not have a drinking problem. He says it’s the breath spray that got cops confused. Terry was recently arrested for his second DUI offense in as many years. In the last incident after partying a little too hard at a concert, Terry ran his truck off the road after hitting a stop sign. At the station the Breatha- lyzer showed the guy was wasted. And here’s why it’s never a good idea to try and get creative when you’re wasted on any drug – especially al- cohol. Terry told police he had indeed been drinking – early that morning. But he says he stopped drinking in the afternoon. File the rest of this guy’s tall tale under “excuses that are guaranteed to fail.” “I had a coughing spell after all the powder and dust blew from the air bags de- ploying,” Burton explained. “I took some cough syrup. … It was Nyquil, that was all I had in my bag, had nothing else in the vehicle to drink. … I used breath spray because my mouth felt like cotton.” Dollars to donuts some- one without any influence or political power would be laughed out of the courtroom and held responsible for their actions. But this guy must be juiced in six ways to Sunday. Justice Court Judge Wil- bur McCurdy ruled that the Nyquil and breath spray caused a false positive on the Breathalyzer. It’s nice to have friends in high places – the kind that can make charges vanish at will simply by nodding or making a phone call. I haven’t touched a drop since like 8:00 AM, officer!