When I was working in the Gang Unit with the Albuquerque Police Department, there was a phrase used by gang members to express their outlook on life: “Smile Now, Cry Later.” I would sometimes see this written on tattoos depicting the ancient Greek theater masks of comedy and tragedy. The meaning implies one should live life to the fullest now and worry about the consequences later. 

We can’t adhere to that carefree philosophy in police work, but there is such a thing as tombstone humor that only a cop might understand. Comedy helped us make light of ourselves and keep a more positive outlook on life during some very bleak moments. Humor is a coping mechanism to help officers deal with the constant stress of their jobs. Studies have shown that a sense of humor can improve your mental and physical health. Mark Twain said that “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardness yields, all our irritations and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.” 

Laughter and humor are ways of blowing off psychological steam, dealing with pain and redirecting hurt. There is truth to the adage, “laughter is the best medicine.” Laughing produces endorphins or “happy” brain chemicals that act as a natural pain killer — soothing stress, reducing anxiety, easing chronic pain and just making you feel really, really swell. According to long-term studies from the University of Maryland School of Medicine, laughter has been linked to lowering the risk of heart attack and stroke.

My dad was assigned to the Police Marine Unit in the late 1960s, and they would patrol the beaches along Lake Michigan in the summer. There were some very exclusive homes on the lakefront that had their own private beaches and huge backyards. There had been several reports of a naked man peering in the windows late at night. 

There were several sightings, and my dad and his partner happened to be nearby one night when a call came in. They docked their boat and went in on foot. They checked around but did not locate anyone. While walking back to their boat, they noticed something in some bushes. They found a stack of clothing, shorts, shirt, underwear, shoes and socks. They also found a set of car keys and a wallet. The address was a few miles from the beach, and the driver’s license was of a young man, 19 years old. 

They decided that this person probably would not show himself anytime soon and came up with a plan. They bagged the clothing and other items and drove to the address on the license. They went to this home and left the bag on the front porch before ringing the doorbell and leaving. To this day, I still wonder how this guy made it home and how he explained it to his parents.

Police humor can range from sophisticated to sophomoric and is known to cause muffled chuckles to all-out belly laughs. Nobody was immune from being the victim of a practical joke in those days. One night, I set up radar on a long stretch of road, hoping to catch a particular motorcycle driver who was constantly speeding through the area. I spotted a single headlight in the distance and waited for it to come into range. Jackpot! This had to be my guy — he was going 75 in the 35 zone. Suddenly, the “motorcycle” abruptly slowed, and a pair of headlights came on. My smart-ass buddy had killed his lights and used the spotlight to give the impression that a motorcycle was approaching. He slowed and said, “gotcha” on the radio as he drove past me. 

One night, after working a busy swing shift, some officers and I were driving out to a tavern to have a couple beers. Another officer passed us on the road and, unbeknownst to him, there was a pair of pants and shoes that were stuffed to look like two legs dragging from under the rear of that officer’s car. It looked like he had run over someone and was dragging the body behind his vehicle. He drove all the way to the bar like that and didn’t find it until we all left to go home. 

Police officers always found interesting ways to amuse themselves. After finding a pair of discarded police pants in the trash can in the locker room, someone got the bright idea to run these pants up the flagpole out in front of the station. This pair of pants belonged to a somewhat obese fellow officer with a large waist size. The pants billowed out and flapped around up the pole. The wind picked up, and the pants swung up 10 feet or so and soared upward, tethered only by one rope out of reach of the officers. Fortunately, the wind died and the pranksters were able to take the pants down. Otherwise, there would have been a lot to explain since the flagpole was right outside the police chief’s windows.

Police uniform jackets were fair game, and if taken off and left unattended, you could almost guarantee that someone would put the badge or name tag on upside down. Seeing an officer walking around with their badge upside down never seemed to get old or fail to amuse us. I was with an old-timer one day on a call, and someone asked him how to spell his last name. He pointed to this name tag, and the lady smiled and told him that it was upside down. Without missing a beat, he looked down at it and replied, “That’s so I can read it better when I forget my name.”

I remember at a roll call one day, this same officer was complaining about the new level-three safety holster he was issued. It took a little practice to get used to the extra step needed to be able to release your handgun. That mechanism was basically a thumb press, but it took a while to get the movement into your muscle memory. “Ace,” as this officer was known, was seated in the middle of the room and was demonstrating how difficult it was to get his gun out. He drew it out unexpectedly, and suddenly, he was waving it in the air, pointing it at the ceiling. Every officer in the room ducked for cover as Ace bellowed out laughing and then asked, “Now do you see what I’m talking about?” 

“Old Ace” had reached legendary status in our department. One Fourth of July, he was working at a traffic post following a lakefront fireworks show. When the display ended, hundreds of cars were exiting the park and the adjoining lots. Ace had a busy post and held a lit flare to get the attention of the drivers as he directed traffic.  

One impatient motorist reportedly gave him a hard time as he waited for his turn to pull out. Ace made him wait even longer. As the driver and his passenger drove off, they threw something at Ace, and he responded by throwing the flare back at their convertible car that had the top down. The flare landed in the backseat and emanated a very distinct red glow as the car continued to drive away. No complaint was ever filed.

One afternoon, I was dispatched to a townhouse where it was reported that an injured dog was in the bushes. When I went to check, it was not a dog but a small pig. I found a plastic wiffle ball bat in a neighbor’s yard and used this to try to coax the pig out by gently poking at him. He began squealing loudly and baring his teeth. 

The “Baconator” came at me quickly. I ran and jumped up on the hood of my police car, which was parked on the shoulder of the road in plain view of rush hour traffic. The pig continued squealing and started to run around my car in circles. I called for help, but did not advise what I had gotten myself into. My backup pulled up and asked what I was doing sitting on the hood. He could not see the vicious beast on the other side of my car. As he walked up to me, he was laughing until he saw the pig. The pig went after him, and the officer jumped up on the hood with me. The pig started running laps around my car again, wailing loudly the entire time. Passing motorists found great entertainment in seeing two cops sitting on the hood of a police car, trapped by a small pig. 

If YouTube were around back then, this would have gone viral. We had dispatch contact animal control, and they came and put the pig in a big burlap bag. The pig continued squealing, and the other officer thought he’d share a bit of this on his handheld radio. The wailing went over the air for several seconds, and he gave no explanation as to what it was. 

One of my friends had made a DWI arrest of a woman and was testifying in a Motor Vehicle Division hearing. He testified that he performed a horizontal gaze nystagmus test. This test involves having the person follow the officer’s finger or a pen with their eyes. He told the hearing officer that he noticed all indications of nystagmus for both eyes. The woman’s defense attorney asked if both eyes reacted in similar fashion during this test, and the officer stated that they did. The attorney instructed his client to do something that my friend will never forget. The woman reached up and removed a glass eye, which she then rolled onto the table. Fortunately, the hearing officer knew that even a fake eye would move in unison with the other good eye. During the hearing, my friend was left with the feeling of being watched by the eyeball on the table.

I have a book by retired Chicago cop Richard J. Solita called Twenty Years of Vaudeville and a Pension. The title speaks to all the craziness, fiascos and hilarity police officers encounter during their careers before retiring. Every officer has humorous anecdotes that provided respite from the dark side of police work. Humor was a great way to see the lighter side of life and truly helped many officers survive the challenges and risks they faced in their careers.