• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • About
  • The Magazine
  • Events
  • Partners
  • Products
  • Advertise
  • Contact
  • Jobs and Careers
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • Subscribe to the Magazine
American Police Beat

American Police Beat Magazine

Law Enforcement Publication

  • Home
  • Editor’s Picks
    • The power of teamwork
      Stay awake and alert on the job
      The worst rank in law enforcement
      Firearms maintenance
      Why fries need salt
  • Topics
    • On the Job
      • California police officer uses K-9’s leash to rescue drowning man
        Small town North Carolina police officer rescues man from house fire
        Boulder police recover $400,000 in stolen paintings, drug stash in...
        California police officer rescues three people from car teetering on...
        Stranded driver gets gas refill from helpful police officer
    • Labor
      • San Francisco mulls over increasing police recruitment bonuses to...
        Nevada may soon allow noncitizens to become police officers to...
        Florida pays out $5M in hiring bonuses for more than one thousand...
        Cops leave NYPD in highest number since 9/11
        California police department to pay academy costs to boost recruiting...
    • Tech
      • FBI seizes website of notorious ransomware gang in cybercrime...
        Wisconsin law enforcement warn of iPhone crash detection feature...
        Snapchat sued for facilitating sale of fentanyl that led to fatal...
        Security flaw in app exposes secret data from hundreds of police raids
        Minnesota law enforcement agencies turn to facial recognition...
    • Training
      • Pennsylvania police utilize VR for de-escalation training
        Running your patrol rifle like a champion
        Present ability, opportunity and apparent intent
        Defensive tactics
        Mechanics, consistency and aggression
    • Policy
      • Arkansas sheriff’s offices refuse to enforce federal ATF gun policy
        President Biden signs bill expanding national missing persons database
        California Highway Patrol spotlights new traffic laws for 2023
        Texas law enforcement leaders say the state has too many police...
        Justice Department launches new language initiative after resolving...
    • Health/Wellness
      • Retired Wisconsin police officer offers mental health services for...
        Coping with internal investigation or legal action
        The value of data: Wellness through the eyes of officers
        What officers love, hope and worry about
        Don’t be “that guy” — get moving
    • Community
      • Newark good Samaritan honored for assisting wounded officers
        LAPD chief bans “Thin Blue Line” flag from department use
        Friday Night Lights duty
        Oklahoma law enforcement teach children self-defense tactics to build...
        Former Superman actor thanks police officers for their...
    • Offbeat
      • Drunk-driving suspect performs backflip for Ohio police during...
        “Like a scene from ‘Home Alone’”: Georgia man slips on ice...
        “Some real sitcom stuff there”: Florida burglars call 9-1-1 for...
        Wyoming police officer restores classic Chevy Bel Air as police...
        Santa Cruz police arrest 19-year-old for handing out fake parking...
    • We Remember
      • “I had a calling”: Colorado cadet inspired by fallen hero Eric...
        Chicago police remember fallen and injured officers this holiday...
        Deputy killed by roommate after he “jokingly” pulled trigger of...
        Maryland’s oldest cold case solved
        At least 13 officers shot in five days as wave of violence sweeps...
  • On the Job
    • California police officer uses K-9’s leash to rescue drowning man
      Small town North Carolina police officer rescues man from house fire
      Boulder police recover $400,000 in stolen paintings, drug stash in...
      California police officer rescues three people from car teetering on...
      Stranded driver gets gas refill from helpful police officer
  • Labor
    • San Francisco mulls over increasing police recruitment bonuses to...
      Nevada may soon allow noncitizens to become police officers to...
      Florida pays out $5M in hiring bonuses for more than one thousand...
      Cops leave NYPD in highest number since 9/11
      California police department to pay academy costs to boost recruiting...
  • Tech
    • FBI seizes website of notorious ransomware gang in cybercrime...
      Wisconsin law enforcement warn of iPhone crash detection feature...
      Snapchat sued for facilitating sale of fentanyl that led to fatal...
      Security flaw in app exposes secret data from hundreds of police raids
      Minnesota law enforcement agencies turn to facial recognition...
  • Training
    • Pennsylvania police utilize VR for de-escalation training
      Running your patrol rifle like a champion
      Present ability, opportunity and apparent intent
      Defensive tactics
      Mechanics, consistency and aggression
  • Policy
    • Arkansas sheriff’s offices refuse to enforce federal ATF gun policy
      President Biden signs bill expanding national missing persons database
      California Highway Patrol spotlights new traffic laws for 2023
      Texas law enforcement leaders say the state has too many police...
      Justice Department launches new language initiative after resolving...
  • Health/Wellness
    • Retired Wisconsin police officer offers mental health services for...
      Coping with internal investigation or legal action
      The value of data: Wellness through the eyes of officers
      What officers love, hope and worry about
      Don’t be “that guy” — get moving
  • Community
    • Newark good Samaritan honored for assisting wounded officers
      LAPD chief bans “Thin Blue Line” flag from department use
      Friday Night Lights duty
      Oklahoma law enforcement teach children self-defense tactics to build...
      Former Superman actor thanks police officers for their...
  • Offbeat
    • Drunk-driving suspect performs backflip for Ohio police during...
      “Like a scene from ‘Home Alone’”: Georgia man slips on ice...
      “Some real sitcom stuff there”: Florida burglars call 9-1-1 for...
      Wyoming police officer restores classic Chevy Bel Air as police...
      Santa Cruz police arrest 19-year-old for handing out fake parking...
  • We Remember
    • “I had a calling”: Colorado cadet inspired by fallen hero Eric...
      Chicago police remember fallen and injured officers this holiday...
      Deputy killed by roommate after he “jokingly” pulled trigger of...
      Maryland’s oldest cold case solved
      At least 13 officers shot in five days as wave of violence sweeps...
  • Between the Lines
    • Persecution of the LEO is Classic Schadenfreude
      The Rule of Law is Worthless Without Order
      School policing: a paradox of the defund movement
      Defending the honor of the LE profession – finally!
      The dichotomy of the defund movement: reality setting in
  • About
  • The Magazine
  • Events
  • Partners
  • Products
  • Advertise
  • Contact
Search

Editor's Picks

Common marital issues for LE couples

Mariya Dvoskina Published April 30, 2021 @ 3:00 pm PDT

iStock.com/dane_mark

Tell me if this scenario sounds familiar: You get home from a long shift at work and your spouse is at the door asking you how your day was. Maybe you’re too tired to talk about it and just want to leave work at work, or maybe you don’t want to traumatize your spouse with the gruesome details of a bad call you went on. You say, “Fine.” Your spouse does not seem pleased with this answer but moves on to ask, “What would you like for dinner?” Since in fact you are happy to eat anything, love your spouse’s cooking and feel tired from a day of making decisions, you say, “I don’t care.” You are completely blindsided when after only a few minutes of seeing your spouse, having barely said anything, your spouse is accusing you of being “emotionally disconnected” and “never present.” You forget all of your de-escalation training and tell your spouse to “calm down” (which is the equivalent of inducing an emotional bomb to blow up in your face). Since that strategy didn’t work, you think to yourself that if you just don’t say anything, and in fact disappear from view, it has to be impossible to be angry at you. You try to leave the room, but your spouse follows you, now angrier than ever. You’re confused because you were trying to make it better by walking away. And so, you go around your house with your spouse following you and things don’t seem to actually get resolved. You do this dance again sooner than you’d like.

This type of communication breakdown is one of the most common reasons that couples seek counseling, and first responder couples are certainly not immune. In fact, the daily stressors of the job and shift work only contribute to the likelihood of potential miscommunications. Below, I will discuss three reasons for communication breakdowns in first responder couples. While this article is not a substitute for professional help, I hope it helps you get the conversation going with your spouse and opens new doors for better communication.

Physiology

Because you have to be alert and vigilant on the job, the combination of mental and physical factors mean that you experience a type of physiological “crash” when you get home. It is almost impossible to override this “zombie-like” state — and what you need is rest and recovery. This period of recovery is the worst possible time to try to engage in any sort of emotionally laden conversations. While this does not mean you get to avoid these conversations altogether (in fact, the more you avoid, the more your spouse will want to pursue them), I do advocate for appropriate timing. Right after your shift and right before your shift — when your body is gearing down or gearing up for work — will not lead to productive or connecting conversations. 

Intent vs. impact communication

Cops tend to be intent communicators: you say what you think, and you think what you say. You are direct and honest. On the other hand, impact communicators are more thoughtful of how what they say may make others feel; they think carefully about the impact of their words. Generally, intent communicators marry impact communicators.

Intent communicators should take a page out of the impact book. What I recommend here is to share more than just “the tip of the iceberg.” For example, in the above scenario, the conversation would have gone much better if when asked about his day, our officer had said, “I am tired and I don’t want to think about work anymore, I would love to talk about something else,” and when asked about his feelings on dinner, “I am happy to eat anything!” Oftentimes, if you reveal just a little bit more, it can go a long way in promoting clear communication. You can see how the above examples did not require deep emotional reveals but just a little bit more of your thought process. 

Pursue/withdraw dynamics

While many of the above problems can be resolved through some tweaks in communication and psychoeducation, couples that get stuck in a more engrained pursue/withdraw cycle often need some external help to change their negative pattern. Identified by Dr. Sue Johnson, a prominent researcher and marital therapist, this pattern usually involves one partner who withdraws during conflict and one partner who tries to re-engage. It is not too different from fight and flight, and just as those survival drives, this pattern is often deeply engrained, becoming amplified as conflict grows in a marriage. Oftentimes, this pattern is also where the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (a term coined by another prominent marital expert, Dr. John Gottman) become activated. The avoidant partner may stonewall and become defensive, while the pursuing partner may engage in criticism and contempt. Both people may be trying to do what they know best and truly want to fix the problem, but the negative pattern often has its own gravity, pulling you into the argument. Here, I recommend you identify and name your negative pattern. It can be a funny or serious name, anything you both agree on. For example, couples have called their negative cycle “Pandora’s box” or “a black hole.” Once you have named it, try to identify it and unite against the pattern with clear communication. It is also OK to take space as long as you let your partner know that you will come back to address the problem.

If you believe you may need some outside relational help, it’s out there! Many times, problems that seem insurmountable can be addressed. Couples often leave therapy stronger, happier and feeling more satisfied about their relationship. Look into your current EAP to see if marital counseling is an option.

Mariya Dvoskina

Mariya Dvoskina

Dr. Mariya Dvoskina is a psychologist in Colorado with Nicoletti-Flater Associates, where the specialization is in the fields of police and public safety psychology, crisis intervention, trauma recovery and violence prevention. 

View articles by Mariya Dvoskina

As seen in the April 2021 issue of American Police Beat magazine.
Don’t miss out on another issue today! Click below:

SUBSCRIBE TODAY!

Categories: Editor's Picks, Health/Wellness

Primary Sidebar

Recent Articles

  • Retired Wisconsin police officer offers mental health services for first responders
  • FBI seizes website of notorious ransomware gang in cybercrime crackdown
  • San Francisco mulls over increasing police recruitment bonuses to avoid “cata-strophic” staffing shortage
  • California police officer uses K-9’s leash to rescue drowning man
  • Wisconsin law enforcement warn of iPhone crash detection feature triggering false-alarm 9-1-1 calls
  • Small town North Carolina police officer rescues man from house fire
  • Snapchat sued for facilitating sale of fentanyl that led to fatal overdoses
  • Newark good Samaritan honored for assisting wounded officers
  • Nevada may soon allow noncitizens to become police officers to reverse staffing shortages
  • Security flaw in app exposes secret data from hundreds of police raids

Footer

Our Mission
To serve as a trusted voice of the nation’s law enforcement community, providing informative, entertaining and inspiring content on interesting and engaging topics affecting peace officers today.

Contact us: info@apbweb.com | (800) 234-0056.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram

Categories

  • Editor’s Picks
  • On the Job
  • Labor
  • Tech
  • Training
  • Policy
  • Health/Wellness
  • Community
  • Offbeat
  • We Remember
  • Jobs and Careers
  • Events

Editor’s Picks

The power of teamwork

The power of teamwork

July 23, 2021

Stay awake and alert on the job

Stay awake and alert on the job

July 20, 2021

The worst rank in law enforcement

The worst rank in law enforcement

July 19, 2021

Firearms maintenance

Firearms maintenance

July 04, 2021

Privacy Policy | Copyright © 2023 APB Media, LLC | Website design, development and maintenance by 911MEDIA

Open

Subscribe

Close
Receive the latest news and updates from American Police Beat directly to your inbox!
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.