“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” — Albert Schweitzer

The most often neglected pillar of support for law enforcement officers is often the most essential — support from home. There must be mutual understanding and compassionate support between an officer and their life partner (or closest friend), along with consistent, daily self-care to foster a peaceful and meaningful relationship.

Share and discuss this article with your life partner. Much of the information was obtained from my interviews with several long-term police officer spouses.

Unique challenges

“It’s like walking on eggshells around you all the time,” “You’re always in a bad mood,” “You never want to do things anymore,” “I can’t ever talk with you,” “You’re here but you’re not here,” “You’re angry all the time,” Your job is more important than me …”

Sound familiar? More than any other, a law enforcement relationship needs daily positive engagement to nurture and strengthen it to prevent issues. Understanding each other’s needs and giving your best to one another daily is essential. Often, life partners of officers can feel frustrated and helpless in trying to connect with their law enforcement mates and enhance their relationship.

All close relationships have their difficulties; living with a first responder is particularly challenging. However, when life partners become aware of the special needs of their police officer mates and learn effective ways to connect with them, help them transition after their shift and provide a supportive and understanding environment, life at home can be far more peaceful and fulfilling.

That is, as long as their police officer mate also realizes the hardships of living with a first responder and actively works at effective communication, connection and supporting their life partner in the ways they need.

Unfortunately, many peace officers do just the opposite — they tend to underappreciate how challenging it is for their life partner to live with them and endure the stress of their police career. Officers also find it difficult to share any distressing experiences from work and tend to shut down and not communicate, which only creates greater distance.

Effectively communicate needs

Ask your life partner what they need from you to help them navigate your police career. Listen to them. Take to heart what they express and commit to following through. Then, tell your life partner what you need from them. For example, you might say, “When I come home and say it was a bad day, I won’t tell you details, but this is what you can do to help me get back to normal…” Be specific about what they can do to help you — so that together, you can strengthen your relationship and support each other.

As a life partner, how can I support my police officer mate?

Create a stress-free home as best you can. Be positive, keep your spouse centered and enjoy each other. Be understanding. Listen to their needs without neglecting your own. Remember, you will not be able to care for your officer mate most effectively if you are not also caring for your own well-being daily.

It’s crucial to learn to read your police officer spouse and recognize when they need to talk and when they just need time alone to process what they’re feeling. Understand that sometimes distance is necessary and that this need is not personal. They experience trauma every day at work, and those traumas can affect or even disrupt their brain’s normal functioning. Let them know you are there for them whenever they need to talk.

About 20% of officers suffer from serious post-traumatic stress injuries, and one in four will consider suicide at some point in their career. Research post-traumatic stress injuries (PTSI or PTSD; see emdria.org). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) can heal post-traumatic stress with relatively few sessions.

Remember, spending time with your officer life partner is precious; value it and make the most of it. Do not spend your precious time together complaining that they are never home and that you always have to do things alone. They know that, and it hurts them as well. They want and need to be able to come home to a safe, peaceful and loving home. If they know that at the end of their shift they will be greeted with complaints and arguments, they will likely choose to go elsewhere.

What can a police life partner expect?

A police officer’s job has an inherent ability to turn your officer mate into someone you — or even they — no longer recognize. The traumas of their profession can cause them to be distant, disengaged, angry, distressed, depressed, anxious and noncommunicative.

Keep the lines of communication open without prying or nagging. Try to be patient. Your mate needs some downtime when they come home so they can recharge, release the day and reconnect with their role as a father and husband, or mother and wife. However, continued isolation and disengagement from the family is not healthy. Ask your partner what they need from you and what strategies might help keep them active and engaged with life.

Nurturing your own well-being

Remember, only you can make yourself happy — not your law enforcement life partner. So many times in your relationship, you will be stood up, let down or disappointed, and none of these incidents will be personal or intentional. That’s just the nature of your mate’s profession. Try to always focus on the positive — the good things — rather than the disappointment. I highly recommend reading I Love a Cop: What Police Families Need to Know by Ellen Kirschman.

Confidence and independence are important qualities in any healthy individual and will serve you well as the life partner of a police officer. It will be very difficult for you if you feel like you always have to be at your mate’s side and you need their approval for things. It is important to find a passion or a hobby and keep yourself busy. And it’s important to attend events and get together with family and friends on your own, rather than not going at all.

Conclusion

A law enforcement relationship can be quite fulfilling, but it takes daily positive engagement, mutual understanding and caring support from both partners. Find ways to prove to each other that the relationship comes first and that your partner is the most important thing in your life — daily. That’s the best way for you both to survive and thrive throughout your career.