You think you can do better?” I asked him. “Run for president and take my job. In the meantime, put that finger back in your pocket and get your sorry ass out of my office.” This guy really had me lit. Sure, I anticipate some agitation when I make decisions I know will benefit some of my members while letting others down. If you, too, were elected to lead a LEO labor organization, you know exactly the types of decisions I’m talking about (think contract negotiations). But this guy was totally out of line. I mean, you can yell at me about how a certain decision didn’t go your way, or pump a plump pointer in my direction. But doing both just rubs me the wrong way. So I let him have it before throwing him out.

Except I didn’t.

To be clear, I was thinking it — and I wanted to. Truthfully, this guy is a jackass with no ability to think beyond whatever will benefit him right now, and to hell with anyone else. You know the kind. But what I actually did was look at him with an emotionless face and quietly say, “I’m sorry I let you down. I’ll try to do better next time.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking: how does a guy this tender get elected to lead a LEO labor organization representing 350 police officers? Look, I’ve been battered about for almost 25 years as a line-level cop. I’ve been hardened by both physical and emotional experiences. But I don’t pull out the tough-guy routine when dealing with guys like this. Instead, I take them dancing. And when I’ve got them off their feet, I hit them with something for which they have no response. Here’s how I do it with a smile.

I think Muhammad Ali was onto something when he said, “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee …”

Identify an unreasonable grievance

I mess up. A lot. And I’m talking about mistakes that warrant a sincere apology. I’m a big fan of “owning it” when appropriate. But a guy who walks into your office on fire over a leadership decision you made, one that inconvenienced him while benefiting the whole, will never respond to reasoned dialogue. And it won’t matter how much you yell back. Because people who, on a given topic, are incapable of prioritizing the needs of the group above their own selfish interests are inherently unreasonable. So why try to reason with them? You’d be better off trying to convince shit not to stink. You’re gonna need some better moves.

Don’t give him his fight

It’s what he wants. That’s why he’s yelling and pumping that finger at you. But don’t give him the fight he wants. Calmly listen. Resist the urge to become defensive and fire back. Remember, you won’t be able to reason with him. Matching his hostility will only make things worse. Letting him vent will reduce tension and prepare him for your response. And when you spring it on him, he won’t know what hit him. So give him a good, long time to exhaust.

So what next, apologize for the decision?

No. A traditional apology is an affirmation of poor performance. As LEO labor leaders, decisions we make that benefit the group are the correct decisions. The selfish and unreasonable want us to apologize for decisions they don’t like, hit the “start over” button and send benefits back their way, even if the group as a whole is damaged. Strong leaders never do this, so be unwavering with respect to the decision.

Acknowledgment

Instead, after he’s drained himself, acknowledge that your decision caused inconvenience. It’s OK to apologize for that. Do it sincerely and calmly. I like to use a subdued voice. Telling someone, “I’m sorry I let you down,” is a wise way of saying you are sorry they let their feelings get hurt. Follow up with, “I’ll try to do better next time.” This statement serves as a reminder that tough decisions are a regular part of your job. It also projects commitment as opposed to dismissiveness.

Rinse and repeat

He came in expecting a fight. You let him vent and didn’t get twisted up. And you responded calmly with something for which he won’t have an answer. Think about it — how do you argue with, “I’m sorry I let you down”? After springing it, pause stoically while he tries to figure out what to do. By this time, he will have become noticeably calmer. He will probably begin to complain some more, but in a softer tone. His finger will have found its home. Let him wear himself down some more. Respond with an understanding that the decision inconvenienced him and again apologize for the letdown. You may have to dance this cycle a few times. But you will know the tune and the moves.

Finish with a thank-you

After he’s worn himself out, consider briefly touching on the dilemma the decision presented. You may say something like, “I know you’re upset, but I just want you to know this was a tough decision and, no matter what, people we care about were going to be impacted by it.” Then thank him for bringing his concerns to you. Smile as he walks quietly out of your office.

Yes, selfish and unreasonable finger-jabbers can be a real test of your patience. As LEO labor leaders, it’s our job to deal with them when they want a fight. I think Muhammad Ali was onto something when he said, “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee — his hands can’t hit what his eyes can’t see.” The selfish and unreasonable always see the fight as a heated yelling match. Deprive them of the drama and hit back with something they won’t see coming by staying calm and giving them some smooth moves. Stay confident! Ali danced when he boxed — and he won a lot.