• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • About
  • The Magazine
  • Events
  • Partners
  • Products
  • Advertise
  • Contact
  • Jobs and Careers
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • Subscribe to the Magazine
American Police Beat

American Police Beat Magazine

Law Enforcement Publication

  • Home
  • Editor’s Picks
    • The power of teamwork
      Stay awake and alert on the job
      The worst rank in law enforcement
      Firearms maintenance
      Why fries need salt
  • Topics
    • On the Job
      • “I don’t feel like a hero. I feel like I did my job”
        Louisiana wildlife officer rescues girl trapped underneath boat
        Detroit law enforcement agencies continue fight against freeway...
        Law enforcement agencies prepare for civil unrest following leaked...
        Arizona troopers find nearly 40 pounds of fentanyl pills and cocaine...
    • Labor
      • Illinois State Police announce lateral training program with added...
        The “great resignation” brings staffing troubles to Missouri law...
        NYPD overtime expected to surpass budget by over $142 million to...
        Portland police shut down cold case unit to reinforce homicide...
        Living in the ashes
    • Tech
      • Hacker group steals data from multiple law enforcement data systems...
        Illinois police unveil new technology, more body cameras to promote...
        High-tech policing
        Open-source investigations
        Virginia lawmakers lift ban on the use of facial recognition...
    • Training
      • “The hidden danger is the water”
        Weapon retention
        Developing trauma-informed training and drills for K–12 schools
        Crime prevention training
        So you want to be a civilian firearms trainer?
    • Policy
      • Ohio resolution asks lawmakers to ride along with police to gain...
        New Jersey governor proposes police licensing plan to boost...
        New York court suspends familial DNA searching by law enforcement
        New Jersey Supreme Court weighs in on police marijuana impairment...
        Court says man arrested for making fake P.D. Facebook page did not...
    • Health/Wellness
      • Police departments look to expand chaplain programs to provide...
        What anxiety is — and what not to do about it
        Supporting a partner in crisis
        Spiritual resilience
        Overcoming relationship communication challenges
    • Community
      • Statement of Sonoma County Sheriff Candidate Dave Edmonds in reply to...
        Pennsylvania police introduce civilian response team to answer...
        LGBTQ police officers allowed to participate in Denver PrideFest...
        California police department helps pay for families’ groceries as a...
        “I thought he was going to die”: 6-year-old calls police to save...
    • Offbeat
      • Oops, wrong number! South Carolina drug dealer arrested after...
        Port Authority officers capture missing puppy that journeyed from...
        Nevada woman tries to fool police with fake license plate using...
        Maine police arrest man hiding under a blanket in ghost disguise
        Texas burglar mows the lawn before fleeing police
    • We Remember
      • A living legacy
        Not in vain
        Honoring Fallen Heroes
        Florida law enforcement, legislators weigh whether to classify...
        National Law Enforcement Museum offers free Saturday admission for...
  • On the Job
    • “I don’t feel like a hero. I feel like I did my job”
      Louisiana wildlife officer rescues girl trapped underneath boat
      Detroit law enforcement agencies continue fight against freeway...
      Law enforcement agencies prepare for civil unrest following leaked...
      Arizona troopers find nearly 40 pounds of fentanyl pills and cocaine...
  • Labor
    • Illinois State Police announce lateral training program with added...
      The “great resignation” brings staffing troubles to Missouri law...
      NYPD overtime expected to surpass budget by over $142 million to...
      Portland police shut down cold case unit to reinforce homicide...
      Living in the ashes
  • Tech
    • Hacker group steals data from multiple law enforcement data systems...
      Illinois police unveil new technology, more body cameras to promote...
      High-tech policing
      Open-source investigations
      Virginia lawmakers lift ban on the use of facial recognition...
  • Training
    • “The hidden danger is the water”
      Weapon retention
      Developing trauma-informed training and drills for K–12 schools
      Crime prevention training
      So you want to be a civilian firearms trainer?
  • Policy
    • Ohio resolution asks lawmakers to ride along with police to gain...
      New Jersey governor proposes police licensing plan to boost...
      New York court suspends familial DNA searching by law enforcement
      New Jersey Supreme Court weighs in on police marijuana impairment...
      Court says man arrested for making fake P.D. Facebook page did not...
  • Health/Wellness
    • Police departments look to expand chaplain programs to provide...
      What anxiety is — and what not to do about it
      Supporting a partner in crisis
      Spiritual resilience
      Overcoming relationship communication challenges
  • Community
    • Statement of Sonoma County Sheriff Candidate Dave Edmonds in reply to...
      Pennsylvania police introduce civilian response team to answer...
      LGBTQ police officers allowed to participate in Denver PrideFest...
      California police department helps pay for families’ groceries as a...
      “I thought he was going to die”: 6-year-old calls police to save...
  • Offbeat
    • Oops, wrong number! South Carolina drug dealer arrested after...
      Port Authority officers capture missing puppy that journeyed from...
      Nevada woman tries to fool police with fake license plate using...
      Maine police arrest man hiding under a blanket in ghost disguise
      Texas burglar mows the lawn before fleeing police
  • We Remember
    • A living legacy
      Not in vain
      Honoring Fallen Heroes
      Florida law enforcement, legislators weigh whether to classify...
      National Law Enforcement Museum offers free Saturday admission for...
  • Between the Lines
    • Persecution of the LEO is Classic Schadenfreude
      The Rule of Law is Worthless Without Order
      School policing: a paradox of the defund movement
      Defending the honor of the LE profession – finally!
      The dichotomy of the defund movement: reality setting in
  • About
  • The Magazine
  • Events
  • Partners
  • Products
  • Advertise
  • Contact
Search

Health/Wellness

Overcoming relationship communication challenges

Medina Baumgart , Psy.D. , ABPP Published April 27, 2022 @ 7:00 pm PDT

iStock.com/Boris Jovanovic

As a police psychologist and LEO spouse, officers and their spouses have often assumed that my husband and I have a superhuman ability to communicate. I’m here to tell you that is absolutely not the case. We are both human and subject to the same relationship communication challenges as any other law enforcement couple. We had to figure things out over time, which included (lots of) trial and error along the way. Below are a few things I’ve learned — as a LEO spouse and as a police psychologist who works with officers and their spouses — about relationship communication challenges and techniques to facilitate healthy communication.

The relationship tactical disengagement

We all have our limits when it comes to how well we can actively listen and effectively communicate throughout any given day. Factors such as sleep deprivation, emotions, mental or physical fatigue, stress and hunger can impact how well we communicate. If you notice that you are unable to sustain communication or preoccupied with other things, it is 100% OK to let your spouse know. This is especially true when you come home after work. 

Chances are that your brain and body will need some time to downshift from work mode. This is not a problem; however, you need to communicate that with your spouse. Years back, my husband and I came up with the “10-minute rule.” If either of us recognizes that we need some time to decompress before engaging in conversation, we say, “I need 10 minutes.” This is code for, “Give me some physical space to decompress for a bit.” It could take more or less than 10 minutes, so the exact amount of time does not necessarily matter. The point is that we are communicating what we need in that moment without making the other person feel invalidated or unwanted. If you feel that you need a bit more time (i.e., more than 20–30 minutes), do your best to frontload that information to your spouse before you get home. For example, you can say something like, “It’s been a difficult day. I’ll need some time to decompress when I get home.” 

Additionally, when experiencing intense emotions, it is likely that our communication will suffer. Think about those moments when you have felt so angry, irritable or annoyed that you spoke in a certain tone or were unable to listen because you were too busy formulating your response or trying hard to defend your position. This often happens because intense emotions can hijack the brain’s resources that are needed to actively listen and effectively communicate. This is where relationship damage can occur because we can say or do things that emotionally injure our partner. Have a code word or phrase that you and your spouse use when emotionally activated and recognize when it is time to take a break from communicating with one another because of emotional intensity. The key here is to make sure that you return to the conversation. I’ve seen law enforcement couples “brush it off” or not bring the issue up again once the wave of emotion dissipates because they are worried about cycling up into another argument. Without correcting this behavior and properly healing the emotional injury, couples will inadvertently reinforce unhealthy communication and build resentment that can cause problems down the road.

Do you need me to help you or hear you?

Not surprisingly, cops tend to jump into fix mode when their spouse communicates an issue or problem they are having. I’m here to tell you that your spouse does not always need rescuing. Often, we just want to feel heard and validated. By jumping into fix mode, you will inadvertently invalidate and dismiss how your spouse is feeling. It helps to clarify what your spouse needs from you at the outset of the conversation. Saying something like, “Do you need me to help you or hear you?” can help to clarify what your spouse needs and expects from you during the conversation. 

It is also important to remember that your spouse’s frame of reference for what constitutes a stressful day or situation might be vastly different from what you perceive as stressful. This is OK and entirely normal. Take care to not engage in competitive or invalidating responses when your spouse shares how they are feeling. Use your active listening skills and empathy to put yourself in their shoes. You do not have to agree with how your spouse is feeling or responding to a situation or issue. The important thing is that your spouse feels heard and understood.

You never told me we had to do that!

How often have you or your spouse talked about work schedules, appointments or family events only to have them insist that the conversation never happened? Rather than argue about who told who what and when, get ahead of things by sharing your calendar. Many cell phones have the capability to share calendars, and there are several free phone apps available to share calendars. Use this shared calendar to note work schedules (including those overtime shifts), doctor appointments, family events and special dates, etc. You and your spouse can also note “to-do” items to reduce feeling bamboozled by tasks during your time off. If you need a half day or full day to relax and do nothing, it is OK to note that on your shared calendar so that your spouse knows to not schedule anything during a time you had in your mind to relax on your day off.

Remember that everyone communicates differently

People have different communication styles. For example, it may be common for someone to frequently stray off-topic or discuss things in excessive detail when communicating. Cops are used to “just the facts.” If someone talks too much or doesn’t appear to directly answer your question at work, you may perceive that the person is lying or hiding something. This triggers your command presence and shifts your communication style (and behavior). Pay attention to this when talking with your spouse. If you are in command-presence mode when communicating in your relationship, your spouse may respond defensively or appear flustered because they are not used to this style of communication. You may also hear them say, “Don’t talk to me like I’m a suspect (or inmate).” If this occurs, take a moment to reflect on your tone and physical demeanor. Are you in “work mode,” or are you in “spouse mode?”

Healthy relationships include good communication

The goal of healthy communication is to foster trust, emotional security and safety within your relationship. You cannot do so if you attempt to avoid conflict or arguments with your spouse. Effectively listening and communicating with one another during challenging times will facilitate emotional intimacy and trust in your relationship. It is important to remember that you are both human and will not always be functioning or communicating at your best. Use the above communication tools or find your own creative ways to maintain healthy communication in your relationship. If you need additional tools or have questions, take the time to educate yourself about relationship communication. My personal and professional favorites are The Gottman Institute (www.gottman.com) and Code 4 Couples (www.code4couples.com).

Medina Baumgart , Psy.D. , ABPP

Medina Baumgart , Psy.D. , ABPP

Dr. Medina Baumgart is an in-house psychologist with a large metropolitan law enforcement agency and a board-certified specialist in police and public safety psychology. Correspondence concerning this article can be sent via email to drbaumgart@att.net.

View articles by Medina Baumgart , Psy.D. , ABPP

As seen in the April 2022 issue of American Police Beat magazine.
Don’t miss out on another issue today! Click below:

SUBSCRIBE TODAY!

Categories: Health/Wellness

Primary Sidebar

Recent Articles

  • Hacker group steals data from multiple law enforcement data systems with just a username and password
  • Ohio resolution asks lawmakers to ride along with police to gain deeper understanding of law enforcement
  • Illinois State Police announce lateral training program with added incentives to attract candidates
  • “I don’t feel like a hero. I feel like I did my job”
  • New Jersey governor proposes police licensing plan to boost accountability
  • Louisiana wildlife officer rescues girl trapped underneath boat
  • Statement of Sonoma County Sheriff Candidate Dave Edmonds in reply to article in Santa Rosa Press Democrat
  • Oops, wrong number! South Carolina drug dealer arrested after mistakenly texting deputy
  • Police departments look to expand chaplain programs to provide spiritual counseling to traumatized officers
  • Port Authority officers capture missing puppy that journeyed from Brooklyn to New Jersey

Footer

Our Mission
To serve as a trusted voice of the nation’s law enforcement community, providing informative, entertaining and inspiring content on interesting and engaging topics affecting peace officers today.

Contact us: info@apbweb.com

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram

Categories

  • Editor’s Picks
  • On the Job
  • Labor
  • Tech
  • Training
  • Policy
  • Health/Wellness
  • Community
  • Offbeat
  • We Remember
  • Jobs and Careers
  • Events

Editor’s Picks

The power of teamwork

The power of teamwork

July 23, 2021

Stay awake and alert on the job

Stay awake and alert on the job

July 20, 2021

The worst rank in law enforcement

The worst rank in law enforcement

July 19, 2021

Firearms maintenance

Firearms maintenance

July 04, 2021

Privacy Policy | Copyright © 2022 APB Media, LLC | Website design, development and maintenance by 911MEDIA

Open

Subscribe

Close
Receive the latest news and updates from American Police Beat directly to your inbox!
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.